Thread: Give and get nothing....

I wish you all the best Tasha and hope your conversation goes well. I understand your comfort zone situation and 3 years is a long time, BUT.. read some of these posts, with women that have been married for years to men that don't listen, don't care - read into their pain and misery and ask yourself if that is what you want to be? Someone coming on here saying I just spent the last 20 years of my life with someone that refuses to comfort me, but leaving him was too uncomfortable? Do you know what I mean. I don't advocate leaving if you can work it out, get him to understand that you need him to support you.

But if he refuses to be a support system for you, even if he thinks your problems are no big deal, if he cares he will support regardless because no matter how silly or little if it matters to you it will matter to him. I hope for you that when you talk he listens and understands. But if he remains closed after 3 years, the chances of him changing and suddenly becoming caring and sensitive to your needs are slim to none. If you think that you can "get by" with that , then its really not a problem. But that you are here and asking makes it seem that you are not the type that could be fullfilled emotionally with this sort of treatment.

You are compleatly right HD. I need to beable to talk to him when I need him. I see a thearapist, and I am thinking about asking him to see her with me from time to time. Do you think that may help? I am the type of woman that needs to be heard form time to time, not all the time, but once in a blue moon if you know what I mean. Thanks for the support and I will be back on tonight to tell every one how things went. Fingers crossed!

Tasha,
Here's an idea. To start your problem solving conversation, you might try taking it in a few steps. Sorry the list is so long, but it includes some "troubleshooting" items crucial to keeping your conversation a happy one.

1.) State the concerning behavior pattern. Be totally objective. ("I noticed earlier today that you didn't seem to want to talk with me.")

2.) If you see him start to squirm, or he gets upset, reassure him that you're not going to demand he change. He probably expects you will. So pour on the reassurance until he calms down. ("... I'm not saying we have to talk about it." "I just couldn't help but notice you seemed a little upset/uncomfortable/whatever").

3.) Give him a chance to explain ("What's up?" or "What's bothering you?")

4.) Make sure you understand what's bothering him, or his reason for not wanting to talk with you. This lets him know you're on his side--and it should calm his nerves even more. Once he knows you understand him...

5.) Tell him why his behavior is a problem for you.

6.) Reassure him that you want both of your needs to be met.

7.) Ask him to suggest a solution--one that addresses both of your concerns.

8.) Evaluate the solution together--will it meet both of your needs ("I really want to take care of both of our concerns--I don't think I'll be happy/OR, do you think you'll be happy with this arrangement?").

9.) Don't get upset if this first conversation doesn't yield a solution. Getting upset or panicking is the worst thing you can do because it tells him you're against him again. Keep trying to understand each other, and take a break if you need to. Decide to think about it and talk again another day.

btw, you guys only have date night once a week... before marriage and kids have come along?
(does that feel like enough time alone together? just curious.)

We call Friday night our "date night" because we make dinner together and watch a movie while snuggled on the couch. This is not our only day alone together, but we make sure that we set that time a side for one another and that we NEVER make plans do be with other people on that day. During the week we are together after work, and after I get out of class but some times I have home work or he has some bills to pay so we dont give undevided attention to one another. We are always together (except for Tuesdays and Thursdays we dont see eachother because it is good to have alone time) and we both are happy with the time we spend together.
So I talked to him today (while I was rubbing his back, and trying to show him that it was just a simple conversation) and I asked him what was wrong the other day. He told me that he was sorry that he didnt want to talk and that he just felt that I had been in a bad mood and thought it was going to end in a fight. I explained to him that I was really up set about a few things going on in school, and worried about a friend and just wanted his oppinion on how to handal things. The conversation lasted for a while. We talked about how I feel that he runs away when ever I need to talk to him the most and he talked about how he has always had trouble with comunication. I asked him if there was any thing that I could do to change our communication for the better, and he said to just keep doing every thing that I have been doing and he will try to work on lisening. The conversationg ended with him suggesting to talk to my therapist to work on comunication because he has seen how well it has worked for me. I'm so proud of him ! He is actually showing me that he wants to work things out and will do every thing that HE can think of.
Thank you guys so much for all the help! I helped me out while I talked to him earlier.
I will post the problem that I have been having with my friend in the relationship area be cause my b/f doesnt have any ideas for me.