In love with a much older guy !

**Carolanne** · 12-24-2008 06:56 PM

I met this man when i was 21,and he was 41,three years ago.I dont mind about the 20 year age gap.We met in a club we both go on,i used to go in more regular than i do now.I met him at a time when i didnt have much confidence,since then,my confidence has grown,and i feel he is a big part of the reason why my confidence grew.He has always winked at me alot,i havent seen him do it to any other women,and he kind to me,like sometimes,he waits with me at the end of the night to make sure i get home ok,if i am on my own,although sometimes he doesnt,and he said he thinks the world of me and i am the best thing that ever happened to him,but he also likes doing his own thing alot,and has kind of made it sound like he doesnt want a relationship.I dont want a serious relationship either,such as living together or getting married,or even dating too heavily,but i do wish i could see him more than i do.I used to see him once a week,during the years i was 21 and 22,but for the last two years,i have only gone in every few weeks or every few months.This is usually either because sometimes i dont have anyone to go there with,i dont really have many friends,and dont know enough of my family well to go in there with them,some of my family go in there though,or it has been because i have got upset sometimes by how casual things are with me and him.He has said before that he has missed me when i havent been in.I have slept at his house afew times too,although we havent had full sex,only " fooled around ",if you know what i mean.I havent had full sex before,ever,he knows that and seems ok with it.I even told him i felt funny coz he is so experienced and i'm not,and he told me not to be ashamed because i havent done everything.

I might add more detail to this about specific nights i have seen him.It might sound morbid,but also,i worry about anything happening to either of us,anything serious,and the other person would regret that we didnt see the other more regularly.I have lost a couple of people in my family at young ages,which i still get upset about,and i think this is partly what makes me think this way,and i think life is too short to just see someone on a casual basis.If he would just let me meet up with him more often,i would see him more.Most of the time,i have only seen him because i have been out with my family,and the family members i go in with,there are only a couple of them,dont really go in there as much now either.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-24-2008 08:45 PM

I think, that you "think" you are in love because it's been 3 years, you were young and this man, always made you feel like a "princess", caring about you, sharing, and not trying to get you to do something you didn't want to do, rather not doing it.

I commend him.

People come into our lives for a reason.. If it was mean't to be it would have happened, you two would be dating properly long ago.

He has given you confidence, made you understand that you don't have to give up what's yours, for a guy and that there are still gentlemen in this world.

Keep those thoughts in knowing and use them in life.

It's time to get out there and see who is out there for you, this person will always remain in your heart.

CW

**WildChild** · 12-26-2008 10:27 PM

Three years? You haven't done anything but fooled around? He's old enough to be your father. Sounds like you only see him if you go to this club. Doens't sound like he has much of a life - spends his free evenings in the club. This isn't going anywhere, ever. Find someplace else to go, meet some people your age and move on.

**N01** · 12-27-2008 04:46 AM

have you told him "i do wish i could see him more than i do." ?

and will you really be ok with just that?

maybe you need to ask yourself, and answer honestly, where you see this going if anywhere and would you be happy with it.

**Carolanne** · 12-27-2008 09:26 AM

Just to add,i have been out with afew other people during that time,but only short term,so it isnt like i have been waiting around for him all the time,but every time i see him,i still like him.I look at him alot when he comes into the room,and cant help going over to talk to him,although he comes over to speak to me aswell.

I know he goes on holiday afew times a year,and he ahs hobbies,so he does have a life apart from going in the club.It seems as if he is the kind of person who likes doing his own thing alot,he even told me that no one can stop him from doing that as that is what he likes to do.Not that i would want to stop him from doing things he enjoys anyway.

When i say fooled around,it's just because i dont want to type what we have actually done.What i meant was,we havent had full sex,only done parts of it,as that is all i have ever done before,i'm not comfortable with going all the way yet.I know some people might think that a guy old enough to be my father is the wrong person to be with,since he has had way more experience,but besides that,he has treated me well at times.I dont mind about the age gap,my parents have a big age gap aswell,almost the same gap as me and this man have.Not that i'm copying what they did,it's just a coincidence that i like him.

I think Chandler's Wish has a good point.He came into my life at a time when i didnt have much confidence,and he helped to build it,and this is probably why i care about him so much.He has a good sense of humour too.It is awkward really with us both being fond of each other,but him not wanting a serious relationship.He has even introduced me to his parents though.Sometimes it just seems like he doesnt know what he wants.As far as i know,he's never had a serious relationship,he had alot of flings in his younger days,which i dont necessarily think of as a bad thing,as there can be afew reasons for it.Even i havent been in a serious relationship myself yet.

**Carolanne** · 12-27-2008 09:29 AM

sorry,not sure if i can edit my post.I forgot to add that he is also a friend of the family.Some of my family,who are around his age,and older,have known him for years.I told someone else about this,and they came up with the sugggestion that we might have our feelings mixed up,like maybe he only likes me because i am a member of a family he is friends of,and he is confusing those feelings with romantic ones,and maybe i like him for the same reason,or because of the reasons i mentioned in my first post here.I think he would know whether he liked me in a romantic/sexual way though.

**WildChild** · 12-27-2008 11:01 AM

Let me tell you - dealt with it twice now (one I married) men who have spent years alone are probably not good long term relationship material. They don't know how to share space, time, or themselves. Their attitude, as your freind told you is, "no one can stop him from doing that as that is what he likes to do", you wanting to do something he hasn't done before or hasn't considered will likely be considered trying to change or control him, rather than you just wanting to have some fun or do something together. If you do get into a relationship, he will be calling the shots. He'll see you when he wants and not when you want or need, the same thing will happen with sex- it will always be his call. It won't be give and take or mutual, it will be at his initiation or he will be acting under sufferance and will let you know it. It's not much fun really. It won't do your self esteem much good long term either.

Liking because he is a freind of the family is one thing. Playing sexual games with you is another. There is a world of difference between someone who hasn't had a serious relationship yet at 24 and someone in their mid 40s who hasn't. Learn from your elders, here, move on, find someone closer to your age who wants what you want.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-27-2008 01:28 PM

Think that they call them "Batchelors", you know, they live for themselves. Can't fathom sharing their "time" other as WC said, a little when they want to and because and only because they want to...

Problem with what I stated, is that he may gain you more confidence if you take this in a "different" way, and start to see him mentally on a more romantic level, but knowing what you know about " his non relationship stance". And, as such, you may do more than bj's etc... and, then feel devistated when he states "told you" i don't want anything serious.

Self centred guys will always be loners.

CW

**Carolanne** · 12-27-2008 03:08 PM

It is difficult really since i like him alot and i'm not sure what he thinks of me.From the sounds of things,from what i read here,he doesnt really care about me.

But yet,i have been the same way before with someone else,not wanting to see them that much,and it wasnt because i didnt care about them,i did but just didnt want to get too serious.I dont think there is anything wrong with that.With me still being quite young,i'm not in any rush.The only problem i would have,is if this guy was seeing other women aswell.

He did say once that he was surprised because i thought so highly of him,as if no one had ever liked him that much before.I could be wrong,but maybe not many people have found him attractive,or maybe he lacked confidence in his younger days,and that's why he only had flings.Or,perhaps he was just a jerk.Since i didnt know him when he was young,it's hard to say.He has said before that he wasnt a saint when he was younger,but he has calmed alot now.

**Carolanne** · 12-30-2008 05:40 PM

I was thinking of going to the club we usually go in tomorrow for new years eve,i at least wanted to be there to see him while it's a special night,but i dont know if i can go anyway as i'm not sure if any of my family are going there,and i dont have any friends to go with.And i dont know if i should go on my own as i dont usually go out on my own.