Thread: So Hurt... Cheated on...

I have read this thread over and over and over again and these words written by the op resonates with me so so deeply....

For about 5 years now, my husband has been gradually withdrawing from me and escaping into the tv, computer, video games, friends, sports, drinking, trips w/o me, etc. Escape is a key theme here. We literally on a regular basis can go an entire night physically in the same room, but not talking to each other, simply moving around each other. It feels like that's what our relationship has turned into- 2 people physically living in the same house, but living separately. there is so much distance between us. He has also stopped touching me, hugging me, holding hands, holding me at night, etc. unless he specifically wants sex.

Additionally, for about the past 4 years, he's been in really stressful work situations, which has caused him to have a great deal of anxiety. It has also lead to a great deal of anger/rage, which a lot of times gets taken out on me, the dogs, inanimate objects in the house, etc. He's not physically abusive or anything like that, but seriously, for the past year or so, has treated me on and off like I annoy the heck out of him, like he's just tolerating me, and like deep down he doesn't like or at times even hates me.

Now... I was married to a husband like that... In my case, I did everything to try and make it work... It did not...

Ask yourself this simple question...

Does a man that is supposed to LOVE a woman treat her like the he has treated you over the past few years?

I am not trying to frighten you but in my case the violence escalated and he manipulated me into making me believe that I DESERVED to be slapped around because whatever happened was my fault...

I ended up being his punching bag... It took years... It started by breaking things, verbally assaulting me and all kinds of "looks" that told me to back off... I learned not to move when I am sleeping... etc etc etc...

He even made me believe I was a nut case just like his mother... She spent the better part of ten years in a mental institution... Anyway... I did go see a doctor and was medicated which sucked out all the colours in my being and in my life. My whole world had become one shade of grey.

One day, I do believe it was my guardian angel... in a way... I got up, flushed the pills down the toilet and decided I would take my life back and live up to consequences of my desisions... It did not matter what anyone else thought of me... I was going to march to the beat of my path... I was going to follow my road and let the chips fall where they may. I will stop here because I do not want to annoy you with my life but I will state this, with each step I became stronger and stronger and the day I decided I would not allow myself to feel fear oddly enough, I then saw behind his intimidation tactics... He was taken off guard because they no longer worked. With each day, I became stronger inside and allowed myself to heal and become the person I was meant to be.

Then one day I had enough and planed my exit... See, he had such little respect for me that he thought I would never leave because I had no back bone and a loser to his eyes...

It turns out, I was making more money than him, more successful and more popular than he could ever dream of... anyway... It took me years to realize this. He felt inferior to me all this time and he way to cope was to bully me into submission...

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I am now divorced and if this is any consolation... There is a rainbow at the end of the tunel...

I have learned one big lesson in all this...

I have learned that I prefer to be alone and allow myself to feel lonely than to be with someone that supposedly loves you and feel the deep endless black hole of loneliness."

I have felt both... It is better to be alone and sometimes feel lonely by a long shot. The loneliness is just a passing mood, not a permanent problem.

Hope you understand and I hope it is not too late... You do not have to answer on a public forum but if he has verbally and physically scared you in any way... It is only a matter of time before you get beaten. Bullies love to make you feel fear and feed off it...

Do take heed...

I sooooo want to be wrong....

Plan your exit... Seek information about this... Learn about the battered wife syndrome...

I hope I am wrong...------------ At least someone tried to tell you about that.

Bye for now...

NLB, The one thing I have learned out of all of this is to hold your head up high and be true to yourself and no that you didn't cause this your not at fault. Life has it's ups and downs and right now this is one of the downs, think long and hard about the little things in life that make you happy and use those things to get you through each and every day. Not every man that cheats is sorry but some I feel really are and remember people make mistakes and only the ones whom you love can you forgive and move on.

Keep Going even on the bad days

I'm having a really bad day. On days like today I just want to get in the car and drive far, far away from here and this situation. I wish I just could pick up and leave and start over. Sometimes it seems like just starting over with an entirely new situation would be so much easier than fixing this one. But I know in my heart that that's not the right thing to do. (I do love my husband and he loves me and is really trying hard to make things right, and contrary to some of the interpretations of one of my previous emails, I don't see him/us on a path towards abuse. Lack of communication and withdrawal at times, maybe, but not abuse.) It's just really hard to accept that things aren't going to change over night and to accept the set backs. We fall back into old patterns of communication (or lack thereof) from time to time and all I can think is "Oh God, here we go again"... I wish I could just wake up and have this not have happened. I'm so angry at him at him tonight...

Right after he told me about cheating on me he was so vigilant about being here for me and communicating and being expressive and caring and loving. I had this huge fear that as soon as he realized I wasn't going anywhere, he'd fall back into old patterns. And tonight it feels like that's exactly what's happening. When he gets grumpy or upset about something he completely withdrawals. I know he is upset, but only sometimes can get out of him why. Right now I feel like he's trying to make me pay for a situation that he's angry about by ignoring me. I've been dealing with him turning on/off his feelings for years now and I'm sick of having him withold them simply b/c he's upset about something. He's a grown man, for God's sake; he needs to learn to manage his emotions. I'm sick of having to be on the receiving end ... And given what he's done, he's in no position to act this way...