My husband left

Sylver · 12-19-2008, 09:08 AM

My husband of over 11 years left out of the blue earlier this week. He was unhappy for the three weeks before but i just thought it was because of work related stress and it being close to Christmas none of his family is around. But he says that he can't stay with me anymore. No talking, no nothing. When I ask him why he says he doesn't know and that he has to figure things out. And yet when I ask him if this is temporary he says he doesn't know that either. I dont' work, we agreed we wouldn't until our kids were a little older. Now i have three kids and will have nowhere to live in three weeks. I guess I just don't understand. I try to call him and call him... if I knew where he was I would probably drive by to see if his car is where he says it is. I can't help phoning him. He is my best friend. I thought we could talk about anything and everything. Well, I could at least. I just don't understand why he is willing to give up on us so quickly without seeking any help from counselling or even talking to me about it. Not even say that it is a trial thing. We moved to a different country two years ago and I thought everything was okay even though it was very different to the type of life we had previously. I am a mess.... I can't sleep, can't stomach the idea of eating and all I want to do is call him and then I get angry at him.
I want to hurt him like he is making me hurt. I can't see what will happen and I hate that because I do have these children that i have to take care of and I need to make sure they are okay. My friend says that i have to stop calling him... go cold turkey.... but I don't know if i have the strength without him. I dont' know what to do at all.

I'm lost and angry and sad and scared... i am very very scared. I know i can get through this but I just don't know why it happened or how I can get through it.

Thanks for letting me vent
Sylver

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-19-2008, 04:43 PM

Hi Sylver.

The worse thing is "not knowing" and i think it's a cop out when one partner says "I don't know".. If they didn't know they would stay where they are and try to figure it out, they know...

Okay some will say it's because they don't want to hurt the other person, but at least there is closure, it's the not knowing that is difficult.

I would be angry too.

And, i would be flippen mad because it's Christmas and those 3 little children deserved to have had a Christmas, first...

Some people are plain selfish that's all i have to say.

And, I feel for you in that regard.

Think on those two things alone.

You will get through it because of your kids. You will get through it because of your family and friends.

Maybe the new location wasn't quite what would have worked the best.

But unless he tells you, you'll never know.

Send him a text and say, why?

CW

**happy ending** · 12-19-2008, 04:51 PM

i dont really have any advice, but i sincerely hope he is just having some sort of mental meltdown and will be back home to his family soon, just to put it out there, but could there be someone else involved - like another woman?

Sylver · 12-19-2008, 06:21 PM

He says there isn't anyone else. I still don't know for sure though. In some ways I wish there was and then this would make a bit more sense.
When he came to get the girls this morning I asked him again why. And why couldn't he have talked to me. And then he floored me when he told me that he had been trying to fix things for two years. For two years he has been doing two things: going to work and playing an online game. I told him he would have to stop playing because I was getting fed up with it and nothing happened. So i don't see any effort made on his part. He is not interested in doing any type of counselling or anything so it looks like he is just going to run and throw so many years away.
I felt a little bit better this morning as I started shoving things into a couple of boxes. And the other thing that keeps me a bit happy is knowing that I can file for divorce on his birthday next year. If I am feeling this angry I may as well use it to propel me forward I guess.
I will do it for the girls... and I will succeed and show him that I can live without him and do a great job of it.

Sylver

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-19-2008, 06:37 PM

Have a little view of our Forum Threads regarding on-line games.

In some cases it has been very much an addiction... and has broken up marriages, in other cases, it doesn't stop at the games, once people check out one thing, they often check out other things.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-19-2008, 06:38 PM

Quote:

I will do it for the girls... and I will succeed and show him that I can live without him and do a great job of it.

Sorry, i mean't to add that in... YES YOU WILL...

CW

**happy ending** · 12-20-2008, 03:50 AM

i think you will too - how old are your girls? at least he is still seeing them- i am suspicious of this on line game though. the internet has broken up a few relationships i know. stay strong for your girls and of course your lovely self! LOL to divorcing him on his birthday!

JWB_pof · 12-23-2008, 07:16 AM

hey sylver,
sorry to hear your news. it is sad that people cant be man (or woman) enough when a problem occurs. i mean come on, have a little bit of a heart for someone you once said you loved, yet married. i totally think peoples morals have gotten so bad its actually pittyfull.

most of the times people leave for another person, sorry but its true more than it isnt. people usually do not leave just to be alone. but you have to give the chance that maybe he is right and needs to figure things out. only he knows.
as CW said, its a cop-out for sure.

most of us had been hurt by a story similar to yours. some with more involvement but none the less same story................. got dumped and it doesnt makes sence, no answers. thats the killer, not having the answers, not having the closure.
as the saying goes - what doesnt kill us makes us stronger -, you too will become stronger. it may take awhile, longer than you want it too, but you will survive and stand back up. when you do you will stand stronger/taller then before.
i know you are hurting and you have every right to. but for now, hang tough for the kids and your own sanity. after the holidays, then do just what you said about serving papers on his b-day.
but do not play the kids as pawns out of anger or being spitefull. that is wrong for anyone to do and many do that for revenge. the kids will know what and who is who later in life. so do not become one of those women.
i too got lost in feelings the same you are now. and it isnt a nice thing to feel.

hang in there and you have friends here. all has an opinion wich may be right or great for you. we can help you, let you lean on us, and maybe ease some pain. i know its hard, but try to smile for the kids.

marple1965 · 12-26-2008, 02:13 PM

Hello Sylver.

I was surfing the net trying to find somewhere to discuss my own pain, when I found your post.

My husband of 20 years moved out two days before Christmas to live with someone else he had met. It was not his "plan" to move out at Christmas, but I happened to finally get smart enough to find out.

Looking back there were many signs of the lies but I trusted him so I overlooked the obvious.

We have three children all here with me. Thankfully they are not little (20, 18, & 16) but it has hurt them just the same. None of understand why he has made this decision. He also doesn't seem to know. Just says he insn't happy and that this new person is fun and outgoing.

I have cried through Christmas and just today was able to start making some adjustments to my bank and other accounts. You see I happen to be tje major breadwinner. Money won't be a big hurdle, but the emotional part will.

I am back and forth, crying and not crying, being mad to being understanding. I am all over the emotional spectrum! He picked up all the rest of his things today from the garage without even telling anyone he was here. He just left the house key and garage door opener.

Who does this with not much explanation after 20 years?!! I don't understand but have at least reached a point where I have to go on. Some how I have to find a way.

I asked him if I should go ahead and find an attorney today. He told me no, that he wanted me to wait a while. He wanted to see how things worked out. Can you believe he had the nerve to ask me to wait and see if he gets everything he wants!

I will wait but not for him, but for myself. I need to get to a place where I am more emotionally stable and can truely deal with all the legal stuff.

I, like Sylver, thank you for letting me vent.

Sylver - If you want to talk, I would be happy too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-26-2008, 02:22 PM

Hi Marple, welcome to the Forum.

This is a good place to write, almost like a diary, let your emotions out on paper so to speak, perhaps start a new thread when you feel comfortable.

It is evident that he is being selfish, and a coward.

For, turning up and getting what he wants, knowing your all not there, and for asking you to hold off on the Divorce "in-case he is wrong".

Off course he is wrong. He says she is "out-goinging, fun" every new relationship is that way is it not? Until habbits show, you get to see past a "honeymoon" stage, and all of a sudden it's mundane.

Well, that's not the case if you are both so in-sinc with each other and communicate and can have your own identity as well.

If he doesn't have a good cash flow they won't be able to do things the way that he would want, or she would expect, i suspect.

And, naturally he cheated, thinking he won't get caught.. but did.

I very much feel for you, it's Christmas, New Year where emotions run high anyway, either in good or bad... And, because you found out and that he chose to throw away 20 years, without seeing if the things he "thinks" he has, he could not have gotten from you, from talking it out...

Be strong, don't take him back if it doesn't work with her, he made his bed.

Thanks for sharing with us...

CW

12-19-2008, 09:08 AM	#1
Sylver Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 7	My husband left My husband of over 11 years left out of the blue earlier this week. He was unhappy for the three weeks before but i just thought it was because of work related stress and it being close to Christmas none of his family is around. But he says that he can't stay with me anymore. No talking, no nothing. When I ask him why he says he doesn't know and that he has to figure things out. And yet when I ask him if this is temporary he says he doesn't know that either. I dont' work, we agreed we wouldn't until our kids were a little older. Now i have three kids and will have nowhere to live in three weeks. I guess I just don't understand. I try to call him and call him... if I knew where he was I would probably drive by to see if his car is where he says it is. I can't help phoning him. He is my best friend. I thought we could talk about anything and everything. Well, I could at least. I just don't understand why he is willing to give up on us so quickly without seeking any help from counselling or even talking to me about it. Not even say that it is a trial thing. We moved to a different country two years ago and I thought everything was okay even though it was very different to the type of life we had previously. I am a mess.... I can't sleep, can't stomach the idea of eating and all I want to do is call him and then I get angry at him. I want to hurt him like he is making me hurt. I can't see what will happen and I hate that because I do have these children that i have to take care of and I need to make sure they are okay. My friend says that i have to stop calling him... go cold turkey.... but I don't know if i have the strength without him. I dont' know what to do at all. I'm lost and angry and sad and scared... i am very very scared. I know i can get through this but I just don't know why it happened or how I can get through it. Thanks for letting me vent Sylver

12-19-2008, 04:43 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Head Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 12,620 Blog Entries: 8	Hi Sylver. The worse thing is "not knowing" and i think it's a cop out when one partner says "I don't know".. If they didn't know they would stay where they are and try to figure it out, they know... Okay some will say it's because they don't want to hurt the other person, but at least there is closure, it's the not knowing that is difficult. I would be angry too. And, i would be flippen mad because it's Christmas and those 3 little children deserved to have had a Christmas, first... Some people are plain selfish that's all i have to say. And, I feel for you in that regard. Think on those two things alone. You will get through it because of your kids. You will get through it because of your family and friends. Maybe the new location wasn't quite what would have worked the best. But unless he tells you, you'll never know. Send him a text and say, why? CW __________________ Women are Angels And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick... We are flexible like that .... White Witch. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

12-19-2008, 06:37 PM	#5
CHANDLERS WISH WH Head Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 12,620 Blog Entries: 8	Have a little view of our Forum Threads regarding on-line games. In some cases it has been very much an addiction... and has broken up marriages, in other cases, it doesn't stop at the games, once people check out one thing, they often check out other things. CW __________________ Women are Angels And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick... We are flexible like that .... White Witch. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

12-26-2008, 02:13 PM	#9
marple1965 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5	We are in the same situation Hello Sylver. I was surfing the net trying to find somewhere to discuss my own pain, when I found your post. My husband of 20 years moved out two days before Christmas to live with someone else he had met. It was not his "plan" to move out at Christmas, but I happened to finally get smart enough to find out. Looking back there were many signs of the lies but I trusted him so I overlooked the obvious. We have three children all here with me. Thankfully they are not little (20, 18, & 16) but it has hurt them just the same. None of understand why he has made this decision. He also doesn't seem to know. Just says he insn't happy and that this new person is fun and outgoing. I have cried through Christmas and just today was able to start making some adjustments to my bank and other accounts. You see I happen to be tje major breadwinner. Money won't be a big hurdle, but the emotional part will. I am back and forth, crying and not crying, being mad to being understanding. I am all over the emotional spectrum! He picked up all the rest of his things today from the garage without even telling anyone he was here. He just left the house key and garage door opener. Who does this with not much explanation after 20 years?!! I don't understand but have at least reached a point where I have to go on. Some how I have to find a way. I asked him if I should go ahead and find an attorney today. He told me no, that he wanted me to wait a while. He wanted to see how things worked out. Can you believe he had the nerve to ask me to wait and see if he gets everything he wants! I will wait but not for him, but for myself. I need to get to a place where I am more emotionally stable and can truely deal with all the legal stuff. I, like Sylver, thank you for letting me vent. Sylver - If you want to talk, I would be happy too.

12-26-2008, 02:22 PM	#10
CHANDLERS WISH WH Head Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 12,620 Blog Entries: 8	Hi Marple, welcome to the Forum. This is a good place to write, almost like a diary, let your emotions out on paper so to speak, perhaps start a new thread when you feel comfortable. It is evident that he is being selfish, and a coward. For, turning up and getting what he wants, knowing your all not there, and for asking you to hold off on the Divorce "in-case he is wrong". Off course he is wrong. He says she is "out-goinging, fun" every new relationship is that way is it not? Until habbits show, you get to see past a "honeymoon" stage, and all of a sudden it's mundane. Well, that's not the case if you are both so in-sinc with each other and communicate and can have your own identity as well. If he doesn't have a good cash flow they won't be able to do things the way that he would want, or she would expect, i suspect. And, naturally he cheated, thinking he won't get caught.. but did. I very much feel for you, it's Christmas, New Year where emotions run high anyway, either in good or bad... And, because you found out and that he chose to throw away 20 years, without seeing if the things he "thinks" he has, he could not have gotten from you, from talking it out... Be strong, don't take him back if it doesn't work with her, he made his bed. Thanks for sharing with us... CW __________________ Women are Angels And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick... We are flexible like that .... White Witch. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

12-19-2008, 04:51 PM	#3
happy ending Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 908	i dont really have any advice, but i sincerely hope he is just having some sort of mental meltdown and will be back home to his family soon, just to put it out there, but could there be someone else involved - like another woman?

12-19-2008, 06:21 PM	#4
Sylver Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 7	He says there isn't anyone else. I still don't know for sure though. In some ways I wish there was and then this would make a bit more sense. When he came to get the girls this morning I asked him again why. And why couldn't he have talked to me. And then he floored me when he told me that he had been trying to fix things for two years. For two years he has been doing two things: going to work and playing an online game. I told him he would have to stop playing because I was getting fed up with it and nothing happened. So i don't see any effort made on his part. He is not interested in doing any type of counselling or anything so it looks like he is just going to run and throw so many years away. I felt a little bit better this morning as I started shoving things into a couple of boxes. And the other thing that keeps me a bit happy is knowing that I can file for divorce on his birthday next year. If I am feeling this angry I may as well use it to propel me forward I guess. I will do it for the girls... and I will succeed and show him that I can live without him and do a great job of it. Sylver

12-20-2008, 03:50 AM	#7
happy ending Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 908	i think you will too - how old are your girls? at least he is still seeing them- i am suspicious of this on line game though. the internet has broken up a few relationships i know. stay strong for your girls and of course your lovely self! LOL to divorcing him on his birthday!

12-23-2008, 07:16 AM	#8
JWB_pof Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 930 Blog Entries: 1	hey sylver, sorry to hear your news. it is sad that people cant be man (or woman) enough when a problem occurs. i mean come on, have a little bit of a heart for someone you once said you loved, yet married. i totally think peoples morals have gotten so bad its actually pittyfull. most of the times people leave for another person, sorry but its true more than it isnt. people usually do not leave just to be alone. but you have to give the chance that maybe he is right and needs to figure things out. only he knows. as CW said, its a cop-out for sure. most of us had been hurt by a story similar to yours. some with more involvement but none the less same story................. got dumped and it doesnt makes sence, no answers. thats the killer, not having the answers, not having the closure. as the saying goes - what doesnt kill us makes us stronger -, you too will become stronger. it may take awhile, longer than you want it too, but you will survive and stand back up. when you do you will stand stronger/taller then before. i know you are hurting and you have every right to. but for now, hang tough for the kids and your own sanity. after the holidays, then do just what you said about serving papers on his b-day. but do not play the kids as pawns out of anger or being spitefull. that is wrong for anyone to do and many do that for revenge. the kids will know what and who is who later in life. so do not become one of those women. i too got lost in feelings the same you are now. and it isnt a nice thing to feel. hang in there and you have friends here. all has an opinion wich may be right or great for you. we can help you, let you lean on us, and maybe ease some pain. i know its hard, but try to smile for the kids.

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