Marriage possibly disolving

**thack** · 09-23-2008 11:35 AM

She confused me today, she posted a bulletin on myspace today it read:
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I have learned its ok to love with your whole heart and hurt in the end. Your true friends will help you pick the pieces up.

I am learning to live for today and FORGET about the past :P
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I don't really know how to take that, it could be an attempt at "moving on" or it could be a soft attempt at, I do hurt inside, even though I'm pushing this.

I don't know, it has had my head all messed up today. How can I respond to that. How should I interperate that. I hope and pray it wasn't her trying to tell me she's forgetting everything about the past 8 years, that's insane! Talk about total blockage. I really did not do anything that I would feel justifies that sort of mental cut out. But then, I am in a lot of pain right now, she could be, but she does not want to talk to me. So, I can not help her with her emotions, and maybe I shouldn't, but I don't know anyone back home that I trust enough to help with both of our sides of the story and motivations.

~Confused / Worried~

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-23-2008 04:03 PM

[quote=thack;54924]She confused me today, she posted a bulletin on myspace today it read:
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I have learned its ok to love with your whole heart and hurt in the end. Your true friends will help you pick the pieces up.

I am learning to live for today and FORGET about the past :P
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Well, it was on a bulletin, not emailed to you, via private post............

So, i see, she is admitting that she loved with her whole heart, but is hurting... What is she hurting over, why is she so angry and the "friends" are interfering, listening to what she is saying and advising her, based on awweeee, poor girl, telling her what to do from a female perceptive instead of from a joint listen to both sides and then say something.. But, I guess it's good that people are there for her.

They are suggesting as I do, live for today, not your past, live for you, you can do it.

So, I see.. The love is way still there, it hasn't gone..

She is hurting, probably not over what you are suggesting are issues for her to deal with, maybe distance? Maybe she has PND? Maybe a baby and her on her own has been too much, she crys, she is in depression?

And, maybe she feels better off on her own, as she is on her own.

None of that is your fault at all... You do what you do, your profession and probably helps immensely financially but the time away can take it's toll.

I am still going to suggest what I suggested, especially seeing as i got the dress right, take it as a sign.

She is saying she loved/loves you with her whole heart, but she's blocking you out.

Don't let her block you out.

Even, send letters but don't talk about what her father did, or what she has suffered, or is she depressed, go see a Doctor etc, don't do anything but re-kindle that "Love" feeling that she obviously still has..

It's a win or lose but better to try than not try at all...

Aim at her heart.

CW

**thack** · 09-24-2008 05:56 AM

I will try to put it to my team leader the best way i can
(not infintry team leader, lol, im a little higher ranking than that :P )
If you were in my situation, what would you do... and i know he's going to try and say, just leave it alone.

I want to start to try your "non threatening" engagement, I want to start to slowly unwrap the hand thats squeezing her heart to death. I made a post on myspace today as a bulletin. its fairly long but I believe in it, it came to me while i was sleeping last night, and I felt compelled to share it with everyone I know.
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LIFES LESSONS
Life has a strange way of teaching people things; it has a very harsh way of doing this indeed. The people who come out of it are not those who choose to forget about it, but better yet, who choose to learn from it. And not cut out a large portion of their life, but those who can see what happened, and make a conscious effort to remedy it. Standing and fighting for what is right will make you happier in the end.
Those who run away from life’s such learning experiences will only be faced with the same lessons and problems later on down the road, and feel all the same pain and anguish that they felt during the first lesson.
Take each day in stride, learn to build bridges instead of burning them, learn to interface with those who are closest to you and live FOR the day, but not ONLY that day. There is so much to look back on in life, good or bad, that defines who we are as people.
Far too often, we get focused on the problems, when in reality; we should be focusing on the solutions.
There are no new situations any more, everything has been done, and every problem has been overcome by so many others. There is strength alone in that. Knowing that someone else, somewhere else has been through exactly what you are going through right now, and worked through it for a happier healthier life, instead of running away and losing a lot of people that matter to them in the process. No problem is to fully blame on one person, both (or more) played a key role in how the problem developed and it will take everyone involved, and more, to fix the problem most of the time.
Just my thoughts on this, I believe this through and through.
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I came up with that all by myself :P lol

its helped me through this morning and most of the day a whole lot.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-24-2008 06:09 AM

My goodness what a deep soul.

No lol.

That is truly beautiful and very, very true to how i see life, to how i believe things to be.

You are young yes?

You are blessed.

You have a soul and a heart, but yet you are wiser than your age.

I think you should try my suggestion and i don't care what he/she says, you are higher in ranks pull it.

If she reads that, surely she should see that no matter what she has ever been through in life, she should not fear at all, because you are a guide, guiding her through...

She just needs to believe.

Thank you truly for sharing that, it touched my heart.

Sleep well soldier...

Well said.

CW

**thack** · 09-24-2008 07:40 AM

Thank you very much. I just hope that she will see it as you have.

I pray daily, hourly almost in some times of the day. I only want for her to look back and see me, still there, waiting for her and stop running away. That is all I can do.

You got me choked up today, lol, thats not very easy, and I agree that our little boy is a miracle and that he is a very large reason that our family is meant to be.

Thank you.

**thack** · 09-24-2008 07:44 AM

O and im 26 :P

so, fairly young.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-25-2008 03:52 AM

Just wanted you to know that i saw the link have a look yourself there.

So, how has today gone?

CW

**thack** · 09-25-2008 05:32 AM

Today was ok, I called my babysitter to talk to my son, she started telling me about all of his little accomplishments, walking, learning new words, new teeth, it broke my heart to have to hear it from someone other than my wife.

I dont cry easily, my wife has been the only person who could make me cry since i was like 16, and I broke down on the phone, I feel almost guilty because of being here and not being home with him, I want nothing more than to come home and be a family again.

I started reading a book that was handed to me by an Air Force CPT that is stationed here with me in Iraq, the book is called : "Traveling Mercies, some thoughts on faith" and it is a good book so far, read almost half of it in 1 day, looking forward to finding more time so that I can finish it.

my marriage counselor wrote me back, she understands how i feel and said she respects me a ton for my dedication to my son and wife. I hope that the person i need to see it, sees' it.
She assigned me some home work, told me to write down everything that I have done to try and fix this marriage. she said i need to see it all on paper, I hope its not a ploy to just help me cope with the loss of my wife. I hope it bears something. I have a lot of hope right now, its all i am really running on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-25-2008 06:03 AM

Hey, i am going straight with what she said for you to do.

Way agree,...

I think initially it is for you to see, for yourself.

It's not a ploy rather for you to see, the intent, connection, hard work, and lifeline you have enabled for yourself and that of your wife and child.

This is for you.... at this stage where it goes from there she will advise...

Good for her, that she can "see".

And, always thing positive, your babysitter can see YOU, pretend you are rich, lol, are you laughing? That is how they tell the story to those whom they respect... So she is sharing and you are seeing good for her.

I won't begin to know how you feel. It is however, as bad as losing someone, that I understand, again, i will say to you DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP, what you are doing, from what i have learnt from where you come from, is also a way in which to survive and provide.

Nothing, nothing in life is easy... It is not now, it will not be tomorrow ( 10 years from now) take heart and Work it, strong one ok.

Did this woman agree with what you wanted to do? what we stated, or did she dis it rather wanting you to firstly write what you feel?

Don't at all worry about that, if that's the case, she is just seeing and understanding you.

I think the book you are reading is magic, needed, you are in a different world than you and me, her and him, you are away... so read it till the end.

A child is the World, is it not?

Remember, no matter what, there nothing will change, he is your Son, he will always be your son.

Can, i suggest something?

Start writing a journal for your Son, daily, your love, what you see, how you feel.

This is something 26 year old Soldier you will be so glad you did when you are 46.

Ohh shirt, almost my age?

lol, don't stress I am way young in heart and soul,

Have a think about all of that.

See what you see answer what you feel.

CW.

**thack** · 09-25-2008 09:24 AM

I did her homework assignment, well over a page worth of "things" that I feel I have done to retain my marriage. I know I have been working a lot on it, I just wish I could say the same for my wife, Even after she said she wanted to work on "us" in May / June.

I know that I will always be my son's father, I want to be "daddy" as well though, not just that guy he visits monthly. I wish to see him daily, look forward to coming home from work to see him after a long day doing whatever. I wish the same for my wife, yes, I know there are millions of women out there, and sure, maybe I can find one who will do all the little things that mine has gotten away from or just never done, but I have a connection with her, I think that with counsel and proper effort on both sides at the same time, not just one like it has been, I think that we could be extremely happy, and have a fullfilling loving marriage that would last years, a lifetime.

I started the journal for my son, it was quite interesting to see what came out when i was writing "to" him instead of just what I thought about the day. I have been keeping a journal for a week or more now, just putting thoughts to documents and saving them.

I have also been writing my dreams down as I have them, I have a "gifted" friend who does a lot of dream analysis. I want to see what she has to say with it all. Some are good, some are bad, some are frightening, and some are very sexual. All are very vibrant, and I remember so much from them its almost creepy lol.

I am thankful for everyone who has helped me thus far in this situation. I do appreciate the kind words of everyone who has posted here.

I can only hope that with time, things will improve. I am looking at alternatives to calling my house to speak with my son, I dont know if a lack of "me" for her will help or not. I do know that everything I tried has failed, and pushed her further away from me. I always maintained a high level of contact with her while I was deployed, and I tried that this trip and got shot down. so who knows. time, I have some time, i need to remember that, not get rushed, flustered, or severely anxious.

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