Girlfriend Communicates with guys she's had sex with!

**Elysium** · 01-24-2009 01:03 PM

Basically, she came from relationships where the last two guys cheated on her and a third apparently lied alot.

She moved to my state for an internship and now has a job at a local hospital. After a couple months of being exclusive I noticed that she was staying in communication with around 5 ex boyfriends/guys she's had sexual experiences with.

This probably was the wrong decision but I told her right then and there that she needed to text them all and tell them she wouldn't be talking to them anymore. And she did it.....but I could tell she didn't want to. I'm sure coming from a place of control wasn't a good thing but.....I had never dealt with this before.
For the record, I had dropped every girl I was dating at the time (4) and ended all communication with them after we had been dating for three weeks and had the "exclusive" talk, I let her know this at that time.

Anyways.....now 8 months into the relationship she has agreed that it was unhealthy for her to be doing that. She still however feels like it should be okay for her to talk to a couple guys.

One of the guys she says she was great friends with for years and that one night when they we're drinking he stuck it in her but it was only for a minute and then they both decided they we're being retarted and never did anything like that again. Should I care if she talks to him? She says he's been the one who she always talked to about her relationships when times we're bad and he was there for her. However, from a guys perspective, I've never met a guy who puts any considerable amount of time and energy into a woman unless he wants to be more than friends....unless he is gay. The "tip-in" thing happened a couple years ago... but I do know that she sent him along with a few other guys nudy photos by phone once last februrary a couple months before i met her. So in my mind.......there must be something there...even a little something?

The other guy she never kissed/touched however she did admit to texting him nudy pictures last februrary.

My questions girls, am I mistaken for feeling like my girl is going to have guy friends they should be guys that nothing physical has ever happened and no nudy pictures ever sent?
I feel like that's a fair boundary. I would like it if she had some guys to talk to because her dad's communication is horrible and she doesn't have a relationship with her brother. She really doesn't have any men to talk to. I on the other hand have three sisters, two older. I talk to them weekly about my "girl" problems". They give me perspective because all my guy friends always agree with me...which doesn't always help.

Thanks ladies.

Cheers

**Little** · 01-24-2009 01:23 PM

What's the difference between a man who she's had relations with and a man she hasn't if, like you say, you've "never met a guy who puts any considerable amount of time and energy into a woman unless he wants to be more than friends?" What separates them, really?
I would find that a very unfair boundary. If you trust your girlfriend (as trust is implicit in a relationship) you ought to be comfortable with her speaking with whomever she pleases. Guilting her for actions taken outside of and previous to the relationship is not only unfair, but VERY controlling behavior. She's shown an attempt to please you and meet your demands when she cut off communication with her other friends.
Reverse the genders on this. If a woman did it, she'd be an awful nag.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-24-2009 01:35 PM

It is possible that what bothers you the most, is that they have seen her naked, so to speak...

If she was to be in an "exclusive" relationship and have "male" friends as well as female friends, and she has "respected" your wishes previously, by "dropping" her friends, would it be fair to say that she would "respect" that she is in a relationship now? Therefore, not send anymore nude photos? Rather only talk and communicate and discuss and flirt around but with no intentions?

As, Little said, "trust" is the key to a relationship.. Control eventually, makes a person bolt.

CW

**Elysium** · 01-24-2009 03:37 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I had a hunch you might say that. My sisters said the same thing. I wanted to add though that she did say that she "knows" that four of the guys want her still and one of them, her ex, told her last spring he wanted to move down there and married her (he cheated) which she laughed at because apparently she use to fall for that.

The two guys mr. tip in and nudy photo guy she says she knows they both want to be in a relationship with her.

Maybe a better way to define my boundary is that I feel like she shouldn't be talking to guys that she "knows" want to be in a relationship with her. I asked her a few times if she would be okay with me talking to girls I "know" want to be in a relationship with me and she said that it would bug her alot.

I had this conversation with one of my sisters and she said that she still talks to her boyfriend from 10 years ago (she married with kids) and openly discusses with him (even in front of her husband) that she had the "best" sex with him. They talk regularly and she says she feels like she is in her "integrity" when speaking to him because she knows she wouldn't act on anything even though her current sexual relationship is all but non existent.

She also told me she wants a divorce but hasn't done it because of her kids and her hubby is a doctor (money). Recently she went to another state and actually saw the guy that she had "great" sex with and went skiing with him...she did tell her husband.... but I can't see how this is good for her relationship with her husband. She told me she talked to the great sex guy about kissing each other but didn't do it. She also shouldn't be saying she had great sex with some other guy when her husband can hear. I have a hard time believing her true intentions as well as my girlfriends. I don't think you should be talking to someone you think about sexually. I don't do it. Guess I'm weird. My last GF felt the same way about things.

I guess I'm just built different. When I commit to a woman....I don't look at porn, other girls....don't really flirt.... i even think about her when i take care of myself and I have many women attracted to me.....but I can't even see them when I commit to someone.

Anyways, the way I see it......why even take a chance at hurting your partner's feelings? Why not just make it easy? I know I could get a ego boost from talking to woman whom I know want me but since I already know that I will get that why do I need to do it?

Bottom line is that I don't trust her......and that's probably the real problem. She did check my cell phone every other day the first few months we we're dating....among other similiar things.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-24-2009 04:27 PM

Bottom line is that I don't trust her......and that's probably the real problem. She did check my cell phone every other day the first few months we we're dating....among other similiar things.

Personally?

I have a lot of male friends but they know their boundries and yes some like me I am not stupid.

Since getting into a relationship, some went to the way side, other's I still talk to but if they cross the line, like one guy who insists on MSN to have his photo as him naked, haha, I just say go put some clothes on and talk to me when you have... and I don't reply...

It's called " people have to respect when you are in a relationship" and not treat you as if you are single.

If they don't then you don't communicate with them simple as they have no respect.

If they make a joke that you find "not right" because you are in a relationship and it is forward then you tick them off in a nice way, if they respond to that fine, if they don't same thing, out of respect for your other half, you cut ties.

It sounds like she likes male attention.

It would bother me in that regard in the fashion of which you have now put it, because you are not really saying "male friends" which you first posed, rather guys trying to get into her pants and have done so and won't stop until they do, so they are not really " male friends".. She needs to see this.

Your sister is soooo wrong..... To stay with a guy because he has money and treat him like dirt, by flaunting this other guys sexuality in his face and being with him "claiming not to cheat" is an aweful thing to do...

I can see why you are having problems here, because you are seeing it from all sides.

Your girlfriend needs to understand "respect your partner" and only communicate with males if they are "friends" only not friends who want benefits, I think anyway.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-24-2009 11:41 PM

Just my $.02
I would have absolutely not objections if my wife talked, texted, visited with men she had slept with before. I don't know who she might or might not have slept with before we were married, and I don't care (other than a slight curiosity, but not enough to ask).

As far as I'm concerned if she wants someone else, she is welcome to go. I want her to stay with me because she loves me, wants me and prefers me to anyone else, not because she is somehow prevented from interacting with other men.

I should point out thought that I simply don't have jealousy, it just doesn't exist in my makeup.

**WildChild** · 01-25-2009 12:08 AM

Either you trust each other or you don't. If you don't, you have no basis for a relationship. Her checking on you at the beginning was wrong. The doubt you are experiencing shows there is something wrong. It may be my age but in my book sharing nude pics is enticement, teasing. Rcoryus is right though, either she will stay because she wants you and prefers you or she will go.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-25-2009 12:49 AM

Yes but, I also don't hold a jealous bone in my body.

But, I would not be happy if my boyfriend sent his nakedness to his female friends whilst going out with me, or would I?

Actually, i would probably laugh, now that I've actually written that.

But, isn't there a fine line?

Like "respect" ?

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-25-2009 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

(snip)

Actually, i would probably laugh, now that I've actually written that.
(snip)
CW

I think that is my reaction as well. Somehow I just couldn't take it seriously.

**ChristinaAnn2008** · 01-26-2009 01:01 PM

It seems like something is there between her and the guys she sending the pictures to... its just disprespectful towards you... thats yours and hers to look at only... yet she is sharing it with the world... you really want other guys to fantasize over her pictures?? I consider sending nude pics cheating.. so.. its best to leave...

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