Real "Stranger" Nightmares (advice plz!)

**88eyeballs** · 11-30-2008 12:23 AM

Hello everyone! I'm glad to be a part of this community now.

I'm not exactly sure if this is the right place to put this, but here it goes anyway.

I moved to New York City to go to college about three months or so ago. I absolutely LOVE it there like you can't believe--I was born in a small town in the Midwest and all my life that never really worked for me. I'm not a terribly social person; I like to get my work done and be satisfied with accomplishing something. I'm not a party-er, either, and it seems to be finally catching up to me in a bad way now.

At first when I was in the city, I was pretty paranoid to walk the streets alone. I suppose some people picked up on that because I was approached several times and called out to by strangers (men) on the streets. Obviously that's to be expected to a certain extent and while I panicked a little to myself, I managed to get away without any trouble--just minding my own business/ignoring/walking into a store kind of normal streetwise stuff. Eventually I became much more comfortable and people stopped approaching me.

Now, I don't consider myself a terribly attractive person, though I've been told many times that I am. I don't really believe it though somehow because to this day I have never had a boyfriend or anything--this was all through highschool, too. I'm certainly not attractive in any kind of traditional American 'skinny blonde' way. I've had crushes of course--but if I ever went through about asking him, I'd always get rejected. On the other hand, I've had several people try to ask me out as well, but they've all been unappealing to me in one way or another, and I've never really had an exceptionally good-looking guy ask me out. I've to this day never even had a real kiss. Then again, there weren't many desirables where I came from anyway!

Now, in the city, I've actually gotten so crazy about this strangers approaching business that I never wear makeup, and sometimes I intentionally wait an extra day or two to take a shower. I try not to make myself look too much like a desirable object to these guys, you could say.

It doesn't work.

While I've gotten much more comfortable actually walking the streets, and don't get bothered as often at all, I now get bothered when I'm sitting down, say, on the train or in a restaurant. I've had two unpleasant incidents that I wonder if any of you would consider 'normal;' or if I'm doing something terribly wrong that's attracting this kind of behavior, or if I'm just subject to freak circumstances.

The area in New York that I live in is a notably safe area. Of course, one must always have one's guard up, but the area is really nothing to be afraid of. The other night I was with two other good friends, eating at a 24 hour Greek diner. It was pretty late--perhaps around 11:30 or so--and the waiter, who happened to be a short, ugly, 50 year old man, started sitting next to me--right in front of my friends, mind you--and basically flirting with me, calling me 'beautiful' and such. I took it pretty lightly, and was friendly, but not to my knowledge provocative in any way. (Now, I'll interrupt this story briefly to say that it's truly against my nature to be mean, and even if I'm mean to a complete jerk I end up feeling guilty for a long time after. I was raised to be empathetic and it is both a blessing and a curse.) I tried to mind my own business but he kept coming back and flirting. I thought it was harmless. I've had people do similar things in front of my parents when I was little--adoring, that is; not anything sexual of course.

I know that it is in the Greek culture for men to be more gregarious to women, so I let him have what I hoped would be his one-sided fun and ignored him without being rude. (I also am aware that my body type and looks are what would seem to be as-described to be attractive to Greeks. I have long curly brown hair and dark eyes, and my body is built very much like the Neoclassical and Baroque painted women of the old masters--thicker but still shapely; nothing like the modern American icon.) This waiter did NOT touch me or anything, or I would have seen what followed coming and would have left without paying in a second.

So, when it is time for us to pay, my friends get up and as I was leaving a tip, the waiter comes back and says goodbye, and gives me a freaking KISS on the LIPS - TWICE. I did NOT see that coming. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do. I paid and left. Had I been smarter--and meaner--I would have reported him and gotten his fired. And not paid. But I was too shocked and disgusted to even think about that. I HATED that.

If that weren't enough, just about a week later I was getting on the train to NJ. It was ineffably crowded, and when I finally got in the train car, all the seats filled up quickly, and then a COMPLETELY drunk middle-aged man with a beer sits next to me. He looks like a well to-do type, which seems ironic but also explains why he could have gotten so drunk--he could afford all the liquor. I mind my own business, but he starts talking to me. I just nod and agree--I figure arguing with a drunk person would not be a terribly good idea. I try to mind my own business and text on my phone and such, and pretend to sleep, but this man will not shut up. I can't move my seat either because the train car is completely full. By now he's told me that he got off work at 1, went to have lunch with some friends and drank till they got there, then drank till 3, then went to a bar and drank, then went to dinner and drank till 5--it was about 6 when we were on the train--and now he was drinking a beer. I'm surprised he wasn't more shitfaced than he was. He told me he spent $1000 on drinks. I just nodded and agreed--I don't drink myself but I know other people do and I don't feel like I should impose my beliefs on people--I know I wouldn't appreciate someone imposing their beliefs on me one single bit.

Then, he tries to tell me that he works for the Railroad (which he may very well have, but you never know) and because our train got delayed 2 hours (which it did) that we'll either get a free ride, or he'd say I was his niece or daughter and get me on for free. I was not going to take that. I said I'd already paid numerous times and that I could handle it, but he persisted. I didn't give in--I just minded my own business again.

So, he talks to me for the whole trip and I just nod and agree, and mind my own business, and be nice but not exceptionally nice, but not mean either, until finally when he's about to leave, he asks me my name (and I told him a different one) and shakes my hand, and then freakin kisses me on the cheek. I tried to retaliate but I guess I wasn't mean enough. Then, he freakin asks me if he should call me sometime. That was it--I said assertively, "No, absolutely not," and he says, "Are you sure?" and I said, "I'm absolutely 100% positive," and so he was defeated. He said goodbye and to have a good holiday. But I felt a twang of hurt from him though. And that made me feel terrible--can you imagine that? After all that I feel guilty for being assertive.

So, you can imagine that I'm a little uneasy now after those events. I REALLY don't want things like that to happen again, but I really don't want to be mean to people because people are just people (unless you're talking about extreme cases). I know that if I'm friendly to a stranger and they snap at me something along the lines of "I don't talk to strangers" that I feel terribly hurt, and I don't want other people to feel that way.

So, what does anyone think? Has anyone had any real life nightmares like this by any chance, and how did you handle them?

Thanks a lot, girls! (and guys who may be here as well)

<3

**impatientlywaiting** · 11-30-2008 12:42 AM

Originally Posted by 88eyeballs

So, when it is time for us to pay, my friends get up and as I was leaving a tip, the waiter comes back and says goodbye, and gives me a freaking KISS on the LIPS - TWICE.

In Greek culture this is a normal greeting, simalar to the way some European cultures kiss each cheek upon arrival and departure. My fiance is 1/2 Greek so you can imagine my surprise our first Christmas together when his grandfather greets me with a lip lock lol..to them this is normal and I really don't think he meant to be intrusive.
As for the guy on the bus, I think he was out of line, but after $1000 worth of alcohol I'd be surprised if he could still see the line.
I understand where your coming from though I tend to attract weirdoes myself from time to time. I think you handled the situations pretty good, but you shouldn't feel guilty about standing your ground. Your entitled to your own privacy and space regardless of how you get it, even if that should include involving the authorities. ( hopefully that won't ever be the case but you get my point)
Take Care...and welcome to WH, the people here are pretty awesome, but I'm sure you'll see that for yourself soon enough

**WildChild** · 12-01-2008 08:01 PM

Think you are taking the wrong approach, dress it up, make up, nice clothes. Try to look your absolute best everytime you step out the door. It can be like an invisable sheild. You will be setting a higher standard for yourself and them. But for goodness sakes why are you so afraid of getting close to a man? What or who are you waiting for?

**czypatty** · 12-01-2008 11:35 PM

That's normal in Greek culture?

.....that would be so uncomfortable for me too.

I agree with WildChild and think you should dress up and try to look your best when you go out.

I hope everything gets better for you in New York!

**N01** · 12-02-2008 03:47 AM

Grew up in NYC and can tell you it's mostly about attitude. If you look timid or scared it'll get picked up on. If you act confident and look like you know exactly where you are going and that no one is gonna get in your way, people will more likely leave you alone. But even with that said, you still need to use discretion on what times of day you go where. And if someone is getting too close, either tell them to back off, or walk away and look angry!

Not sure that dressing to the nines is the right answer, but if it makes ya feel better...

**silvertae** · 12-02-2008 12:54 PM

N01 is right that attitude is huge. You cannot just withdraw into yourself in the hope that it will keep people away from you. It just makes you stand out as uncomfortable and an easy target.

Next, you HAVE to get over the guilt of being rude to people. If someone is making you uncomfortable you need to make it known and establish your boundaries. I get seriously uncomfortable when someone I don't know gets closer than a foot to me. I immediately withdraw and put out a palm in front of me if I'm really feeling uneasy or threatened by the closeness. If someone is leaning in, turn your face away and present them with your ear (for example if it's crowded and it's conceivable they're just trying to be heard) or simply step back. For random strangers on the train? For real, you are under NO obligation to even sit there and be "nice" to some drunk guy. You are not his friend. He has no right to hassle you. I recommend ignoring such people entirely or moving away, perhaps getting off if you can and waiting for the next train if necessary. Maybe develop the habit of wearing headphones. You don't even need to be listening to something (because if your hearing is impaired by music that presents its own set of dangers) but just keep them on as if you are in your own world listening to some music, making you seem more unavailable for conversation.

**WildChild** · 12-02-2008 02:46 PM

The thing with dressing well is that it does present more of an aire if confidence and competence. I don't mean dressing like you are going to a party but looking like a woman who has a plan for her life, is going places. It is attitude, when your dress says wishy washy, don't care, it's hard to present a strong presence. Walk with your head up, shoulders back, no Ipods in the ears - be aware of what and who is around you. Move with purpose, don't linger and wander places.