I dont thing she should marry him....

**tasha_correa** · 02-20-2009 10:06 PM

My best friend always has to have a guy in her life and the best way to put it is that she LOVES to fall in LOVE. Every guy she is with is "the one" and her soulemate... For the first 9 months or so, and then she winds up leaving the guy and crying to me about it. What happened with in the past year was that she was dating this guy and was "in love" agian. They went out for 7 months and she then broke things off with him. Not even a week later she met this guy at work and they started to date. It has now been about 8 months since they have been together and she is currently engaged as of christmas eve.
I want to be happy for her, but I really dont feel that this is right. She is always searching for my aproval, and trying to get me to show excitement about it, but I cant bring my self to do it. I dont want her to hurt her self againg and I really dont think that she knows the guys true colors. He is moving in with her this week and she is just so happy that I can not bring my self to tell her how I feel about this. Granted the guy seems nice and all, but there is something about him that strikes me odd and I just can not quite put my finger on it (and I have been right so far with all of the other relationships she has had). I am hoping that I am wrong, but I just can not sit by and let my best friend get hurt and not even let her know how I feel about all of this. She asks me, but I change the subject because I am not sure what to say to her yet.
Any advice as to what I could possibly say to her so that she does not get defencive and say that I am never happy for her and her relation ship?

**kms** · 02-21-2009 01:23 AM

If indeed she is your best friend, then I'd say that honesty is the best policy. She might not like what you have to say, but as her close friend, I'd say you may be the only one in the position to fully see what's going on. What if you were in her situation? Would you want her to simply smile and nod, or give you the honest truth? What are true friends for, really?

Sit her down and give her your overall impressions of her past relationships - and how you were right since they all ended (she can't deny it since all the evidence is there!) - and then tactfully give her your thoughts on the current situation. I'd also suggest trying to get her to go see a counselor to work on her attachment issues - because if she's established a highly consistent pattern, it's unlikely it'll change anytime soon and she'll just be in for a lifetime of failed relationships without any sort of serious intervention.

**tasha_correa** · 02-21-2009 08:32 PM

I have tried to show her in the past what I feel about her relationship situation. It ended with a big fight and we didnt talk for months, then once we started to talk again we never brought the subject back up. I feel that she thinks that I am just jelous of her and want to ruin everything for her. As soon as the subject is brought up and I begin voicing my opinion she becomes very defensive (at least this is how she has reacted with past relationships). I really dont want to lose my friend, but I'm having a really hard time sitting back and watching this unfold again.
Thanks for the advice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-21-2009 09:12 PM

I have tried to show her in the past what I feel about her relationship situation. It ended with a big fight and we didnt talk for months

We are who we are in life.

No one is perfect and mistakes are meant to be made, hopefully to not make that same mistake again, however, some people follow patterns and can't break them, for a long time or never.

Friends accept each other for who they are, whether they are right or wrong, making mistakes or not, accept....

And, unfortunately, all you can do is say, it's your life and what ever makes you happy makes me happy.

1. Your not there 24/7 to see how they relate, get on, if she is happy.

2. The next guy (ie) this one may actually be so different from the past ones yet, we "judge" on past, you yourself said you can't put your finger on it.

3. You can't offer your opinions on what you don't really know, and even if you did know, voicing your opinion that you don't agree, it's wrong, or someone is doing things the wrong way, is like having your Mother on your back...

Haha.. seriously.

So, as I said, just say to her what ever makes you happy makes me happy, no point losing a friend or having another fight for what can be perceived as interfering without foundation.

It's hard, because your close you so want to say what you are thinking but, you don't have enough foundation, he hasn't cheated or physically abused her, there is nothing there really to say is there...

Let her continue to make her mistakes if this is the case, and be there as a friend when she falls.

If you can't handle constantly being there through these things, then you have to consider if you two can actually be that close.

CW

**tasha_correa** · 02-21-2009 09:22 PM

I compleatly understand what you are saying, and that is how I have been feeling some times toward the situation. I just feel wrong for acting in that manner when she talks about it in a way of searching for my aproval on the whole situation. When the conversation comes up I can tell that she wants me to voice what I am feeling (you know how you can just tell and the person gives you a look like she is thinking "well...). Like I have said that we had a fight the last time, and I dont want to make her upset. I am just wondering, how would you handal it if she seems to be seeking for an answer out of you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-21-2009 09:47 PM

She is always searching for my aproval, and trying to get me to show excitement about it, but I cant bring my self to do it. I dont want her to hurt her self againg

Well, firstly by telling her you love her like a sister and you hated in the past seeing her get hurt so it's difficult for you to comment on anyone new, until you get to know them more because you love her.

Tell her you are excited and hope this is the one.

If she probes for answers to questions, put it back to her, ie) "do you think he's nice?"...

"well do you? what did you fall for over him tell me"...

then she will rattle off what she likes about him.

It's probably more communication, sharing, with you that she wants the most not approval persay she kind of knows that you didn't before...

Try those

CW

**tasha_correa** · 02-21-2009 09:51 PM

Great idea! Basicaly answer the question with a question.

I will deffinatly give it a try next time the subject is brought up.

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