It's my loss......

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2009 10:06 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

My guess is that there have been a number of things that indicate a poor match, which you may not be fully conscious of but have added to your reaction to this situation.
Interesting that he is so strong about this but hasn't been in other areas?

Mmm...exactly. I lost my job a few weeks ago. Hard for anyone to deal with much less someone such as myself who is a worker....an independent prideful woman. having him around during that first week was great because he made me smile. But then, week 2, he had a meltdown moment one night (the night I was planning to jump his bones) questioning my willingness to commit. It upset me and frustrated me greatly as I certainly needed no more pressure in my life. Ahh.....so I struggled, "has this made me lose interest?" and I took a couple days to myself, missed his company and decided it was worth a go. So yeah, perhaps indicative of a poor match. And well then yeah...there was the fact that he's ultra conservative and I often had to listen to very one-sided view points. While I respected his opinions and listened without arguing....I often thought "how can one person think this way?" and tried to help him have a more open mind to some things. Bothered me a bit, but I tried not to let something so small factor in too much. But he had so many qualities I considered good....... *sigh* Which leaves me wondering after failed relationship number 445,643,345,667.5 (okay maybe not that many)...... IS there a good match?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2009 10:12 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Well as I said you have your head screwed on the right way but bugger woman when people tell half a story, i get half the "gut feeling" when they tell it all.... Then I hear it...

And, I hear you.

And, I agree with "It's his loss"...

I also think that liers are the pits... Especially to get someone.... So, I'm pleased that you were causious, SO PLEASED you didn't get to spend that night with him.....

CW

Oops...darnit it's so hard to get ALL the details in without feeling like you're just rambling off and boring people to tears.

And thank you...I'm pleased as well that I really focused this time on what I truly want. And what I truly want is a friendship, that leads to a commitment, and results in incredible intimacy. with friendship comes trust. If I cannot be your friend, I CANNOT be your lover. Waiting on the intimacy thing is incredibly difficult, and I make no promises...LOL!!! With him, I was attracted, but there were things he did that would be moments of "turn off"...like whining, or treating my boobs like play dough.

haha. Ahh..and now, I'm finding humor in this which is AWESOME...thanks to you and the others who've responded.

Oh, and I'm finally learning how to quote, so I will probably overuse it tremendously. There's your warning.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-01-2009 10:16 PM

He lied, he ommitted key info that he knew would have made you uncomfortable (the dog thing). You are right to jump ship B.D. Because he has not let go of this person in a healthy way, if he had he would have been up front and said, oh my ex and I still get along, theres no feelings, she even watches my dog, etc. And put it all on the table like that.... trying to let it out bit at a time, to ease you into it, was a bad move.

I would be SO turned off by a guy that still catered to an ex that cheated and dumped him so I can understand your position entirely. Your better off finding this out now before your heart got more attached.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-02-2009 12:58 AM

,

Beautiful Disaster
or treating my boobs like play dough.

haha.

RLMAO

It's interesting, because throughout your "excitement" of what you wanted to do which didn't eventuate fortunately, you also recognised his "immaturety", which was in the back of your mind, so this may have created sub-conscious thoughts that he was not all that....

His statement of "your loss" was immature.

I've already made my self clear on my thoughts of lying... tututututut.

But, my personal opinion is that those whom have been burnt before, can't trust their new partner to still remain friends with their ex partners... If it is not constant but occasional, then I have no problems what so ever...

If you can't enter a relationship with trust you don't enter the relationship.

If you constantly live in your past, you will always have a problem with a new relationship.

Trust has to occur end of story, regardless what other's have done.

CW

**WildChild** · 03-02-2009 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

.there was the fact that he's ultra conservative and I often had to listen to very one-sided view points. While I respected his opinions and listened without arguing....I often thought "how can one person think this way?" and tried to help him have a more open mind to some things. Bothered me a bit, but I tried not to let something so small factor in too much. But he had so many qualities I considered good....... *sigh* Which leaves me wondering after failed relationship number 445,643,345,667.5 (okay maybe not that many)...... IS there a good match?

LOL, I was thinking about this the other day - the matter of not just not being on the same line or page with someone but maybe not even the same book? Some differing interests and opinion can keep things interesting but being that far apart is likely to cause trouble at some point?

I don't know if there is a good match either! I've always tried to take each person in my life as an individual and not to project what others have done and the old hurts on to them but in the face of repeated relationship disasters it is getting more difficult. At times I do feel that men have harder time letting go of hurts than women do. I've been cheated on more than once but have never expected it to happen again, every man I know who has been cheated on seem to almost insist it will happen again and will imagine it if it doesn't happen. Being over 50, I've come to the realization that I may never have the relationship I want. It hurts but it's been too many times that I've been drawn in with affection and apparent loving that lasts only until my affections are secured and then it's been shut off. I can't do a fast turn around like that, it can take me years to then stop loving and accept that a man no longer cares to touch me or kiss me or make love - that an occational f is all I'm going to get. (Of course sex and affection are just one part of the shut out) The weird thing is that I will have tried to talk about it, to express my needs, to give warnings that I can't continue with things as they are and if anything, get only a very brief respite, but when I finally say, I'm done, can't do this anymore (then it really is over for me) THEN the guy will freak out and I'm a big bad nasty who walked out on him! I will have been trying for months or years to make it work and to get what I need while giving what they need. What is up with that stuff? Why is it men seem to think they can treat you like last week's leftovers but get upset when you can't take it anymore? They seem to only want you after they've pushed you away and you've walked.

It's like being able to see and smell the wonderful feast, a feast that is only open to twos and while you get the occasional nibble, just a teaser of a taste, enough to let you know it is really there, all you get is old bread and milk that just starting to sour. You can study the cookbooks but with only half the ingredients at work with, where are you? We aren't alone, I think a lot of the world suffers from it, hungers, it's why we see much addiction, over indulgence in negative things, excess consumption - it's an attempt to fill the void. There isn't much comfort in numbers for this, is there? I've tried to let go of any expectations and just accept things and during the day I do a pretty good job, Most people who see me would say I'm happy. But at night my dreams are filled with desire for loving kisses and carresses and I wake up in tears in the middle of the night a couple of times a week. It is what it is. It takes two working at it and no matter what you do, you can't get around that. You just have to make the best life for yourself that you can and stay open to possiblities I guess.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-02-2009 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

,

Trust has to occur end of story, regardless what other's have done.

CW

I totally agree, and it's what I long for. But to say that your past shouldn't teach you what to look for, what to expect, in the future.....well, it's just not realistic. It's like this, his ex cheated on him, night after night while he worked night shift. His neighbor finally told him there was someone in a white truck showing up at 2am every morning. So when we first started dating, he said something about working nights again, and I said "Well I go to bed early, so no worries!" and he said "I know, I already thought of that!!". So even to him, he cannot help but to be affected by his past. Even though he had no indication I'd be a cheater, the thought still crossed his mind of what I might do while he was working night shift because of what someone he loved did to him.

Same goes for me. I was told over and over by my ex "I have NO feelings for her. I will never date her again. She's totally insignificant to me. She's not my type. I only dated her once or twice. There is NOTHING there, I promise you." Told me he would never need another woman in his life other than me, and that I'd be his wife. Okay. I heard this, my heart believed, my intuition didn't. I was accused by him of being insecure. And maybe even started to believe perhaps I was. But then, one day, boom.....poo hit the fan, and guess what? 2 weeks after i moved out, she was moved back in. I found out they had dated for 2 years, she had lived with him, and that he continued talking to her the whole time we were together.

So now...trust is earned, it is not blindly given. This new guy can tell me "I don't want anyone else, if I did why would I be taking you out and wanting to see you?"....... Umm, since when does taking me out and wanting to see me earn trust? NO. Telling me truths, being open, being PATIENT and willing to take responsibility for your inconsistencies, EARNS trust.

I had an email from him this morning...explaining that he didn't want us to give up on what we had and that he "doesn't remember what he said to me on our first date", and that he didn't think it was a big issue but understands that it is a big issue to me, and he apologized and told me he missed me.

I think I'll not respond for a while. He lives 5 minutes from me.....and he knows my phone # and has made no effort at true contact. As of yesterday he tells me (on text) that me getting upset "completely turned him off" and that he is NOT wrong and is not budging. So I think he shall have to wait for a response from me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-02-2009 02:39 PM

Battle of the minds, in his eyes, he shall win, then backs down...

He can't communicate.

Yes, Trust has to be earnt absolutely and yes, we do learn from our past mistakes in my opinion that's the only good part of making a mistake, we learn from them.

Yes, men can be cunning ( so can women ) and decietful, so it is difficult to ascertain and takes time before you can decide..

But, again, put it to the fact that I am 45, seen it all, heard it all, and can seriously see it in 2 seconds... Only problem is alot of women can see the writing on the wall at the beginning but "chose" not to and "settle"....

There is nothing wrong with believing you can never stop doing so or dreaming but always follow your "gut feeling", always... When you see a warning sign and a red flag comes up, it's not your in-security, it's Mother Nature's way of trying to tell you oh oh....

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-02-2009 04:57 PM

Teehehe...you're well seasoned....I can only hope to be that one day! The more that happens, the more I realize this has so much to do with his immaturity. He and I both frequent the dog park often. Today I was there and an old guy I've known for a few years brought up us breaking up (I had never even mentioned dating him to this guy) and told me "Well...lets just say that I know you well enough to know that the way he described you was inaccurate" so of course that pegged my interest to know what he had said. Now the first time he talked to this older guy about me, when we first started dating, apparently he told him we'd been dating for like 4 months. (false). But then Friday evening when he was bashing me, he said "I mean, I've only been dating this girl for like a month....took her out for vday, spent $300 on her.....then she finds out my ex text me on my birthday and totally freaked out. I deal with crazy people all day long at work, I don't need to have a relationship with one!" LOL!!!!! Funny part, I didn't even know his ex had text him on his birthday until HE TOLD ME. haha. I will say, it made me quite angry that he would defame my character to people he knows know me and think highly of me. Makes me mad that he's going around trying to make me look like a crazy person (yet he's emailing me and apologizing!) BUT, just reiterates the immaturity. I mean, I've talked to you guys on here, but I CERTAINLY hadn't told anyone at the dog park my story. LOL. I felt no need to talk badly about him....not sure why he felt the need to do so.

And yes, I totally agree........if MORE people would listen to their intuition, less people would settle and MORE people would be happy people. I'm proud of myself for listening to it.....it doesn't always tell me what I want to hear, but it rarely fails me. :-)

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-06-2009 09:25 AM

Am hoping some other ladies read this thread...and I even posted some other threads about this fella throughout dating him. Anyway, I hope any of you in the dating world read this and take note to ALWAYS listen to your intuition. I won't say it's ALWAYS right, but it certainly is more often than it's wrong.

So i haven't physically talked to this guy since last Thursday. He went from telling me he was NOT wrong and not budging, to apologizing and asking to see me. I turned him down. Then he asked if he could come over and "talk" Wed night. I had already made my mind up that I'd not date him again. #1. He lied to me #2. He badmouthed me to others. These two things, DOUBLE deal breaker. Anywho, I agreed to hear him out. An hour before he was supposed to arrive wed night, he text (of course he text, it would be harder to lie if actually talking.

) and said he was sick, throwing up and thought he might have food poisening.

You see, I'm a very nurturing person, but having only known him 2 mths, I kept my distance because some people prefer their privacy when they're sick. I.E. if I'm dating someone new, having vomiting and diarrea one night, I'd just assume they NOT be around to see it. So, instead of offering my assistance, I'd periodically check on him "you ok?" "feeling any better" ....and "I'm sorry you're sick, relax tonight and you'll be all better tomorrow". Throughout the night, he said he was feeling better. Next day, I hear nothing from him until last night when he texted to ask if I was watching Idol. Random huh. Now just the day before, he had talked about how he missed me, and how his dog missed my dog, etc. Anywho, thats all he said to me. No mention of wanting to "talk" or anything.

So this morning, for some reason, the first thing I did when I got up was look at his facebook (which I never really felt inclined to do much, as he's somewhat boring) and I see a comment yesterday from his ex (Yes, the ex he said he never talks to, and has no feelings for) that says "haha..thanks for appreciating my veggie soup!!". But wait, that's not possible, because he doesn't talk to her? Haha!

And this, my friends, is a perfect example of following ones intuition He tried to make me look like a crazy jealous psycho for having an issue with communication with the ex. I didn't give in, I didn't concede. And I wasn't crazy after all, and certainly had nothing to do with insecurity. No....it was "mother nature" telling me to ruuuuun.

LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION LADIES!!!!

**WildChild** · 03-06-2009 01:56 PM

Good advice

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