Thread: So Hurt... Cheated on...

I think Lakerat said it just perfect!! It hurts more then ever and you don't know how to get passed it but if your strong and work together it might be the worst thing you'll ever deal with as a couple but it will make you a strong lasting couple in the end.

Just take each day at a time it will get easier!!

Sassie

Good Advice Thack!!

I think I will try and follow in what you are saying myself as I too am dealing with a similar situation. I think that is why this site is so great as you get to hear things from a different side of the table.

Sassie

Thanks, Thack. I will try to keep giving 200% in mind when I get to the point where I've made a full committment to stay. I want to be at that point, but have a ways to go yet.

Ok, so last night I promised to list the issues that led up to this mess, so here goes... bear with me, this is a long message...

For about 5 years now, my husband has been gradually withdrawing from me and escaping into the tv, computer, video games, friends, sports, drinking, trips w/o me, etc. Escape is a key theme here. We literally on a regular basis can go an entire night physically in the same room, but not talking to each other, simply moving around each other. It feels like that's what our relationship has turned into- 2 people physically living in the same house, but living separately. there is so much distance between us. He has also stopped touching me, hugging me, holding hands, holding me at night, etc. unless he specifically wants sex.

Additionally, for about the past 4 years, he's been in really stressful work situations, which has caused him to have a great deal of anxiety. It has also lead to a great deal of anger/rage, which a lot of times gets taken out on me, the dogs, inanimate objects in the house, etc. He's not physically abusive or anything like that, but seriously, for the past year or so, has treated me on and off like I annoy the heck out of him, like he's just tolerating me, and like deep down he doesn't like or at times even hates me. There have been several occasions in the past few months where I've told him I loved him and he either said nothing or just said "yeah". Basically his escapism coupled with his withdrawing/indifference towards me, has left me without a partner, and feeling lonely and at times has really impacted my self esteem. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely innocent here. I have been in counseling working through childhood sexual abuse issues for a few years now, and while I feel I've come a long way, I have a lot to learn in terms of assertiveness. My counselor says I'm confrontation-averse. Anyways, couple his treatment of me with a former job I had for 5.5 years (I left 2 weeks ago) with a very negative work environment where it was acceptable to blame others and treat them like dirt, and one group of catty friends (that I have disassociated myself from) and I've felt pretty dumped upon for at least the past year. Additionally, I had a severe progesterone imbalance after having my daughter that led to mild post partum depression, (which has since been resolved, thank goodness). To add to the stress, we over bought on a house a few years back, and now have some financial issues to add to the mix.

My husband has acted independently, like a bachelor since we've been married, signing up for trips, sports teams, evening activities regularly without including me in the discussion/decision. This has been a major issue for me as I've felt like I've compromised myself and my needs to give him "his freedom". This has created a number of situations for which I'm resentful. Here's a shortlist:


-When I was pregnant, for about a 2-3 month period he was on a hockey team, two softball teams, and went out with the guys about 1x/ week. Leaving me home 3-4 nights a week by myself. At least 2 of those nights he would hit the bar after his games and drink- often too much to legally drive. On one occasion he drove home from the town next door, threw up, then passed out on the bathroom floor. I had to step over him the next morning to get ready for work.

-Additionally, he planned and went on annual an fishing trip to a remote area of another country w/o phone access 3.5-4 weeks b/f I was due. He didn't want to rent a satellite phone so I would have the insurance of reaching him, due to cost, and only did so b/c I insisted and his Dad agreed to pay. His dad offered to postpone the trip or do a shorter one and he declined the offer. If he had any concerns about leaving me for 1.5 weeks so close to my due date, he never said anything

-The night I came home from the hospital with my daughter, he went to play softball. Yes- I agreed to let him go. what was I thinking? What was he thinking? I was terrified of being on my own with my first baby who I wasn't sure I knew how to care for, my hormones were in a mess b/c my milk was coming in. She cried the entire time he was gone, as did I.

-1.5 weeks after I had my C-section, b/f I could drive, while he was taking me on errants, he asked me, angrily: How long until you can drive again?- like it was a major pain in the kiester for him to take me around while I recovered from major surgery

-He proceeded to go out about once/week after my daughter was born- either to play softball (which is synonomous with getting a drink at the bar afterwards, as the team is sponsored by a bar) or going to the bar to watch a his teams play. I called him a lot when he was out, b/c our daughter had cholic, cried incessently, and I didn't know what to do. He had the nerve to tell me that it seemed like everytime he went out "something came up".

-The final straw that drove us into counseling last year, was when he decided to go on a week long hunting trip my first week back to work, knowing I was really nervous about it, was insecure at that time in my decision to go back to work, and that I wanted him home. He was such a jerk when I asked him to stay or at least shorten it to a weekend trip. I made the mistake of telling him if he wasn't man enough to help me out, to get someone to do the job for him. And that's just what he did. He had is parents come to town from several states away to "help me out". If I heard his Mom say one more time that she was there to babysit me, I could have strangled her! Unfortunately, we did not choose our counselor wisely and ended up seeing someone who's style just didn't work for us, so we never went consistently.

All of this is coming out in counseling tomorrow, btw. (I'm really hoping this person will work out.) I'm just so angry with myself for being such a wuss and not standing up for myself better in this relationship. I should have told him way before now to shape up or ship out.

And now all of a sudden says he wants to show up to the table and truly "be w/ me" to connect; I don't even know if that's what I want. It's been what I've been waiting for for so long, but I don't know if I can trust him again. What's to say he won't be here for me for a year, then slip back into his old patterns. What's different? Why should he get a free pass just b/c he cheats to come and say, OK- I've been missing and a jerk for years now, but I'm really going to show up this time. Who does he think he is??? I just don't know if I can open up my heart to him again. I feel so vunerable and angry and resentful- not just for this incident, which I strongly believe was just another form or escape related to everything else that's been going on as opposed to a testosterone/alcohol poisoned episode- but for how he's been acting. I let him hold me last night and actually told him I loved him back, and now, everytime I do or say something nice to him I regret it afterwards thinking I'm somehow condoning what he's done. Arrrghghghgh.... enough said for one posting!

I totally understand where your heart is right now and it's not a good feeling. You love him and wanted him to say all these things to you long before now and where you have waited for so long it seems like your at a place in your life that you feel you have waited long enough and it's too late. So what to do right well I don't think there are any right or wrong answers I think the way you have to look at it right now is are you will to give it one more shot or not, is it worth the chance to see if it works. Nobody can ever tell you how to handle your feelings not even a professional even though I wish it were that easy.

Something our councellor said to us when we went is that a relationship has 3 parts and I really think it's true as if you don't have all 3 items then you don't have a real relationship.

Number 1-Mental being the mind
Number 2-Emotional being your heart
Number 3-Sexual being below the waist

Honestly I know with my husband and I we have always thought we had all 3 in the past but I really don't think we have had it in the last couple of years and so we are working on trying to find all three. Sexually is what seems to be the easiest or so everyone might think but having a good sex life isn't about the actually act it's the feeling that are involved that make it wonderful and special. Working on the 1 and 2 make 3 amazing.

I don't know if this will help your situation but it's worth a shot if you willing to give your relationship one last go at it. If not then the 1, 2 and 3 were really never there to begin with it's not worth what it once might have been.

Do what's right for you and your 1,2,3 as all of those things have to feel right for you. We are working on fixing ours and the 1,2 and 3 are getting better.

Good luck
Sassie

Married Men cheat for one reason. Opportunity and sex. It isn't about you. This doesn't change his feelings towards you. Reading the situation...I think he was brave enough to tell you and although it was wrong, he wasn't looking for a new relationship. Yes, you feel bad. This is something you can overcome. He loves you but was tempted. Try and forgive. You don't have to forget. Just forgive.