Long thread for needed advice once more on friend and in general...

[vintage_butterfly]

I have posted here before and am so grateful for the advice I have been given before. Right now I need to vent and maybe some advice. I'm so beyond frustrated and just don't know what to do next. I've come to the conclusion though that I need to start being more firm and say no. I just can't do everything that people want me to do.

My friend left for her little vacation Saturday afternoon (this is explained in another posting) and I have been with her 3 children since than. Arrangements had originally been the children on Monday evening would be going to a friend's house overnight and returned Tuesday. Apparently for 2 of 3 this did not work out. This left me forced to have to drop the children off with a relative (who due to medical illness can only watch them for so long) to go to class. Than stick around after class and talk with the professor just so I wouldn't have to immediately go get them. (Also wanted to ask him a couple of questions as well. I had homework to do and it has been very difficult to do it around the three of them. She left me with a 100 dollars for the kids to do an activity. Well, my dad and sister have been a wonderful help and contributed some money to this weekend. My friend seemed almost angry when I said I had spent 42 dollars for bowling and that included my dad and sister. She didn't understand he'd paid for them to get dinner at a nice restaurant and at Friendly's the night before! Oh, but the fact I used $14 for them is awful, horrible!

On top of that she called the first night 3 times while we were out consecutively -- that doesn't include the call to my cell phone. The messages were "I am getting worried, someone pick up the phone!" Why are you worried? We're out having a good time. Call once and wait for a response. Had something been wrong, I would've called her IMMEDIATELY! The next day she called a couple of times and than just before we left called. I told her we were just leaving for bowling and would be back later in the evening. That night, I still returned home to 2 messages. She didn't call my cell, though she knew we were out. So I returned her call and told her the children are just fine and were in bed.

I'm actually angry she left me to do all this. I am not used to this and because I don't want this kind of responsibility take measures to ensure it doesn't happen. I love her kids, honest I do, but this was wrong on some many levels for her to ask me to do. My dad says she's using me and he's right. She knows I couldn't easily say 'no' without feeling guilty. I'm generous towards my friends and try to give my all, but this time my all is too much. I was so excited for a break last night away from "Nicole, he pushed me. " or "Kassie won't leave me alone." I also had issues with the oldest having so often been allowed to play 'mom' trying to do everything for me. I wanted her to just be a kid, but she's so used to caring in a sense in some regards for her siblings.

I have been low on work this entire past month, but there's been nothing I could do about it. Money's been tight for me, so I have been having trouble lately. Now this morning if I wasn't stuck here babysitting I could go work for 5 hours and make 50 dollars instead of sitting here making NO MONEY!... She's not even paying me anything to do this. I'm loosing out in this since. I have no one to give the kids too and have to wait here until the oldest is dropped off by her friend's mother.

I'm actually angry with my friend. I don't think I could be anymore angry that she could ask me to put my life on hold like this. I'd rather be spending this time working or with my boyfriend. On top of that the next couple weeks are going to be exceedingly hard on me. If everything goes as planned March 3, my boyfriend leaves for 17-22 weeks for basic and other training for the U.S. Army. I'm proud and supportive of him, but am nervous too. I wish we had more time together. As of today there's only two weeks remaining until he leaves. He wants it to be now, but I am glad there's still 2 weeks until he goes. We only met in October, but I am very sure that I love him and want to be with him. He makes me happy in ways no other man has. (Both sexually and emotionally.)

I had to rearrange my Valentine's Day plans with him. He doesn't have much money right now, as he's been not working since he lost his job, but that isn't a big deal to me. (Another reason he wants to leave sooner rather than later because he HATES not working.) We went out Friday night and had a wonderful dinner together. I gave him a card and his favorite chocolate covered nuts. He gave me (and I honestly laughed about this) a box of a couple of already eaten chocolates that I couldn't eat any because of my inability to have lots of sugar! I was amused over the fact he'd broken into them already. I really was just happy to be with him. I let him keep the chocolates too because I couldn't eat them. I'm going to badly miss him, but am a mighty Leo and will make do.

I may very well tonight tell my friend this was too much, but how do I put it? I don't want to be rude, but thinking back I honestly feel I have done more for her than she realizes or appreciates. She's great to hang with, but I have watched her kids with no compensation for my time so many times it's not funny. (This includes a time she said she'd be back no later than 9 and around 11-12 o'clock got home. I'd gotten them all into bed and they were sleeping. Also one time I got them to clean their entire bedroom.)

The kids love me and I love them so I don't want to sever the relationship. They've lost friends because of people no longer being friends with her. People that they liked and cared about. I've become their friend and almost am like an aunt to them. I buy them Christmas, birthday and just because presents. I have a life and my life doesn't include children -- but my friend doesn't get that. I choose not to get pregnant and have any so far because I don't want to do THIS! I don't want to constantly be responsible for someone other than myself. (Am I self fish?)

I apologize this is so long, but I really needed to vent and rant a bit. As well as there are questions posed. Do I tell my friend I need some time to myself? Do I tell her to back off? Do I honestly tell her I don't want to baby sit anymore? (Maybe once in a blue moon for a few hours, but never again for days at a time.) How do you tell someone you feel they've used you in some fashion? My dad put it best: a relative should be watching the children or they should've stayed home. He called it exploitation, but that might be a bit harsh. He is a bit angry because he understands my frustration. I have school work I should be working on because I am also trying to finish my associates degree! (Go me.)

How do I become empowered to say no? Also how do I deal with my boyfriend being gone anywhere from 17-22 weeks? I'll need a friend, but is she worth keeping around just for that? I mean is this a friendship I should terminate? We've been 'best' friends for a couple of years and I love her in that manner of speaking. I've also known her and her family since I was about 6 years old... GAH, I wish this were easier.

[WildChild]

You are giving too much. You need to ask yourself why? Time to make more friends, this on is using you. She may not realize it but she is. Shw left money to spend on the kids, you don't have to account for it. Start by making your life your priority. You don't have to explain anything, a simple, "I'm busy" or "I can't do it" is all you have to provide. Even if you are simply sitting and watching a favorite show or reading a book.

Don't appologize - I bet you do a lot of that. Just meet your needs first. Only agree to watch her kids if that is what you truly want to do and if you do tell her I have plans I Have to leave by X time, if you are late, which neighbor can take the kids? You don't need to set an expectation for gifts several times a year or a gift for each chiild - a family gift might be better for Xmass.

Telling her when she returns may not be the best thing. Her traveling and your frustration may bring differnent results than you want. Why not wait a few days, call her for coffee and talk then if you feel you must. It might be easier to just become less available, this may mean really backing off for awhile to break her of the habit of depending on you so much, then in 5 or 6 months you could gradually let her in more without being used so much.

While your bf is gone, keep busy, you have school and work to deal with - focus on those. This first absence is just one of many you will have with him in the service. You have to build a like that fills you without him - let him be dessert rather than the main course. Be ready to enjoy time with him to he fullest but havea full life when he is away.