Thread: at a crossroads

Oh my! sounds like you are going through a younger version of what I've recently gotten out of! I supported mine thru depression when he was unemployed for over 3 of the first 4 years we were married and then saw him through cancer and several other health issues. I was accused of having affairs, after having been faithful through no sex for several years. After he went back to work I was a freeloader. When we got together it was wow he couldn't believe he had such a great woman in his life, but everything I did was belittled and I heard constant failure messages. When we broke up he wanted me to "repay" him for all that he had spent on me. Excuse me? He was unemployed for nearly half the marriage, we didn't live on a shoestring - it was a thread! Now he emails me links to mental hospitals and facilities - whatever!

I got into counseling and it really helped me move forward. It was also really reassuring to have a professional tell me I'm not a nut case, that I've handled incredible stress really well and that it's OK if I've felt a bit overwhelmed at times. He helped me put together a plan to get out (I have kids from a previous disaster) and to lay the groundwork to reclaim myself and my life. I was doing it on my own but having a pro gave me an added boost.

Think of him as a vampire, a psychic vampire. He feeds on you emotionally, drains your energy, creativity and power. As long as you stay grounded and connected you can handle this for quite a while but it takes it's toll and starts to wear you down. Eventually the repeated messages that you can't succeed, can't make it happen in business or anywhere else, start to sink in and take hold. My ex did get into the counselor with me -after all he expected the counselor to "fix" me. You know if you don't want a man while he still wants you, you must need fixing (lol). That was really interesting, after the counselor asked hubby to step into the waiting room, he asked me, "why are you staying with that man?!" "What are you thinking?" Then he got more professional again and told me I was married to a narcissist. They really can't love anyone but themselves. They are manipulative and controlling and good at tearing you down - sounds like you may have one of your own. Do some research about it and see how well it fits and see about counseling. Sometimes they can get quite dangerous because they can't Really see anyone else's viewpoint or understand that they are hurting you. At times they can put up the appearance of being loving but it's a tool to them, their concern isn't how you feel but how you make them feel. Of course they don't know that their feelings are negative or that they don't experience love the way others do. It's sad really, but they destroy the people around them.

We women are taught and conditioned to be givers, to the point of self destruction. You will have to take time to heal and learn not only to give but to recieve. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses, chalk it up to experience and move on. Get on line and type 'Mama Gena" into the search line. On her web site you can listen to a bunch of women talking about reclaiming themselves, finding their joy and power and having fun doing it - it's really uplifting. Get a hold of some of her books, regardless of what you decide to do about your relationship I think you'll find her philosophy is very healing after all you've been through and are going through. You're online name 'Joy' tells me you should be a Sister Goddess - probably already are without knowing it. Check out Mama Gena to find out what I'm talking about.

Think about it, aside from he is paying the bills what are you getting from this relationship? It sounds like it's all negative, if he throws you a bone once in a while that's not enough. Do you have kids? It doesn't sound like it. You can walk away.

Here's a little something I think I've finally learned, that every woman should have posted over her door or mirror to read and repeat everyday:
You Don't Get Any Extra Points For Suffering!