8 yr relationship..I'm confused

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-22-2008 03:03 AM

Originally Posted by czypatty

Oh I forgot something. When I tell him I need time he tells me I will never find anybody like him. He says now-a-days all guys do drugs and want to be with a girl only for sex. That really makes me think I will never find another guy that will really appreciate me because he will only want sex. I have only slept my bf and he knows it. I wouldn't be able to handle someone using me only for sex.

Clutching at straws. He is hurt. To give you fear, he hopes, will make you go back to him.

It's true... Alot of guys do only want a girl for sex, end of the day it's whether she gives it to him or not. If, not , generally, there is respect and therefore, the commencement of a relationship to see where it goes.

Just, remember you are not experienced with how a man talks, ok, you have only been with one man.

They will say I love you, you are perfect, rada rada, and you will fall smitten and then give in and that's it.

Make him wait who ever he is, if those words are real you will find that out soon enough.

It gets alot easier as you mature, and grow within yourself, different when you are an adult and not nieve to the games boys play, but for now, date , go out, have fun, keep yourself to yourself in that regard until you feel that the connection is real.

My thoughts anyway.

CW

**Joy** · 11-22-2008 07:56 AM

I think you need to explain to him its time for you to explore you. If you have been with him so long since you were 15. I think you just wanna see if there is life out there beyond the bubble you have lived in. You wanna spread your wings and really fly.

Sometimes we can't do that unless we leave all the security we know behind. He was your first real relationship, He was your first lover, he was your first at a lot of things.

If he fixed your car remind him that he obviously wanted to. You did not force him. He is hurt and turning into something negative. He is playing the vicitm role and using guilt to keep you. I'm sure during that time you did nice things for him as well and it was a give and take. I'm sure you drove him to places in that same car.... so he got benefits from it being fixed as well.

Ending a relationship is never easy it hurts both people to let go of someone they loved even if you are the one ready to move on.

Maybe he should really consider the space you need if he loves you this much.

good luck

**crzyredhead21** · 11-22-2008 08:52 AM

I'm sorry but what an awful, controlling thing to say! There are plenty of WONDERFUL guys out there! Of course there are bad apples but I just listen to your intuition and you shouldnt get one of those. Don't let him make you feel bad for wanting your own life. There is NOTHING wrong with that!
Also, yes, men do want sex. Hard-wired into their brain. Find a guy that respects you and you shouldnt run into this problem. Good luck hun!

**WildChild** · 11-22-2008 11:53 AM

He's hurt, lashing out, trying to keep control. This is pretty typical behavior. Neither of you had the experience of dating different people and deciding you didn't want to date certain people, so neither of you know how to deal with a break up.

Laying a guilt trip on you, making you out to be nasty and awful, is a way of softening the blow for him. It's the, "I didn't want it anyway" thing. Emotionally immature people do a lot of this. I've gotten it in the ending of my marriage. He told his family, doctors and me how awful I was, uncaring and used him. I was one bad***ed ***ch. Then he tried to convince me we could work it out. They don't get the idea that they burned the bridges with that.

If he really wanted you, the smart thing to do would be to free you with encouragement to go sow your wild oats, get it out of your system, find out what's out there, while staying your friend and being there for you. If he really believed that he was the best you can get, this wouldn't scare him at all, he'd know you'd be back and ready to commit. Instead, he's engaging in belittling you and trying to make you believe that you are so pathetic that he's the only one who can tollerate you. If you are that bad why does he want you? Really, it's emotional abuse and manipulative behavior.

You just take your wonderful and good self right out and have some fun! Ignore his head trips.

**thack** · 11-22-2008 05:52 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Interestingly studies have found that couples who make it through the infatuation phase to a deepening relationship and then hit the "too settled" point and get through it, report a much deeper, more satisfying relationship. The question is what it takes to do that? I don't know because too often it that too many hurts and misunderstandings build up. Perhaps good communication is the key?

I wanted to comment on this quote, I can understand this, this is where I thought my relationship was and I would have to agree, communication would be a KEY ingrediant, including trust. Must have that.

Other than that, I have not read much past it, I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for.

**czypatty** · 11-22-2008 08:38 PM

All these comments are great, they are very motivational. It makes me feel alot better. Thanks

I'm going to talk to my bf again and see what happens. Hopefully it doesn't turn out ugly again and make me feel bad about it. He is a great guy. I'm sure he will find somebody that will love him, as he deserves. I know he will be better off with someone that loves him and really appreciates him, although he said he would never date anybody if I was to break up with him.

Joy mentioned something that I didn't think was possible. Ending relationships hurt both, even if I'm the one ready to move on. Wow, I really didn't think it was possible. The times I have been really decided on breaking up and I talk to him about it, it REALLY hurts me too. I thought my hurt was because I really didn't want to let him go. I guess its all part of the process of moving on

**Hatinglife2008** · 11-25-2008 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by czypatty

All these comments are great, they are very motivational. It makes me feel alot better. Thanks

I'm going to talk to my bf again and see what happens. Hopefully it doesn't turn out ugly again and make me feel bad about it. He is a great guy. I'm sure he will find somebody that will love him, as he deserves. I know he will be better off with someone that loves him and really appreciates him, although he said he would never date anybody if I was to break up with him.

Joy mentioned something that I didn't think was possible. Ending relationships hurt both, even if I'm the one ready to move on. Wow, I really didn't think it was possible. The times I have been really decided on breaking up and I talk to him about it, it REALLY hurts me too. I thought my hurt was because I really didn't want to let him go. I guess its all part of the process of moving on

I think I found your problem.. you said he is the only guy you have ever been with right? I learned that through many relationships, especially the great ones that end badly... that is when you find out what you really want in a counterpart.

I have had many many relationships but I can't even imagine ending and 8 year deal. That has to be one big emotional brick wall to knock down.

You really don't want to wonder about "Could have been relationships" You are making a good decision. Let him go. Best of luck

**Searching_82** · 11-25-2008 06:14 AM

Ahhh...the situations are so SIMILAR! Driving me bonkers. That's exactly how my ex is too..he just doesn't understand.

I'm going to tell you what my counceler told me and that is "Everyone grieves in their own way. Some grieve losses for a very long time, they only focus on the negative and shut people out (my ex), others look for the positives in the situations, focus on them, and try and better themselves from the situation (me). Not everyone is going to have the same grieving style as you . You cannot change how someone is. You can only accept it, be true to yourself, and stay on your own track never faultering to someone elses." I repeat that over and over anytime he starts going on a 'used' rampage or a 'everything you ever said was bull' rampage.

Its so hard to break away from something so comfortable. Something you've known and grown accustomed to for 8 years..but if you are having these gut feelings you owe it to yourself to give it try. You said you already have so many regrets and missed out on so many things...this is your window of opportunity to try them. Again, may you'll be happier, maybe you won't ...but wouldn't you atleast like to try so when your 40 you dont wonder 'what if?' or say 'oh no what did i do?'

**JWB_pof** · 11-25-2008 05:46 PM

crzyp,
you have to decide this on your own.
it is proven, ( and i cant give stats) but it is proven your body changes every so many years. they say your taste budds change every 7 yrs or so, so why cant the body, mind, or intrests etc change?
you can love someone and still not be in love with them. reason is because you spent so much time with them.
you can love someone and like another, but i am not sure you love the other untill you spend time with them. i personally think its more of an attraction/lust thing rather than love unless you spend time with them.
now in your case, staying at work may be good and maybe not, only time will tell.
i do however admire that you kept your distance. and most of all what i admire of what you wrote is that you got out of the sitsuation or at least tried to remove of a sitsuation, maybe b/c he has a g/f already but you didnt do anything yet. so pat on the back to you.
as for a relationship with co-workers, it usually doesnt last, but it can. most of the time i heard of it it was all lust and a fling type thing. so tread lightly if it leads that way.

if you already talked to your b/f and he doesnt get it, sorry to say but its bad and not your as you tried to deal with it and being honest. you did all you can do. i had said many times, why stay in something your not happy with. and someone will get hurt. that is the unfortuante things of relatiuonships that end. its a shame but it life.
you said your young in early 20's, well this is what goes on the 20's for alot of people. and especially that you were with him for 8 years. now you have the highschool sweetheart thing going. it would be a wonderful story to tell about highschool sweethearts but if you feel this way i dont see you telling that story unless you 2 can figure to be happy and do things.
wish you luck, and remember, you expressed your feelings, and were honest with him, so do not feel bad if you leave him. that is what i would want - someone to be honest and at least tell me, no matter how bad the news is.

**czypatty** · 11-26-2008 01:25 AM

Hatinglife2008- Yes, trying to end this relationship is a big emotional brick wall and I'm too weak

I'll try to stay strong because I don't want to have MORE regrets....I think I already have enough.

Searching_82- I know your situation is soooo similar to mine...I've read some of your threads. My bf also goes on that "everything you ever said was bull" rampage. I can't believe he expects for me to think the same as when I was 15!!!! That's ridiculous. No matter what I do or say, I think I'm going to end up being the "bad one".

JWB-pof- thanks for the pat on the back

I'm trying to see my co-worker as really good friend and nothing else. Hopefully my feelings for him go away....if not, I'm hoping to find another job sometime soon so I won't be around him anymore.

I still haven't talked to my bf yet but I will. I kinda want to wait until the holiday season is over.

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