years later
Christmas sux
My "you're such a good man" so the said, chose to bring his into our house during the holidays, because that's when I was gone visiting family. He would always get out of going because it was my family, and I would always let him. So for three years while I was visiting my elderly parents with the kids, he was ing the on our family room floor, under our Christmas tree complete with a fire in the fireplace.
I know there was something missing in the relationship, he wasn't feeling satisfied at home, but neither was I.
His affair stopped because he got caught, not because he wanted it to. Her husband came to my job, and put a tape in my hand (this after a couple of years of phone calls and my coming home and asking, and him denying) I brought it home and he denied it until he couldn't anymore. Then about a week later her husband called me and told me about the secret cell phone. He denied that too until I found it in his car. And one of her big draws was that her husband was so awful and she was just looking for someone to have fun with. He told me one time she was his " buddy".
At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I have subsequently found out that he was the , calling her when I would be out of town. Once they broke up and he saw a friend of hers and he arranged to see her again.
Now its been three years almost since we had it out over the tape. I have stuck by him but he remains aloof about details and my needing to know so I can get past.
Maybe its too sordid. That's my conclusion. I am a fool for staying, but would I be a fool for going at this time. We still live in the house, who can sell at this time. and she works in our small community, in a local store and I think is biding her time until he calls again. He says he won't, but he lied so many times before.
What to do?
3 years is a long time.
Problem is, once cheated on you forgive, not forget.
Do you really have any reason to suspect NOW.... What happened happened.
Probably, over those 3 years, you have wanted to be there but can't because you see the past..
Can you let go of the past, live for the present, create a future?
CW
You don't want to know details, there was a reason, based on where you both were at at the time.
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
you are focusing on the wrong thing...
Why worry about the details of the affair but not about why both of you weren't satisfied?Originally Posted by ACE
Unless of course knowing the details would turn you on!?!?!?
It's like a doctor treating the symptom instead of the illness. doesn't really fix anything.
You and your husband need to discuss why both of you are/were not satisfied in your relationship with each other and then work on fixing that.
misunderstood
You are right about the focus...but not about the details...What I want to know is why does he say he never lied to her but he lied to me all the time. Why did he give my life away to her? I used to come home from work and he would be all clammed up.. I would try to talk to him and he would insult and berate me. I would say it was like he gave it all away at work, and he would say I was not listening... boy was he giving it all away at work/ He made me feel like it was my fault. He continues to say that she made him feel good, like a big deal, as she told him all about her idiot husband. They recreated her problems in our marriage, but who do I get to share it with? I feel so denied.
And I have hidden these things from my friends, this has isolated me from my friends. As we try to put it all on a new path, I guess I care too much what others think. So this forum is a place for me to purge. I think I have been in shock for many years. I knew he was running around for the 1st 2 years, but the last time, the 3rd year, I thought we were rebuilding, only to find out that he had been secretly seeing her again. I went out of town to a conference, made the arrangements the night before I left. he so sweetly drove me to work and dropped me off, and then went home and arranged for her to sleep over that night. Shooed her out of the house at 4am, and then picked me up at 8am. Those are thie things I want to know. How do I trust again. I want to... but I have been so naive.... I want to believe...
He is giving you so many hints of not being happy, with the way you both are, together..
He sought comfort and I think she did too.
You have to get to the root of your problems together, the affair isn't the problem it's the non-happiness between the two of you.
N01
but not about why both of you weren't satisfied?CWYou and your husband need to discuss why both of you are/were not satisfied in your relationship with each other and then work on fixing that.
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
What does he add to your life? What happiness does he bring into your life. If you can find things to focus on that brings happiness into your life about your husband this may help.
If you do this lil mental inventory and find he brings no happiness into your life that you are just both "there" co habiting and parenting together then maybe you should either 1 consider divorce or 2 consider an open relationship if at this time you can not sell your home but want to semi move on.
Consider some therapy to deal with some of the trust issues and you have every right to feel he dumped on you and gave all his happiness away to some bimbo. That won't solve your problems but you are well within right to have those feelings. The next step you want to take is towards healing............. If you can't heal together then work on healing for yourself and for your childrens sake.
sounds like he got caught up in someone elses problems instead of dealing with the ones he had at home. A form of escapizm. When we don't deal with our own problems we end up creating bigger problems for ourselves.
Work on healing for you....
more to the story
Hey folks, it gets even better...if I didn't have an odd sense of humor I'd be on the beach with a large metal umbrella waiting for the lightning to strike.
I was diagnosed about 8 years ago with young Parkinson's...it appears I've had it for about 12 years as I look back on the early symptons...you can imagine the anger, increduity, and feeling of helplessness that accompanies being told that. I'm doing very well on my medication, and Lord willing will continue to maintain. I have subsequently paid more attention to how my condition affects our relationship and my doctor is part of a research hospital where I feel they really care.
Right before the affair happened our oldest daughter came home pregnant. Steady boyfriend, now husband and terrific father, but traumatic. Grandparenthood thrust upon us....so many factors...but for me too...we were supposed to be a team..
As he drifted away I decided to go back to school, partly because I wasn't sure if I would have to support myself, but that took me even farther away.
But at the crucial moment of discovery he said Do you want me to leave? and I said Do you want to go? and we both answered No.
There are alot of positives.....
I feel like I may be able to see the positives as I let go of the negatives....but I'm having trouble shedding the ghosts.
so I guess I scared eveyone away
That's usually what happens if I am too brutally honest. I am a quasi existentialist at heart. Life is absurb, but there is always hope.
Today I had to drive into town and leave my husband home alone. We really have been trying to make life pleasant.. but I find myself resentful that we have to "try" so hard...we can never recapture that pre infidelity innocence. One of my favorite songs is by Susan Werner "I can be new". That's how I sometimes feel. So although I pretty much trust that he is no longer unfaithful, I nonetheless cannot stop that little voice in the back of my head that says he did it before, and he could do it again. I hate the feeling that I can never fully trust him again. To me that is the part that has to do with knowing about how he managed the affair. Will he tell me the truth or give one word dead end answers that make me the inquisitor. Do I have to continue making up scenarios from the few details he lets out (oh I met her there one time) and then have a quiz. or can he just come clean, let me in on the secret, by himself, because he wants no secrets between us? Those are the kinds of things I want to know.
oops
Susan Werner's song is "I can't be new". Sorry. Check it out on youtube....I had never heard of her before and stumbled upon her traisping through youtube.
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