DNTK

Here’s the problem in a nutshell: I have very strong feelings for a guy who seems like he’s very much in love with me. Problem is he identifies himself as gay.

Seeing that the relationship was therefore doomed, I reluctantly broke off the friendship as it was too difficult for me to be close to him knowing it would never amount to anything more. But when I attempted to end it he begged me to remain involved with him. I finally told him how I felt about him and he reacted very bitterly. He deeply resented me for broaching the subject and threatened to break off our relationship if I ever expressed my feelings again. That was it for me. I said goodbye and farewell, not so nicely, though.

There was silence for awhile, he tried to resume communication, I refused and he started talking about how committing suicide seemed like a good option for him. He started writing poetry about how this amazing woman had walked out of his life and it was as if life itself had left him cold and frightened in the darkness. And finally he wrote a poem saying that he had fallen in love with this woman. Wrote more expressing their deep connection and the profound impact that she had on him. He is desolate without this woman and desperately wants to see her again no matter what the cost.

Worn down by his persistent proclamations, I finally resumed communication with him. I was still cold and distant due to the emotional pain that he had caused me as a result of his vitriolic rejection.

In response he too was cold and even went on to say that he meant every cruel word of his original rejection!

Stunned, I decided that this was truly the end, that I wanted nothing more to do with him. The next thing I know his friends are trying to talk him off a ledge because he’s trying to kill himself as a result of my rejecting him. His friends all despise me now because they think that I’m the one toying with his emotions!

What is really going on here?? Please help??

One more important thing, though he identifies as gay, and has been out for several years, he has never dated a man or slept with one. His family is supportive about his orientation and he has no religious or moral issues to contend with, and he’s fairly good-looking. I’ve been present with him when he’s been approached by attractive men, but he won’t get involved. For some strange reason he refrains from becoming sexually involved with a male. The whole thing is so arre.

rcoreyus

He is very confused about his sexuality. It may have left him frustrated, guilty, angry, and he is lashing out at someone close to him. Until he understands himself better I don't think he is going to be a good companion for anyone.

We tend to use "gay" or "straight" for something much more complicated than can be covered by 2 words.

DNTK

I thought as much. I just don't know what to do about the situation. He keeps asking me to respond to him but he is so steeped in denial about everything that I feel it's impossible.

I think that he's very afraid and overwhelmed by his feelings, the thought of discussing them sends him over the edge and into attack mode. Conversations go something like this:

Me: I have feelings for you.

Him: Are you mad? I am shocked and revolted that you have feelings for me. Never bring this up again, I refuse to even discuss this with you.

Me: Ok, goodbye.

Him: Oh, no please don't go. Please be my constant companion. Don't see any other men. Let's write romantic poetry to each other and flirt shamelessly. Please, oh, please! Where are you? Why don't you reply. I'm so depressed without you, life isn't worth living without you.

Me: ????

sourpuss

Oh dear. He's got some major issues he needs to deal with. Like rcoreyus said, until he comes to terms with himself he's not going to be a good companion. You didn't create this problem, he's going to be like this with or without you. Please don't take on his baggage. If you think you can be a friend and support him in his journey to find himself, then more power to you. If you don't think you can because it's too much for you then I urge you to walk away.

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kms

Somehow if possible you (or tell his friends to do this) should try to get him to go to a trained counselor to help him sort through his identity issues (and maybe perhaps some attachment issues). If you guys are in college, the university counseling center is a great resource (they're well-trained and experienced in these types of issues and they're cheap as well!). If your university has a GLBT center, that might be a good place as well. I know ours offers counseling services at least (because my counseling classmate is one of them doing it, hehe). Even if he doesn't think he has issues with his sexual identity, threatening to commit suicide indicates a serious problem that needs to be worked through with a professional.

DNTK

I just wish that I weren't emotinally involved so that I could be more objective about this. But his rejections are so painful to me that it's hard for me to see how to help him.

I don't know if he really is gay (after years of claiming to be so, why hasn't he acted on it) Is it just a convenient defense mechanism to keep women at a safe distance? I feel like he's hiding something and that he pushing me away to avoid revealing his problem. He acts like he loves me, but if I try to discuss our feelings, he shoves me away only to beg me to come back.

If I didn't love him, I'd tell him to just leave me alone forever.

He said that there is a GLBT club at his university but that as a whole, he wouldn't get caught dead being a part of the gay community. You see the contraditions (Won't date a man (though he has dated females) and seems to despise the gay community but claims to be gay.)

Also, I don't believe that he is really trying to committ suicide. I honestly think he's using it as emotional blackmail to keep me by his side. But why? Just to tell me how little I mean to him emotionally.

I just wish that he would confide in me and tell me what it is that he is really afraid of. I love him enough to help him through just about anything that he could reveal to me. If only he would trust me.

CHANDLERS WISH

I'm at a loss...

Why can't he just be a friend? Why is it that you can't date other men?

You say he won't and hasn't slept with "men" but I assume you know that he has slept with women and perhaps yourself, if that's not a rude question to ask..

I feel that he is in a cross road.. He doesn't want to be gay, and so refuses to accept it, but will state it as he knows he is, but in his confusion , is mixing up the friendship that he has built with you, with love but won't love you or give that to you because that would mean his was bi, not gay.

So, he is totally confused himself I think... as to who he actually is.

He really does need councelling especially if he is thinking suicidal thoughts.

It's not your responsibility, even though you feel it is , emotional blackmail from his end is making you feel this way and it's wrong.

Can you speak with his family? Let them know the situation?

CW

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DNTK

While I don't believe that anyone in his right mind would claim to be gay if he were not, I'm just not certain about him. He told me that he came out nearly 8 years ago, his family and friends were supportive, there were no religious inhibitions to deal with, and the city we live in is fairly gay friendly. Yet he won't date or sleep with a man. So there is no reasonable explanation for his continued reluctance after 8 years of being out and proud of it.

He's a good looking, charming man who lots of gay men hit on. He has no lack of opportunity to explore that side of himself.

Yet he chooses to spend his evenings with me, special holidays New Years Eve, Valentines day, our birthdays all are spent together. No we've never slept together, but we sort of snuggle while watching movies. Why wouldn’t he rather be snuggling with some nice guy??

I do have one more theory...it's so silly but no sillier than the rest of this scenario. I say this because, in addition to all the other things that I mentioned, I have observed unusual things when I'm at his place. While I have found ZERO pictures of good looking men around his place, I noticed a few photos of sexy, scantily clad women around (including one of a busty bikini clad woman dripping with water as she climbed out of a pool). I found his having such photos around extremely weird as it seemed typical hetero male behavior.

I'm a little embarrassed to say this, but I occasionally glance at his package as most women would with a man they were attracted to. Well, the first time I ever did, it struck me at how very little there was there. Not that you can tell much from the outside, but on average, most guys, even when flaccid, produce somewhat of a bulge in that area. With him there is precious little. I've checked several times, for evidence of something. But point is, I wonder if he feels extremely inadequate in that area. His body is long and thin, hands, feet, I can't help wondering if he's very thin there too. Early on I made a joke about if a guy didn't have an impressive package, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. It was a joke, but it upset him. He reminds me of it occasionally saying how superficial that was and how there is far more to a relationship then how well your partner performs in the bedroom. He seemed extremely offended by that! If he were average in that department, I hardly think that would be enough to keep me at arm's length. But if he has slept with women in the past and has been ridiculed or rejected as a result of his 'inadequacy', then being with a woman who has emphasized a need for size could be extremely disconcerting and intimidating.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but he acts like a man who is tortured by something. Like he wants desperately to love me, but fears something will go really badly if he allows himself to. Of course, if the inadequacy theory is true, it could also explain why he won't date men either feeling he couldn't please anyone. I suppose if he were willing to serve as the 'bottom' that wouldn't matter, but maybe being the bottom is not his preference.

DNTK

Oh yes, once while he was a little tipsy, he told me that he and I were just a wonderful dream that could never happen, and that he knew that I would eventually leave him and when I did, it would break his heart into a thousand pieces.

Afterward, he didn't quite remember having said it.