I'm on the verge of tears!

**ThexMrs** · 02-25-2009 08:15 PM

I'm going to keep this as short and simple as possible.

My boyfriend is 15 years older than me but we have so much in common and want the same things out of life. No problems there. Two years ago he was in a relationship for 7 years with a woman and he almost married her. They were engaged. (He and I both, like many, only want to get married once) Well, he almost married her, the wrong person so now he is jaded towards it a little bit. (Everyone in his family/friends hated her and he began to hate her as well) I want to marry this man and tonight we talked about moving in together (not now but in the future) and he thinks it's too soon but being in a LDR that's the only way to know if it is going to work.

Here's the thing... I started to not trust him a little because we met on a friendship/dating site and he has never canceled his account. I decided to make a fake profile of a cute girl and see if he'd talk to her. I then decided not to go through with it and never signed into the account again. Today for some reason I decided I would. He double matched with her and poked her but never wrote her a message and he's been double matched with her for 18 days. I got sick to my stomach and called a friend. He said that is innocent but I would message him and see what happens so I did. I wrote in a fashion not like my own. I wrote "hi how r u" and so I'm waiting to see what happens. I'm going to eventually work into asking if he has a girlfriend, etc. I'm so scared that he is going to let me down and lie about it. Why would he double match her to begin with? He always tells me that there isn't a thing he would change about me and that he loves me the way I am. I believe him.

His profile does say, "Just here for friends." So I mean, that's out there but it doesn't say anything about a girlfriend. I don't know what to do. I mean, I will ride this out and see what happens, what he says. I'm just scared to find out he isn't the one because I am ready to move across the country and leave my friends and family behind for this man.

I'm so scared! I'm making myself physically sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up and my head is pounding. My neck is extremely tight and I'm getting a knot in it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-25-2009 08:30 PM

His profile does say, "Just here for friends."

Sweet, if you put your finger in the fire your going to get burnt.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with meeting via internet and then dating and forming a relationship.... Your living proof of that, and I know of others.

Secondly, man the moment you start sneaking, you get yourself all worked up and confused and even if he's innocent you'll think he's guility.... Quit whilst your ahead.

Thirdly, if he was looking for someone he wouldn;t have just here for friends. Maybe he enjoys conversing with the different sex, simple...Flirting is fine if there is a line not crossed.

Doesn't matter what he did, it matters as to what he didn't do and that's post her (you) a message but now what is he to do? If he's a half decent guy he is going to have to reply and then your going to think oh no.....

Don't play with fire,

Now to the marriage, living together etc, it's only been a few months sweet, things take time and living together is a commitment and so is marriage and there is nothing wrong with him wanting to take all of that slowly so that he gets to the point where he is happy and knows that this is it.

Enjoy what you have, totally and please don't play games, because that's why your so worked up worrying about what he will write and then how you will feel.

As, I said if he's a half decent guy he has to now reply,.

What will he think if he ever finds out that you did that? In-security is one thing but setting him up? Be very careful, get rid of her totally , simple and don't do it..

CW

**WildChild** · 02-25-2009 09:05 PM

I don't know. I agree with CW that this is playing with fire but if I were in your shoes now that the cat is out of the bag I'd be wondering too. Bottom line, either you trust him or you don't - it seems you don't, at least not fully. What to do now? I'm with CW that you should drop the false profile but you should tell him that you are closing that membership. Maybe just say, "O, I realized I don't need that anymore! I suppose you closed yours already?", see what he says. That right there may give you a clue. Of course, putting people on the spot can be tricky.

If you have any doubts then don't go moving across the country just for him. You do it for yourself or not at all. If there is some reason you aren't trusting, (why did you do this?) you should deal with it before you make any moves.

**ritengo** · 02-25-2009 11:27 PM

Proceed with caution. IMO, and I don't know him so I could be way off, but he sounds like he has a strong fear of committment. Seven years is a long time to be dating. I don't know how long you two have been together but his flirting with this cute (but fake) girl on that dating site plus his negative view about you two eventually living together - that doesn't sound good. I don't think that him trying to talk to or kind of flirting with another person online is a huge deal in and of itself, but that combined with all the other stuff, I would just be careful.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-25-2009 11:44 PM

What is a double match is that like making someone a friend? Xmrs, no no no you should not have went there. While I understand wanting to find out just how he acts when your not over his shoulder, but.. its just not our place to know. It really isn't. Have you stepped into a coffee shop or something and nice looking guy shoots a smile your way and says hello, you probably wouldnt frown and growl and hiss and run away.. you'd say hi - maybe even smile, you might even get a little rush in the tummy of knowing you are attractive to the opposite sex.

Although you'd have no interest in pushing it further, harmless scenes like those happen day in day out of peoples lives, and the internet is no different really. Its hard not to be flattered when someone shows interest in you, even if you have zero interest in them and will not entertain their interests. Trust issues in a LDR are crucial, but really even married couples that live together cant breathe down the neck of their SO and make sure they aren't so much as glancing at anyone else.

I can fully understand wanting to be the only thing in the world that your man can see, oh do I wish that for myself lol.. but tis' not to be.. the world is big and beauty is abundant. Take comfort in the fact he chose you, to be the one that has his heart, and who he gives his body to and let the harmless flirts go. It sucks, it sucks that he would even give a stranger the time of day, but likely...he was just flattered that someone took an interest - maybe a tad curious, again it sucks.. but its human.

If you decide to look for dirt or bad in a person, dig far enough and hard enough and you will find it. If you love him, and you trust him you have to just not put yourself through this type of misery. See you were feeling fine earlier, happy, then you poked around and now your sick with anguish - self-induced. Like I told someone earlier - its almost as if when we are happy we are so scared that one day we won't be that we go looking for ways not to be. Stop it :| hehe.

**sourpuss** · 02-25-2009 11:54 PM

You are playing with fire. It's almost like you want to sabotage it. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the fact that he still has an account, considering that's how you met.

What you are doing is just as deceitful-if not more so. I'd step back and really think about the can of worms you are about to open.

**ThexMrs** · 02-26-2009 02:57 PM

Now to the marriage, living together etc, it's only been a few months sweet, things take time and living together is a commitment and so is marriage and there is nothing wrong with him wanting to take all of that slowly so that he gets to the point where he is happy and knows that this is it.

I agree one hundred percent. I wasn't saying that we need to move in now but that in the future this is what I want. It's the only way for us to know if it's truly meant to be. He's really not open to even talking about anything in the future. He's a day to day kind of guy but I'm a day to future kind of girl.

After the talk he said he'd call me back later and of course didn't. I actually called this one while talking to my friend. I said that he would just text me and tell me he loves me and that he's going to bed. That's exactly what he did which is fine. He needed his space.

What will he think if he ever finds out that you did that? In-security is one thing but setting him up? Be very careful, get rid of her totally , simple and don't do it.

I couldn't help myself. I wrote him a second message on there. It read, "my name is katie ppl call me kate not sure y im on hr gus ill see ur hr 4 frenz duz tht mean u hv a gf im sngl dnt no y lol"

I have to know if he is going to lie and say he doesn't have a girlfriend. If he does then I will tell him that I set up this account and I tested him then I'll break up with him. Cheating (if you've read my other thread) is NOT okay in any way. It infuriates me. I don't want to become a "victim."

I don't know him so I could be way off, but he sounds like he has a strong fear of committment. Seven years is a long time to be dating.

We've been together for almost 9 months and have known each other for about 11 months. I want to emphasize that I am NOT asking him for us to move in now. I don't want to do this until after our 1 year mark.

As for what you are saying about his fear of commitment. This is an email he wrote me and I think that kind of explains it.

The email: Ok, this goes back a few years probably now just before I got engaged. I was talking to the president of the company, we were out having some beers after work and he was asking me if I was ever gonna marry my gf because we’d been together for so long. I was like “I don’t know, I’m not sure” and he said “would you give your life for hers?” and I didn’t really have an answer. He didn’t push it and we talked about this and that. Then he just looked over at me and said “You’ll know” and that was it. I didn’t really understand and figured every guy was confused about a decision like that. For the first time in 35 years I feel like I know and I’m upset because I know and I’m far away but I feel like I know you are the one. So you can be scared now…cause I know and I would give my life for you

So I hope that helps answer your question.

What is a double match is that like making someone a friend?

Yes, that is exactly what it is. You click on the "Meet Me" button and it sends them a half match. When that person accepts it then you become double matches and you can talk.

If you decide to look for dirt or bad in a person, dig far enough and hard enough and you will find it.

That makes me feel extremely guilty but I have to know. My friends who told me to go through with this now say that I don't have anything to worry about and they believe that he will tell her that he has a girlfriend. That is my hope but I'm very scared that he will say no. I don't know why though. Yes, I am insecure in ways. I would love it if he didn't talk to other women online just because that is how we met. I do know that he loves me. He's gone through for me and he's met my mother. If he wasnt' serious he wouldn't do that but I don't want him to feel like because of the distance he needs to have fun with someone else. (Though the girl/me supposedly lives in Colorado) I just NEED to know.

You are playing with fire. It's almost like you want to sabotage it. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the fact that he still has an account, considering that's how you met.

No, I do not want to sabotage it but if this is how he really is then I want to find out now before I move there. He's cheated in the past (not on me) but on his ex fiance. (She cheated on him first) So there are doubts.

I did tell him that I was uncomfortable with him still having an account. He said he would get rid of it and never did. This is something he is actually PAYING for every month.

What you are doing is just as deceitful-if not more so. I'd step back and really think about the can of worms you are about to open.

I have but like I've said a lot in this reply... I NEED to know.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-26-2009 03:14 PM

I'm wondering if we "planted a seed in your mind" from your other Thread, regarding cheating, because he told you he did, 20 years ago and because you dispise it so much, that you now question him... where before you didn't.

If he doesn't reply, or does say he's in a relationship will that be the end of it then? And, will you close the account and never speak of it?

I think that 9 months is still "baby stages" of a relationship regardless how much you say, or he says " I love you" and he feels I believe that 12, 15, 24 months you start to consider future because you've been together long enough to know.

You know from here, how many people agreed that the "settled" and after 12 months even, things went pear shape, because they really didn't know the other person well enough... But, I agree, to live with someone these days before marriage is sensible...

Just enjoy your relationship, be in love and love.... Future is future, live for the present.

CW

**ThexMrs** · 02-26-2009 03:22 PM

I'm wondering if we "planted a seed in your mind" from your other Thread, regarding cheating, because he told you he did, 20 years ago and because you dispise it so much, that you now question him... where before you didn't.

No... You can't blame (not the right word) yourself for this. It's true, yes... I never did doubt him or think that he would cheat on me. I guess I just had to test the waters. I have to know because he has my heart completely. Men are men though. He isn't the most secure person out there. He sees that I get hit on a lot and that I have guys after me all of the time so I think he does feel a little threatened but I don't want that (his insecurity) to make me wander. I love him and if I lose him (even through my own fault by the fake page) then I will be devastated to no end.

If he doesn't reply, or does say he's in a relationship will that be the end of it then? And, will you close the account and never speak of it?

Yes... If he says he has a girlfriend then that will be the end of it. I will close the account and never do it again. If he says he doesn't have a girlfriend, well... I may mess with him a bit and see how far he would actually take this. All the while I will be crushed.

**Uneeklyme** · 02-26-2009 04:03 PM

OMG seriously????
and when he finds out you played him like that will he be overreacting when he boots you to the curb for doing it? Something that could very well happen even if he doesnt fall for your "cute" girl trap. Why don't you just flat out tell him you know he still has his account, that your not happy about it, and that you would like him to close it. Seems to me that would be the adult, communicative, loving, trusting, I want to marry you someday way to handle it.

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