Thread: End of Silence!

First, i would like to say, CW, your post was not in the least bit nasty. Your honest opinion opened my eyes. I thought i may have been having a pity party but always excused it as i thought it was justified. The post was not what i was expecting so, it took me by surprise in a 'WAKE UP' kind of way. There are indeed so many components to this pain, but realized through your post, what i have been doing is creating more hurt for Myself.

I cannot change what he did. I cannot take back the great things he said about her and the bad things he said about me. I cannot take back all the lies he told. I cannot take back the love he had for her. But i can and will find myself and seek peace in my heart.

I thought i had to please him by some how being like her. I did not know her, but I would try to be her, the woman he was seeking, and slowly killing myself in the process. Everytime he kissed me, i saw and felt him kissing her. Everytime we were ''intimate'' i saw him making love to her. He says he did not sleep with her because she said ''not yet'' and swears they did not.

This is one of my biggest struggles. How do i know he did not sleep with her? How do i stop seeing her when i'm with him? He lied to me over and over for a year and a half after. Part of me believes he did not and part believes he did and is too afraid to tell me knowing i will leave him forever. Do i call her or do i make myself believe he is telling the truth?

I will start at the core, but i'm afraid these humps mentioned above will be a road block for me. I truely appreciate any and all suggestions from anyone. It helps to get other points of view, it truely does.

Ok. Instead of calling, i first sent an email to see if she would be 'kind' enough to reply and she did. I asked questions i for the most part knew the answers to and some i did not. Here is my email to her:

Hello Linda,

It’s been a while, I know. I would like to ask you a few questions regarding the affair you had with my husband. You never gave any type of an apology and I never really expected you would, but I would like to ask you a few questions. I seek your truthful answers and if you answer them as such, you will never hear from me again.

1. Did you kiss my husband? If so, how many times and where did this occur?
2. Was there any touching involved? Please be specific.
3. Did you have sexual intercourse with him? If so, how many times and the location?
4. Did he ever tell you he loved you?


Again, I am not seeking an apology, I am simply asking you to be honest and answer the questions. I would like to bury this and cannot until I hear from you. This is all I ask.

Thanks,
Jennifer

Her resonse:

1. Yes. once during lunch break we were out in the car.
2. No.
3. No.
4. No.

This IS the very last time I answer to such interrogation.


I am so HAPPY to get this back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like it will be easier to bring closure to this and be done with it once and for all. It's been a long two years.

I started counseling again for this yesterday and the counselor mentioned maybe we should have a burial of a chinese doll or something so i could move on, but this is much better. I will send ONE follow up email to her(i know i said i wouldn't but...) and get some things off my chest and kindly place them on hers. If she responds that's ok too. This, i feel, will be better than burying a some doll!!!!

Leave the woman alone. You promised you would. She already views your questions as "interrogation" and may file for harassment if you continue.
There is no way to "kindly" place your feelings on another person. She did not have to answer your email and was kind enough to do so ... the kind response would be to keep your promise and never contact her again.

Not even just telling her the amount of grief they both caused? Not in a viscous way, but this is what and wish her well..the end? Not to dump hate but to therapeutically release it and it will be obvious there would be no contact from then on.

I did leave him...for about 12 hours. I came home to pick up some things and was going to tell him good bye when he broke down in tears and begged me not to leave. Until that point he didn't seem to care. I on the otherhand was still in shock by it all and really wanted answers because i was fooled for four months. Then i left twice more but came back because i wanted to believe he was telling me the truth because i loved him. Found out i was pregnant 4 months after and then had a traumatic pregnancy and birth. I'm still trying to recover physically from that and other things. I couldn't really hammer this out because i was deeply depressed and lost inside myself. I wanted to forgive him of the offense if it were only this and have tried to do just that for the last two years. The unknowns kept haunting me and i fell into a deep depression as a result of all this and other unrelated things. I know it sounds crazy but i guess it can just happen that way. I've never been cheated on before so i didn't really know how to handle it and haven't until now, but i did not want to leave and it be a mistake. I know he does love me and did make a mistake but seemed genuine in his commitment from there on. I wanted to believe him but there were still some big question marks inside. Our daughter will be 1 year old in a couple of weeks so, i look forward to finally putting this behind us and being together happily, to raise her.

You don't have to wish her well by any means. You can hate her for the rest of your life if you want to, but leave her alone. It's been more than a year. She most likely has forgotten all about it. It's just as though someone called you up from high school asking you, "Why did you do this or that? Don't you feel bad? You ruined my life." Wouldn't you be very removed from that? Perhaps frightened that this person was stalking you?
It's a bad idea to contact her again. Bury the doll if that's what you need to do, but don't harass someone who has moved on.