ok...so the truth

**suzanne214** · 11-20-2008 06:58 PM

ok so i really am in a bigger mess than i have let on.

i have tried writing two other threads to try and get help but i havnt been totally honest on either of them, as even on here i am kind of ashamed of myself, which has meant that the help i am getting isnt totally relevant.

Basically...i came to uni with a boyfriend, then i moved in next door to this guy (though they are always in our house and we are always in theres so we are practically living together) and there was just an instant connection.

a little more history on me and my boyfriend-we had been together about 11months and we really did have a good relationship and he means just so much to me (although people are probably going to say that he doesnt considering what i am about to say),

we were even planning to live together next year. but on with the story...

basically, after only about a week of living there, me and the guy next door kissed...and we kind of made a rule that it was just a 'freshers week thing' and that it was allowed just for that week which i know is ridiculous and stupid and a horrible thing to do...but at that time i wanted nothing more than to kiss him...which i know makes it seem like i have so little respect for my boyfriend...

but i really do! i really care about him and i cant believe that i was that stupid.

anyway, after freshers week we tried to stop, but it just didnt happen..i have no excuse but we just always ended up together (no more than kissing) though one time he did sleep over in my room, but nothing more than kissing actually happened although i know that its still really bad.

as time went on i grew to really like him a lot, and in the end i was thinking of him more than my boyfriend and i was picking stupid fights with him over nothing and in the end i broke up with him, as i knew that i couldnt have them both,

even though i really didnt want to break up with him...

and actually doing it was i think the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life...he was so upset and i just wanted to comfort him, i just felt like the absolute worst person in the world...and when we were breaking up, he asked me 'i just want to know one thing...is this because of another guy?' and i lied to his face, and told him that it wasnt...

and it was the worst feeling in the world...i still cant get the hurt look that was on his face when i told him i wanted to break up out of my head..its making me cry now just thinking about it...

anyway...we broke up and i ended up with the other guy and it was good for a while, and a couple of days later we slept together, even though i know that thats really soon and it makes me sound like a complete slag but yeah...it happened, and he was good about it, like there were no bets with the housemates or telling all the boys about it, but still things didnt seem right, i was always thinking about my ex...and i did start to really really miss him.

i was still seeing him pretty much everyday, but it was really hard on both of us like he kept asking whether there was a chance of us getting back together and i said yeah...because i still have such strong feelings for him...like we were really good friends for about five years before we got together which makes it even worse...

basically after about 2 weeks of being broken up, i went to see him one time and he was really down, like i have never seen him like that..and i just wanted to make everything all better and well...basically we slept together...so bad i know...

i really miss him...i want him back...but then i want this other guy too and i know that i cant have both of them.

i dont know what to do i like them both so so much...and the idea of losing either one of them makes my stomach clench...although i know i probably deserve to lose them both.

i know that if my ex found out that i was with someone else now that he would hate me.

he would never speak to me again i am sure of it.

but if i stay with this other guy and just be friends with my ex then i know that i will always be looking over my shoulder and be really worried that he is going to find out about this other guy,

but then if i get back together with my ex i am going to feel so awkward whenever i bring him over to the house as all of my housemates obviously like the other guy and are going to think that i am being a complete ....

and i wouldnt want the other guy to see me with him either...so either way im screwed...

seems like i have kind of shot myself in the foot here and am going to end up with neither

i dont even really care about what happens to me anymore...i just dont want to hurt them...

i just wish i could run away and pretend that none of this had happened but i know i cant...

sorry this has been so long...i just needed to tell the truth to someone as it seems that all i do at the moment is lie and i cant stand it...

any help that anyone could offer would be greatly appreciated...thank you

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2008 07:10 PM

Yep your screwed.

Well, it was inevitable that your story as told here, was what was going to eventuate, pretty sure it was stated "don't sleep with him what ever you do".

REASON?

Because, you have a good heart. So therefore, you have a sub-conscious and therefore you can't take the lying, cheating and so... your in a termoil.

I think, you have to understand that it would crush your boyfriend, it won't crush this guy, that's infactuation on both of your parts. But, 11 months, your boyfriend loved/loves you.

You have to bite the bullet and tell him and take the risk, of losing him for good, if you expect to continue talking to him or else, you have to never speak with him , and therefore keep it a lie.

I don't know the answer really. I probably would fess up, say I was stupid say that i left you first, i didn't leave you for another guy, just confusion of feelings, I am young...

In my heart, i have a lot of love for you but i am young and committment terrified me, so confused.....

Maybe speak to the other guy and ask what his feelings are to you as well, if it's just "fun" and likes you he may say mum is the word but then that is a lie.

I can't lie, that's me...

Think you just have to realise you weren't ready to "settle" into something full time in total love because your not or else that wouldn't have happened and don't beat yourelf up, as you are young.

When you fall, you will fall and that will be it. You won't look at another guy.

See what others say, ...

Feels good to be honest though doesn't it?

CW

**suzanne214** · 11-23-2008 07:01 AM

i really want to be with my ex again...i miss him so much and i know that i made such a big mistake. but the thing is...i have kind of trapped myself, i really thought that i liked this other guy but it just isnt the same. i do love spending time with him, and i think that if it wasnt for my ex i would be really happy with him...but i guess i am just filled with guilt at the moment. i dont know how i can break up with this guy when i live with him...i cant believe that i let this happen...i have spoken to some of the other housemates about it and as soon as i have started to explain they all get really shocked and are like omg...ur not thinking of getting back with your ex are u!??!?! and i just cant bring myself to tell them. they all know the other guy so well and it just looks like i am screwing him about...i dont know what to do

**N01** · 11-23-2008 07:57 AM

Suzanne,

first off, please stop being so hard on yourself. You are human and we all have conflicted and changing feelings and thoughts at times.

I have to ask, do you know what it is you really want? If you do, are you willing to admit it to yourself?

You have to admit to yourself what it is you really feel for BF1 and BF2:

Who are you in love with?

Who do you love?

Who do you just like alot?

And please remember, you are not a slag. Having conflicted and mixed feelings about 2 other people yes, slag no.

**crzyredhead21** · 11-23-2008 10:26 AM

Everyone here has given soem good advice. If it was me I'd say to heck with both of them and be alone for awhile to get my head on striaght as to what i really feel. You jumped too soon into this other relationship.. dont feel bad abotu it.. it happens. You can't just wipe away all the good times and good feelings for BF1 as if they didnt happen and start all over with so soon after breakgn up. Take soem tiem for yourself.. get a massage, get your hair done.. do things that make you happy by yourself. That's what I think you may ned.. time alone to sort through all these feelings. Good luck to you hun!

**suzanne214** · 11-23-2008 12:31 PM

i totally agree with u and i do think that i need time away from them both its just difficult to get that. i live with one of them and the other one i drive home whenever i go which is most weekends, and whenever i go out with my old friends he is always there, well because he is one of them. thank u everyone who read all of that btw....i know it was a bit of a mouthful :S

**OGFL** · 11-23-2008 03:31 PM

whatever u do hope find peace but u still tell ur ex why u left. I know most people wont agree but its better if u tell than if they discover truth another way ( this includes even u do go back to ur ex or choose to go single for awhile). Take it from someone whos lived in ur exs shoes and try to minimize the potential emotional backlash by being honest.

**sassie** · 11-23-2008 05:26 PM

Well the only suggestion that I really have is to be honest. The rule of thumb is the truth will set you free. I know the thought of telling the truth to both of them will be hard but by telling them you will feel better inside and also find out how each of them feels about the situation. Look at it this way if BF1 finds out about BF2 from someone else it will be twice as bad then if you tell him yourself. On the other hand if one of your housemates talks to BF2 then you are going to be up a creek without a paddle as BF2 is going to be mad that everyone in the house knew before he did.

Taking time for yourself is a wonderful idea which will give you time to find yourself but in the meantime I would get a move on making a decision on what you are going to tell the guys before someone else tells either of them. Some people in life get joy out of seeing someone else in pain so make sure the guys find out the truth from you and not someone else that is having a bad day.

Good Luck

**sTyLeRock** · 11-23-2008 07:29 PM

yeah i'd say be honest to, speak to your ex and ask how he feels about u with another guy, and if you want to get back with you ex, ask ur ex how does he feel if you were "with" another guy.

I'd pref my girl be honest with me and hurt my feelings then lie and spare them.

**crzyredhead21** · 11-23-2008 08:33 PM

As far as how to be alone when BF2 is right next door... to be honest if he REALLY cares about you and wants a serious relaionship with you, he should understand and suport your decision to be alone. He shoudl give you the space because it matters to him for you to be emotionally whole. If he's not willing ot leave you be then this should be an indicator of the kind of person he truly is. I also agree with the others. You should prob admit what hapened to BF1. Keeping big secres liek that can seriously mess you up! I knwo from experience. I kept a silimar secret for a long time and it nearly drove me mad!! Will it hurt him?? Yes! But it may be a starting point of getting YOU emotionally whole and ready to either accept a new relationship or continue with your previous b/f.

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