Need help w/ friend!

**vintage_butterfly** · 01-27-2009 11:02 PM

I am semi-new to the forum and have written once about my best friend before. I'm having a difficult time with her lately. Our relationship has been a bit strained because she's lately been having difficulty with her husband and it makes it harder for me to want to go see her.

Well, tonight she seems almost angry with me. I've had a rough month and not been able to see her. I've been trying to a) stay out of the middle of the fights she's had with her husband, b) dealing with problems of my own and c) spending time with my boyfriend as he prepares to join the military. (This'll mean soon he'll be going away for 14 weeks. )

So I log into yahoo and there's a message which comes off slightly wrong. Asking me where I have been. I respond to the message with “I was at the urgent care due to an allergic reaction.” Her response “it's always something with you isn't it?” I was like WHOA? Wait a minute. Who is the person who in the end has always been there for you? ME! I've never not been there when she's needed me.

She also makes me angry as she's complaining about being fat. She's no where near as fat as me, but instead she's gorgeous. She's many sizes smaller than me. She's had three children and looks grand after wards. I do my best to tell her how gorgeous is, but she ignores that saying I am biased. I love her as my friend, but sometimes I am wondering if our relationship means as much to her.

I had a rather rough January and she seems not understanding that. At this point in February she expects me to spend 3 days at her house (including Valentine's day) watching her children. I have to work one of those days and go to class on another. I am the ONLY person apparently available to babysit her children because her Aunt can only watch them for a few hours. I'm like WTF? I really don't want to watch her children for three days straight, but I also want to be a good friend. I am wondering if maybe I can bring someone with me because to watch 3 children alone can be difficult. Her kids are often difficult and not as disciplined as I would prefer.

I feel that she doesn't really care about me. I mean she showed little concern – didn't even ask me if I was okay when I told her I had a severe allergic reaction to a medication I had taken. (I mean if untreated it would've gotten worse and worse and I am still not quite out of the woods yet as they say – the reaction always has a chance of rebounding. ) I am wondering if I am just someone she can whine too when her marriage is going bad, someone to watch her children (also be their emergency contact if something happens to one of them and neither parent is reachable), someone to hang out with on the weekends, and finally someone who is just there. I am starting to feel a bit used and annoyed. I love her and her children, but dang it I have a life.

Another thing is I can't trust her Aunt Anne to watch the children because she can't even rely on them to do things. I can't be there Monday getting ready to go to class and get told that the baby sitter can't watch them. I absolutely can not miss class and children aren't allowed at the college.

I feel locked between a rock and a hard place. I want to help her, but I am concerned about my own life. Am I being self fish in this? I am frustrated at this moment. I am also on high powered medication for allergic reactions so I apologize if somewhere this doesn't make sense. Anyone have advice? What would you do?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-28-2009 12:40 AM

She sounds like she is taking advantage of your kindess. You sound like you are a considerate and caring friend. When you explained your allergic reaction the first thing a good friend would do is ask if you are okay, not 'its always something with you'. That sounds very selfish as she was only concerned with you not be there for her.

Friendship is a give and take and you really have to step back and evaluate how much you give and how much you are getting in return. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but if you are comforting her, helping her and she is only happy when you can do things for her that is not the kind of friendship that is doing you any good.

Sounds like you have been friends for a long time and she has probably grown use to calling on you when it suits her needs. I am not saying you shouldn't keep her as a friend, but you should not let her needs interfere with your life in a negetive way (missing school etc) as a good friend wouldn't want to put you in a position that is going to have an adverse effect on things you are trying to accomplish.

Her Valentine getaway is no more important than your education and if she can't understand that right away. She will eventually. Sometimes some people are so use to using people (even people they care about) they don't even think that is what they are doing.

**vintage_butterfly** · 01-28-2009 03:55 AM

I have literally known her since I was 6 years old. We used to have sleep overs at each others house and play together as children. We had a separation period when I was forced at 15 to change schools and went into a severe depression. The separation lasted until I want to say roughly 2007.

I just wish she'd understand I have a life and living 20+ miles makes it more difficult for both of us to come to one another. Usually I go to her because my house has too many other people including my 60 year old father who prefers quiet. (He's got medical difficulties as well, but doesn't mind my friends being over. Out of respect though I try to let him have his peace as I tend to be a giggler.) She also though never offers to come half way and meet somewhere. She always wants me to come straight to her because she has the children. I have no children (hasn't happened for me yet) therefore, my life in her eyes seems to be less restricted, but I have my own personal obligations. That includes caring for my father when he is ill. (A major reason I still live with him -- he ends up in the hospital for SOMETHING about every 2-4 months.)

I love her as a girlfriend and know she cares about me, but I don't think she thought how that came out when she typed it. She realized it about the time I apologized and said it wasn't quite something I could control. Than she sort of apologized saying she didn't mean it to come out that way. It still came out all wrong and makes me angry. I seriously am lucky it's not worse than it is. It could have very easily gotten me stuck in the hospital. It wasn't far from doing so except thank heavens my airway never closed up. Just makes me angry... I told my boyfriend and he was more sympathetic than my best friend. . .

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-28-2009 03:45 PM

We are who we are, our make-up is just that and it's difficult to change.

True friends accept each other for who, what they are in every aspect, in understanding of the first sentence.

True friends, also accept the words " I can't", or "your being selfish because...." or "hun, sorry but between college and Dad, 3 days is too hard and Valentines Day, well I off course need to spend that with my boyfriend, but how about i cover one day for you"... and accept...

She she is what she is, you know her that way but it seems that you don't stand firm, rather "squirm" around the issues.. If you can't be bold and state your reasons why you can't do something, then the anger manifests. If she can't accept that you off course are going to spend Valentines Day with your boyfriend, and then there's college that you can't miss then she is too self-absorbed and isn't unfortunately a "real friend" rather, a person you grew up with that is self-absorbed and takes, takes, but never gives, in which case, as hard as it is, you have to start backing off, because she will not be there for you when you need her..

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-28-2009 05:28 PM

Reading this makes me think of a woman I work with that has an email signature reading "No act of kindness goes unnoticed". Ironic. This particular person, thinks she's a great person.......but she's difficult to work with, difficult to get along with, and it's like pulling teeth to get her to do anything anyone ELSE needs her to do. Sort of fitting in your situation, because it seems as though this friend of yours places herself upon a pedestal (hence the selfishness) and though she judges you for "not being there" when she needs you, she places no judgement upon herself for her selfishness.

Some people are self absorbed because they lack the ability to empathize with others. Because they can't put themselves in your shoes, they really only focus on themselves. You have every right to be aggravated, but don't let this person negatively affect your life. A true friend will understand and will practice some giving instead of take take take. The problem with her is that she's so focused on her own life and her own person that she won't likely look beyond that deep enough to realize what a blessing you truly are to her.

Relax, take a deep breath, and tell her how you feel. You've been able to vent (here) and it's good to get that out of your system. Now, it's time to stand up for yourself. You seem to be a delightful person, and you certainly don't need friends like that. No relationship survives when give and take is so disproportionate. Go to your classes, be with your boyfriend....do what YOU have to do.

**vintage_butterfly** · 01-28-2009 07:40 PM

There have been rare times that she's been there when I needed someone, but lately I have noticed she's seemingly more I don't know. Just not there. She doesn't seem happy when I just can't go out somewhere. It's not my fault that I can't -- I have to work to live or need this time to be with my boyfriend. I've never placed her second to him, but maybe lately I have been? Our relationship is so new, I want to see where it'll go before he leaves me for many weeks. (During that time I hope she'll be back to her old self.)

Anyways I have agreed to watch her children from Valentine's Day to the 17th (if you see babysitter goes nuts in New York on three children you know it's me -- kidding.) Her kids are usually pretty good, but the baby is aggressive sometimes. She just doesn't see how this upturns my life though. She whines how she has no one else (her family isn't the most reliable), but I don't think she understands why her friends have moved on exactly. I have the feeling it's the same reason why I am beginning to push away and reevaluate the situation.

I love my friend in the end, but I just don't think it's mutual anymore. I think as long as I will be there to do what she needs me to do she'll remain my friend. When I stop being there as much I am not as worth it. She called me today not to see how I was doing, but instead asking why I hadn't called her yet! I responded because the benadryl and medications I was given for the reaction were making me sleep. She thought I was being defensive -- stating she wasn't being rude or anything than the "Oh didn't you get non-drowsy type?" I didn't find that kind in the store yesterday and merely grabbed what was available while getting my prescription from the pharmacy. Plus sleep isn't all that bad of a thing either. She didn't even ask really if I was doing any better, but instead asked me when I was going to watch HER children. What the heck? Does "I had a severe allergic reaction yesterday" mean nothing to her? Seriously come on. I wonder how badly it would've ruined her plans had the reaction been much worse. I'm actually now coming to the realization I am angry with her. There was no compassion to her. . . I just am so..disgusted.

**vintage_butterfly** · 01-28-2009 07:41 PM

There have been rare times that she's been there when I needed someone, but lately I have noticed she's seemingly more I don't know. Just not there. She doesn't seem happy when I just can't go out somewhere. It's not my fault that I can't -- I have to work to live or need this time to be with my boyfriend. I've never placed her second to him, but maybe lately I have been? Our relationship is so new, I want to see where it'll go before he leaves me for many weeks. (During that time I hope she'll be back to her old self.)

Anyways I have agreed to watch her children from Valentine's Day to the 17th (if you see babysitter goes nuts in New York on three children you know it's me -- kidding.) Her kids are usually pretty good, but the baby is aggressive sometimes. She just doesn't see how this upturns my life though. She whines how she has no one else (her family isn't the most reliable), but I don't think she understands why her friends have moved on exactly. I have the feeling it's the same reason why I am beginning to push away and reevaluate the situation.

I love my friend in the end, but I just don't think it's mutual anymore. I think as long as I will be there to do what she needs me to do she'll remain my friend. When I stop being there as much I am not as worth it. She called me today not to see how I was doing, but instead asking why I hadn't called her yet! I responded because the benadryl and medications I was given for the reaction were making me sleep. She thought I was being defensive -- stating she wasn't being rude or anything than the "Oh didn't you get non-drowsy type?" I didn't find that kind in the store yesterday and merely grabbed what was available while getting my prescription from the pharmacy. Plus sleep isn't all that bad of a thing either. She didn't even ask really if I was doing any better, but instead asked me when I was going to watch HER children. What the heck? Does "I had a severe allergic reaction yesterday" mean nothing to her? Seriously come on. I wonder how badly it would've ruined her plans had the reaction been much worse. I'm actually now coming to the realization I am angry with her. There was no compassion to her. . . I just am so..disgusted.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-28-2009 07:46 PM

Pulling back a bit, standing firm in what you need, will do one of two things. 1. You'll see that the relationship was one sided or 2. She'll miss you and realize you're pulling away from her, and make an effort.

Either way, you win in the end because if 1 is the case, you certainly don't need to spend your time and efforts on someone like that, and if 2. then perhaps she'll learn her lesson.

Sounds like you give in to her too easily, and that's why she continues to do it. Allow yourself to be walked on, then, you'll most certainly be walked on. Love her all you want, but don't let her walk all over you anymore.

Best of luck on V-day. And I certainly hope you get to feeling better. I'm sure being sick hasn't made this stuff with her any easier to deal with.

**In-Need** · 01-28-2009 07:58 PM

I'm a little curious, why did you agree to watch them for the whole 3 days, is she going away on a trip?

**vintage_butterfly** · 01-29-2009 06:46 AM

Supposedly she and her husband rented a cabin for the weekend/weekday. She's trying to again save her marriage. (They went to Florida in August of last year as a one year and their honeymoon to also save their marriage. ) At least every few months they need to do something seemingly to keep their marriage together.

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