8 yr relationship..I'm confused

**czypatty** · 11-21-2008 12:07 AM

Hello everyone

I'm not sure where to start....

I have been in a relationship for over 8 years and I'm somehow confused about my feelings now, which makes me feel TERRIBLE. I LOVED..LOVED..and I mean I really LOVED my bf with all my heart but I don't know what happened to all the feelings I had for him. Before, I would have given my life for him.

My bf is conservative and never likes to have fun, I use to like that about him but now it bothers me. Seems like I have not enjoyed life because of him, since he never likes to do anything. I'm in my early 20's and I want to move on with life but I don't know how.....

On top of everything, there is this guy at work that....I'm falling in love with. I know that's ridiculous because I have only known him for about a year or so. Besides, I know it's never good to get involved with coworkers. I never thought I would EVER have these feelings again in my life. I can't seem to take get him out of my mind though. I was about to take another job offer just so I wouldn't work with him anymore but my boss talked me out of it and I stayed. I'm not sure I made the best choice on staying because my feelings for my coworker are growing stonger

Worst thing, my coworker has been in a long term relationship with his gf so I know that even if I wasn't with my bf....I wouldn't have a chance with him.. whatsoever

Moving back to my bf situation. I have already told him how I feel. I told him I wanted time off to sort things out because I am confused about my feelings...but he doesn't seem to understand me. He starts crying and telling me things so I could feel bad for him, which works because I feel terrible and we end up together again. Sorry it was too long. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

**Searching_82** · 11-21-2008 08:17 AM

Same boat! Only I took my "feeling bad" one step further and got married...BAD IDEA. Go over to the Husband/Fiance board and read some of my threads. Trust me I was a walking train wreck when I was going through what you are going through. You realize that you love and care for the person SO much...but you aren't in love with them. It's so cliche the whole "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line but the fact of the matter is...as cliche as it may be it happens everyday.

I did the same thing...expressed how I felt, he would get upset, I felt horrible and took him back. Thats how I got stuck getting married. I tried calling it off multiple times b/c I knew in my heart it wasn't right...got suckered back everytime. Not blaming him though..it was my own fault for not listening to my gut.

Early 20's...me too. Go with your gut. Go have fun. Same issue..my guy was like a wet blanket but you're in your 20's! You've got to live! And if you feel that you have lost out on some of what life has out there for you, then take a little break and give that life that you may think you want to live a shot! You might find that you are happier than you can ever remember!(like me) or you may find that it's not as great as it seemed. It's going to be hard...my ex makes it hard on me everyday but you HAVE HAVE HAAAVE to stay true to yourself right now or you will end up in a situation like mine...please don't let that happen to you.

If you need anything private message me! I'm happy to talk!

Best of luck!

**rcoreyus** · 11-21-2008 04:10 PM

You never help yourself or your partner if you stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. Some times it takes a while to figure out that you are not compatible with your SO. But if the incompatibility is real and serious, there is no point wasting more of both your lives on an unhappy relationship

**czypatty** · 11-21-2008 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by Searching_82

Same boat! Only I took my "feeling bad" one step further and got married...BAD IDEA. Go over to the Husband/Fiance board and read some of my threads. Trust me I was a walking train wreck when I was going through what you are going through. You realize that you love and care for the person SO much...but you aren't in love with them. It's so cliche the whole "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line but the fact of the matter is...as cliche as it may be it happens everyday.

I did the same thing...expressed how I felt, he would get upset, I felt horrible and took him back. Thats how I got stuck getting married. I tried calling it off multiple times b/c I knew in my heart it wasn't right...got suckered back everytime. Not blaming him though..it was my own fault for not listening to my gut.

Early 20's...me too. Go with your gut. Go have fun. Same issue..my guy was like a wet blanket but you're in your 20's! You've got to live! And if you feel that you have lost out on some of what life has out there for you, then take a little break and give that life that you may think you want to live a shot! You might find that you are happier than you can ever remember!(like me) or you may find that it's not as great as it seemed. It's going to be hard...my ex makes it hard on me everyday but you HAVE HAVE HAAAVE to stay true to yourself right now or you will end up in a situation like mine...please don't let that happen to you.

If you need anything private message me! I'm happy to talk!

Best of luck!

Thank you so much for your words. You describe everything so perfect..yes I love him and care for him SO much but I'm not really "in love" with him anymore. I'll read through your threads once I get home, I'm at work and the computer at work suddenly kicks me out of the internet when I get on this site...don't know why.

When I told my bf about my feelings he asked me what would I say if he was to propose to me. I was really proud of myself for being 100% honest with him, I told him I would have to say no because I'm so confused and I don't want to get myself in that kind of situation right now. For now, I think I'm ok and he won't think about actually proposing to me.

Anybody else have opinions about my situation?

**WildChild** · 11-21-2008 04:32 PM

Searching I think she has to have 30 posts to PM.
Patty you have choices; you can break up and move on, try to bring some fun into your present relationship or leave things alone. Regardless, sounds like you need more fun in your life. Do you have some girlfriends you get together with, can get out with? Find things you enjoy and do them, bf or not. He doesn't have to be in on everything you do. Too many of us just shut ourselves up in the closet when we are in a relationship. If you are just in your early 20s and have been with this guy for 8 years, you must have gotten together young. Are you together by choice or habit? Have you dated anyone else ever? Has he? If you want try to save the relationship, find some fun together. You may have to lead him to it. Try planning two fun things every week, one with him and one on your own or with freinds. Since relationships are supposed to be equitable you will have to train him into doing some of it, you could start by simply making a request, "I'd like to see this show, why don't you get tickets?"
One time you spring for it or plan it, the next him let him (or guide him). You may both discover another side to him, or not. But then you would be in a better posistion to decide about the relationship. You've let this situation go on for a long time instead of taking responsiblity for your happiness. Most men seem to be much better at getting into a rut, they like a certain place to eat, they go there over and over, they like tv in the evening, it becomes every evening. They like a certain kind of jeans, they buy 5 pairs.

I heard a great explaination for this, as they mature both girls and boys go through a lot of changes in their bodies, hormones and thinking. Once they have reache physical maturity males don't have much change, they may get a little thicker in the waist and thinner in the hair but it's slow. Women cycle constantly, our bodies change and in very noticable ways, every month. So for men non change is the norm and for women change is the norm. We are the ringmasters of change, it's our lives. If we embrace it and take the men along for the ride, we'll all have more fun. What good is it all if there is no pleasure in it? So for it, find the fun and see if he'll come along.

**crzyredhead21** · 11-21-2008 08:39 PM

"the ringmasters of change". I LOVE it Wild!

She's right though. You need to figure out what you want out of life. The whole co-worker thing... I went through that. Not pretty. Wayyyy to many complications! I was just desperatley looking for that emotional connection that I couldnt seem to find with my b/f.

I think there comes a time in every relationship when all of the sudden it is WORK to keep that flame alive. It's hard after 8 years to keep the romance up. I know it was really hard for me with only 4 years! You need to find your own happiness. Whether it be with this man or wothout him. You are still very young and have so much yet to experience! My biggest fear with my last b/f was waking up one day, 40yrs old, a couple kids, married to him, and going "oh my god.. what did I do??". You cant go back at that point and try to re-live your life. Take soem time away and figure yourself out.. you'll be a much ahpper person because of it no matter what you decide to do.

**WildChild** · 11-21-2008 08:58 PM

Interestingly studies have found that couples who make it through the infatuation phase to a deepening relationship and then hit the "too settled" point and get through it, report a much deeper, more satisfying relationship. The question is what it takes to do that? I don't know because too often it that too many hurts and misunderstandings build up. Perhaps good communication is the key?

**Joy** · 11-21-2008 10:39 PM

well a good relationship should not feel like work.......... it just goes with the flow..lol

WC you are so right we are always changing... i know that is my bf's biggest problem with me he loves control and i'm a hard gal to control . i have a beat that i gotta follow.

ya know if you guys are that different then taking time to do your own thing is great he can do his laid back sit around things and you can go out and be spontanious

**czypatty** · 11-22-2008 12:01 AM

Finally made it to the computer!
Thanks to everybody for your feedback. Great comments and things to think about.

I started going out with my bf about a month after I turned 15, he was my only real bf. Our relationship has practically always been just him and me. I never really enjoyed high school or my college experience because I would always spend time with him. I'm not completely trying to blame him for it either because I was always happy with it. I had too much things going on in my life to worry about enjoying time with friends. I mean, I was always busy with homework, work and him and I was perfectly fine with it though.

Another thing that makes me feel bad about leaving him is because he was always there for me, especially when I was in college. He would always be patient and understanding with me when I had to do homework instead of spending time with him. He would fix my car just so I could get to school and work. He was just there when I really needed him.

Now that I told him about my feelings he tells me that I used him. He says that I'm trashing him now that I'm finished with school and no longer need him. I don't know how to make him understand that its not like that. My feelings towards him have simply changed, nothing else. My goodness he acts like if he paid for my college career.

How could I make him understand that I didn't use him? I REALLY LOVED him back then and now I just want to move on. By the way, I'm sure his family will think I used him too.

I want to meet people and enjoy my youth. I don't want to live on regrets. I already regret so many things I didn't do.

**czypatty** · 11-22-2008 12:10 AM

Oh I forgot something. When I tell him I need time he tells me I will never find anybody like him. He says now-a-days all guys do drugs and want to be with a girl only for sex. That really makes me think I will never find another guy that will really appreciate me because he will only want sex. I have only slept my bf and he knows it. I wouldn't be able to handle someone using me only for sex.

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