Talking with the X
Some of you know my situation, its probably still on this page.
Well the situation has progressed from what it was to what it is now. I am 1 month from being back home and in my empty house and finalizing the divorce upon return.
Here is my issue, I have 1 son with the woman in question, her infidelity cut very deep into me emotionally, and the loss of her and my son (in my sense of the word family) was very difficult to get through while being deployed. I am in a better place now then I was back when this all started, so here is my current issue...
She has increased her emails to me, trying to converse with me, more and more, and today (letting me know first) she sent me a link to the pictures she took with my son for Christmas. When I saw the pictures of the two of them, my heart just dropped. Made me feel a swell of emotion that I haven't had in a little while. But I will not linger on that.
What I am trying to figure out is this, I have been trying to be as nice as I can throughout all of this, its very hard to be nice to a cheating woman who has accused you and blamed you for every reason why she is filing for divorce. I want to, but I still have so much built up inside that I can't really deal with until I am stateside again. I have done well to bite my tongue 99% of the time, but here and there I will let a slight comment through.
Its been 4 months since her boyfriend (my suspicions confirmed sadly) became public knowledge and I just feel "replaced". No other way to put it, I feel like a shoe cast aside because its old and worn (never mind the most comfortable thing you can wear :P ) and that's that. I am not even sure what I am asking here, how should I continue communication with her, or should I go back to my silence that I had held up for 2 months?
Just kind of a weird day, thought I would ask some more advice, glad you all don't charge :P I'd be broke and you'd be retired... haha.
Ty
"We easily see what is done to us,
Before we see what we are doing to our mate!"
I require paypal payments to dispense advice...
Anyway, it sounds like relationshipwise things are dead for the both of you, so you need to not play in that direction at all. Stay out of the way of the mother and new boyfriend, remain a part of your childs life and move on and try to find another woman. It cannot end well if you emotionally invest yourself so much in a failed relationship - unless it is your aim to claw it back.
That's the thing, long long ago I was hoping she'd come around and we could work things out. But I find it hard enough just to forgive her for her actions during the divorce proceedings, let alone not knowing exactly how long or how many times she had cheated on me during our marriage.
I am just trying to be civil at the moment. Its over I understand that, I am not emailing her begging her to reconsider and stop the divorce proceedings (since she is / has been pushing it)
I just don't want to end up one of those divorced people that cant go to my son's football game because my X will be there, that's how my mom was with my biological father, she said if he was at my wedding, she wouldn't even come to it. I DO NOT want that for my son.
One of the biggest problems is she hasn't apologized at any point for anything she's done, last time we talked about it, all she had to say is everything was my fault and I had only myself to blame for her leaving me and that her personal life was her's (as if I had ever pried, I always left her alone, gave her freedom to do things anyway).
I think it just may be a wee to early to try and be friends, that's how it feels for me at least. I know it must come to that someday for my son's sake, because I want him to have a good child hood, as much as a kid in a split family can.
"We easily see what is done to us,
Before we see what we are doing to our mate!"
Give up expecting an applogy, you aren't likely to get one and if you did it probably wouldn't do what you want. Try this; sit down and write a letter to her, express everything you think and feel, tell her what you want to hear from her. Then write a response as if she had read this and was responding the with what you want to hear. Then write your forgiveness. This isn't about her, it's about you letting go so you can move forward. This a technique I've seen in several counselor's books and it can be very effective.
interesting
I will give that a shot, I haven't written anything off as worthless to date, and I don't plan to.
I guess its not unusual to hope for some sort of apology on some level, I don't know.
"We easily see what is done to us,
Before we see what we are doing to our mate!"
sorry for what you went and are going threw.
x's are x's for a reason. in short there are called X's because they are x'ed out of our lives.
not many x's are still able to hold a friendly relationship and on good terms. so for those who do pat on the back to you all. but as for you and what she did to you. your either going to have your battle with her or bite your tung. either way you do becareful as you have a child involved.
my personal advice is only talk to her about your child and his well being. leave her and whoever she is involved with alone. only talk about your son with school, visits, health, family, and stuff like that. be there for your son, not her.
she made her bed and she will have to sleep in it. she did you wrong, and i bet either it will happen to her or she will do it again. KARMA buddy, it will happen. be the better person and only talk about your son. do not let her play into you and give you false hope of any kind.
be strong buddy. be a dad. be a good dad. forget her, not your son. be civil but dont let her stomp on you over and over.
your priority is to be a father to your son, and find another woman who will be there for you and make you and your son happy.
its her loss, your gain.
Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 12-18-2008 at 01:32 PM. Reason: member's request error
Thack,
Just be a good dad.... don't allow her to manipulate you into being the angry dad that doesn't go to school plays, concerts, football games.... cause its uncomfortable. You are a good strong man that can over come anything if you put your mind to it.
You deicide your code of conduct not her.... don't let her pull your chain with under handed tactics.
You decide how much chatter goes on between you too....... you don't have to reply to ever email she sends. A simple thank you for the link will do.
Forgiving someone isn't about them as WC said... its about you. Its about releasing that pain so that pain no longer has any control or affect on you. It does not excuse them for what part they have played. AS JWB said Karma they will have to face themselves some day we can only run for so long.
Never stoop to her level you obviously think more of yourself than that.
Hope you are having a great day!
yeah
I was leaning towards just not speaking to her again for a good long time. I went 2 months w/o talking to her and I actually felt pretty good during that time, so, I am going to do it again.
I know lots of people who split (even in my exact situation -minus the kid) who are still very good friends, but had a large gap in communication, so to avoid conflictual situations I am just not going to allow any possibilities to arise.
I will respond to her in regards to things concerning my son, but nothing else. She keeps repeatedly trying to "hope that I find someone that makes me happy" almost every conversation she says that, and then I shortly there after, just say have a nice day and log off my email. I don't really understand that.
So, I am just going to basically do what you mentioned, be a good father (thankfully he is 1 year old) to my son, and just not mention her around him what so ever, its bad karma to talk negatively about someone anyway, I have done my best to keep anything of that nature on this board in an anonymous fashion.
Karma, its a B... She will see that someday I am sure.
Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 12-18-2008 at 01:34 PM. Reason: Stop cheating and using *** to get past a word ha.
"We easily see what is done to us,
Before we see what we are doing to our mate!"
Thack.
Time to be smart.
You have already gone through all the emotions, thoughts, questions "how to get her back", to "anger, she cheated" to, "i am reading how to move on" to " one day i will let someone else in, thinking now what i want" to i really don't love her anymore" to " my child, my child"... how..do I?
You've done all that...
She has tried playing the cards of, how she can win, putting the boyfriend in the photos with your son for-instance, to then asking for your friendship, confusing you with being nice.
Your turn.
Think about it, the only thing now you want out of this, the only thing, is as much time as you want with your Son... That, he knows you are his father.. You know this other guy will not last, she is in a world of her own at the moment.
Play the game.
Play it down.
Act now like the boyfriend doesn't worry you one bit anymore, your over it.
Your love for her is just friendship, your over it.
Oh by the way, how's our son? What has he been up to?
Reverse Physclogy if you will.
If she has no reason to play the games, she can't play them.
If your only desire now is to be close to your son, use the ACE CARD ACE.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
(had several drinks tonight, twas a team party)
I can see what you are saying CW, its just hard to do so *sober*
I want her as a friend, but i do not think that I am ready to be her friend yet, which is sad in my own eyes. I am my own worst enemy that is for sure.
I dont see how I can just "act" like everything is ok between us, because its not, she did the most unfaithful, unloyal, disrespectful, and any other way you can put it, thing in the world to me.
I have avoided being with several foreign (exotic) women, however you wish to put it, she could have done the same, no matter what the situation, I guarantee that she did NOT feel any different than I have felt in the past 8 years at any point. SO she has no excuse, all though she was the first woman I have ever had that sort of love for, and the first woman I let into my life/ feelings like that, she still has no right to claim that what she has done is ok.
I am going to ignore her once again, I will portray on my facebook/myspace that everything is just fine, which I think I am doing decently, and just avoid her, there is no law in divorce that says I have to talk to her, perhaps the total void that is ME will sort of slap her in the face, maybe not getting the happy medium of having her boyfriend but talking to her husband will wake her $$ up a little bit.
There is still emotion tied to this divorce, sadly, I wish I was strong enough just to cut ties but I am not, like i said, I chose to love her over any woman I had ever been with in my life, even though we were 19 when we got married( i know, young) that makes no difference.
I dont know, she still haunts my dreams, day and night, no matter what dreams they are, she seems to creep in them. That bothers me a lot. I have made plans to try and change my routine once I get home, basically living as a good man/father when I have my son, and then just going out and being a single guy again on the weeks he's at mommy's house.
she's in for some rude awakenings when I get home, the money she's been getting (i have been overpaying out of kindness) gets cut more than 50%, she will be away from our son for the first time in our lives, and as well, she will see me downtown talking to women (or her friends will see me, I will not live the life of a hermit because of 1 woman's weeknesses) I will not use women to use them, but I will also not cheat myself out of some time to be me, free, and single at the same time. IF women approach me, I will not turn them away, but then I will not mislead them and let them think that I am going to settle down with them tomorrow either.
as my father said, love happens when you least expect it, well that is true, hence why I ended up with the STBX, but I will not allow it to happen for a little while, I want some single time, some time to just be me, free, no strings, as allowed. Not like I plan to be horrible or anything, I just need time to separate myself from her, and from the guys I have talked to who have been in my shoes, they said that the first time they felt good after this sort of situation, was when they "sealed the deal with another woman" - who knows, I wont until I am home.
(i am fairly drunk right now, much backspacing happening, but I dont know, I dont even care if she has found this website and realizes what my name is (close to my email address) she shoudl know what she's done, and I know that deep in her mind she probably does, she's just trying to project that nothing bothers her at all, which I need to do in return I guess. I hate this , I could have gone through life just fine with out this, I know we had issues, but , never knew that it was to this point where she would cheat, F'n women that keep things under wraps until its too late, what good can come of hiding something like that. HOPE is not a strategy, if something is bothering you, LET IT OUT...)
that is MY best advice to any woman going through problems, sit them down, and talk to him WITHOUT seeming like its just another day, wake us up, (which is why we react the way we do when women leave w/o notice, its a surprise to us) WAKE US UP, I dont know how, but dont just sit there and be miserable until you CANNOT take it any more, because any self respecting man who loves his wife will not react the way you want him to. We dont just shut off the relationships, unless we are the ones pushing the divorce/split, we dont just shut it off, hints are just that... hints, WAKE US UP, be BLUNT, tell us what you feel you NEED. that's all I can hope for, is to find a woman who's good, loving , caring, affectionate, outgoing, happy with HERSELF, and honest. That is what I hope I can find, I know she is out there, I know there are probably several out there, and I will find one. I want someone fairly like minded to me, I was honest, open, and caring. no matter what the situation, and it WAS indeed a surprise when my STBX decided to tell me she wanted a divorce, dont get mad at us because(men) react the way we do, WE DONT KNOW IF YOU DONT TELL US.
enough caps lock .... lol ... like I said, fairly drunk, a guy on my team turned 40 tonight, so there were a lot of "toasts" and "shots" going around, but its all honest opinion, experience. if you have issues, do not sugar coat them, say whats on your mind, if he gives a $hit, then he ~should~ listen to you, tell him that its the last opportunity to win you back, or love you. I dont know, I feel fairly cheated (hence being cheated on) because of my own similiar reactions to a WEIRD situation, at least I was loyal, and I did not LIE to myself.
i HOPE she found this website and is reading it, because in her mind, she never cheated.......... or at least the last time I spoke to her about infidelity, she should ask herself "AM I DIVORCED YET?" and the answer is NO! and you havent been the entire time you've been with your boyfriend, well, much longer than that, boyfriends dont happen over night.....
ok, I have to stop venting, typing too fast to make sense, so thats a clue its time to stop.
sorry if i have offended anyone, honest opinion right here.
STILL in iraq, STILL fighting, STILL trying to figure out a divorce while deployed, and STILL stuck trying to figure out why she would do this. (even though I shouldnt, not worth the time, some poeple are just worthless)
-thanks... Ty
"We easily see what is done to us,
Before we see what we are doing to our mate!"
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