Thread: Relationship Situation

Sounds like somewhere a long the line he fell into the friend zone in your eyes, even though neither of you set out to be that way. If you know in your heart he is not the one and you know he is still very much and love and thinks you are, its going to take some soul searching to decide how to proceed. And wish you all the best with that. I respect your courage and honesty to be able to tell him the ways you feel or don't so that he can make an informed decision on how he wants to proceed.

But to be honest, that may not be enough. Some people, when so in love, will still hold out hope and that sounds like what he is doing. He sounds like he is putting off the pain of having you out of his bed entirely so is willing to settle for occasional cuddles.. the same so many women on this forum talk about doing with their SO's.

If you know you won't ever get back with him, it may be necessary for you to cut the strings a little bit more than you have, not to say you can't be the best of friends, but sharing a bed with someone that is so in love with you , and you are not.. isn't fair to them in the long run. Right now his romantic life is on hold, he wont meet that special someone that will love him the way he loves you while he is still in your bed. No woman would understand your set up and fall for him while hes wrapped up in you and still technically sleeping with you.

Also you, as you begin to explore other men and maybe end up meeting the "one" your current tied up situation may put them off as well. It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight and are a fair and decent person. I am sure you will manage a way to work out what is best for both of you..in the long term and short.

And yes it is possible to fall out of love with someone for no reason at all, it may or may not be the case here. Sometimes people just miss the newness and excitement of a new relationship and after 4 years or so it does grow stale, some people stick it out and try to renew those feelings, some are unable to and move on to another until the same cycle begins again. Neither is bad, its just how different people deal.

I think you need to have complete space from him, at least for a while, to completely separate yourself from him and have the time that you need to be on your own. Through that time you may realize that you could never live without him - or, you could realize that life on your own is much better. Even though you're taking a break, you're still very much involved with him - you see him every day, you interact with him constantly and even still sleep with him... it would be hard to think clearly when he's still a huge part of your life. Perhaps that's what he needs as well. He could be so attached to the thought of you (faithful girlfriend, close friend, constant companion) that he's not able to see clearly either.

You could achieve complete space by moving out, or going somewhere for spring break by yourself, or taking the summer to travel or do something on your own... any number of things. I think it's difficult to have a true 'break' though when you're still living together.

Funny, but it sounds like you and your BF are experiencing what most married couples slip into after a year or so of sharing everything--home, bed, and everything else that comes with these. It's really a pretty natural thing--newness and excitement give way to routine, and we can lose our curiosity about the fabulous person we're with and what makes him/her tick. Some married folks see that this is happening, and they panic--passion used to come so easily--and question whether they are still made for each other. This even in the absence of substantial conflict. Some decide their commitment to each other was a mistake.

The problem with breaking things off when you hit relationship doldrums IMHO is that a) the beautiful relationship you have is, in nearly all regards, working great! Passion and excitement, the missing ten percent, require only a little tweaking-- regaining curiosity and thoughtfulness for each other. Reason b) is, once you've reached the point where you want a lifelong commitment--marriage and family--then seeking out a new relationship after the last relationship's euphoria wears off is... well, a bit of a setback.
And a self-imposed one. Because, really, if you and your man (this one or a future one) know you want to grow old together, it's generally not too complicated to make that happen.

Lots of good thoughts/advice, thanks so much! I agree that its difficult to actually be on a "break" and still be living together. I've been out with friends a lot more then often without him, and going to visit my parents every other weekend which has helped. Actually my spring break is coming up and though we will be together the first 3 days of it, the rest of the week I will be out of town seeing a much anticipated for concert, so that will be good for both of us!

I could see it, as of now, going either way with us. I think I will implicate a little more space so that yes, we can both think more clearly and let the answers in easier...

Celeste, sometimes I find myself in a situation that I should be absolutely thrilled with. One that has everything I thought I always wanted.....but find myself suddenly not wanting it anymore...wanting something different.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you seem very mature and level headed. I dated the same guy all through college and a year after. Was gonna marry him.. loved him...loved his family. But there was something missing...and as I got out of college and found my independance, I LOVED IT. I would sit and imagine where all I could live, and what my career path would be, and all the people I'd meet. but I knew if I stayed with him, in "safe zone"..... I'd stay right where I was for the rest of my life. So I had to ask myself "will I be happy with this?" and the answer was no.

I think it's natural to seek that independance, that solitude, that "me" time. It's a time for spiritual growth....and maybe that's exactly what you're craving? A time for growth, learning about oneself? Often times, after periods of self learning, the things we WANT in someone else change...the things we want in a relationship change.

I think you're being honest with this guy, which is great. And part of u is afraid if you let him go, you'll regret it later and he won't be there. But it sounds like this guy loves you alot and will probably do whatever it is you need him to do. I agree with the others, more space is necessary to get a better picture. Move out, have your time, and I'm confident it'll all be MUCH clearer for you then.