It's my loss......

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2009 03:09 PM

So since I've posted a few times about this guy I've been dating for the last few months.....I thought I'd give all who care to know a little update. haha.

I really tried to give this fella a chance......*sigh*...I did. And I had hopes he was different than the rest....(wishful thinking eh..). Thur night he came over and we got on the discussion of sex (which we have not done), which somehow lead into ex's (never good...) and he let it slip that he still talks to his ex. So here's a little background so you know the significance of this revelation:

Date 1 - went great for the most part. We talked about our last relationship, how long it had been etc. He advised me of his latest relationship, a year ago, and that he thought she was the one and was going to propose....but then found out she was cheating and she ended up breaking up with him. He mentioned that night that they "still talk". After Date 1, he asked me if there were any red flags from the date. I told him, honestly, yes....the fact that he continues to talk to his ex is a bit of a red flag. He responded "Oh no...I don't talk to her...I mean we're civil but it's been prob 5 mths since we've talked." So i felt okay about that. This was early January.

So when he let it slip that he still talks to her and that she still keeps the dog sometimes.....I got angry and felt I had been deceived. He proceeded to explain that he rarely talks to her, only on holidays, birthdays and such. His birthday was Monday, and yes...she contacted him. Then he proceeded to tell me that there's nothing wrong with it...and that obviously if you date someone for a long time (they dated a year) you care about their well being and want to know how they're doing. He said "Don't you?" and I said "No...I dated someone for 5 years, was engaged...and NO I don't contact him to see how he's doing, wish him merry xmas or happy bday!" Also, about the dog. They got the dog in of 07 (she has a dog of her own) and would've had to have broken up in January 08. Can't figure out why it's still, a year later, important for her to visit with a dog she was around for 2-3 mths. But whatever. haha Then....he accused me of being jealous which angered me even more. I told him to leave.

Yesterday, he began texting me. Told me this was stupid and I told him I'd have never continued dating him had I known the importance he placed on keeping in contact with his ex. He replied with "I'd have never dated you if I had known you were insecure. You're loss. I'm sorry."

My loss? Ummmm.......hmm.

Not sure I get it.....how I can be TOTALLY honest with someone about my feelings after date 1, let him know "baggage" such as contact with an ex was an issue for me. But now suddenly, 2 months later, when he changes his story, I'm suddenly insecure. #1. He was dishonest with me. #2. He continues to keep in contact with someone he almost proposed to, that cheated on him and dumped him........NEVER GOOD.

Soo...I guess if this was my loss, then I'm a lucky loser.

Yikes.......

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2009 03:24 PM

Well, it's your choice at the end of the day, if you don't agree with current partners, still communicating with ex-partners.

IMO, you can remain friends with ex-partners even 1 year is a long time being with someone, you do form some sort of a bond with them... Pends on whether your time together was great as "friends" side of it goes, you may wish to walk away and still be friends, realising that the cheating was because there wasn't much more to the relationship from one person's end.

But, I do get what your saying as he stated that he thought she was the one.... But, maybe that's because they got on so well as friends, and hense why they still communicate.

Unless you delve further into this you will never know, as to why he feels he is ok with remaining friends with an ex who cheated on him..

But, it's his past and his life and well I guess I don't get jealous so it wouldn't bother me at all.

Your relationship was new, only what 2 months? No intimacy yet? So, are you analysing each relationship as much as possible before allowing it to be one? And, if there is any "baggage" walking away instead of getting to know the person totally?

I don't know.... I would call something, don't know if I would say in-secure but I don't see the issue as strongly as you do, to break of a relationship that hasn't even started and in addition without the full understanding and communication as to why he feels okay to be a friend to her.

Is it him cheating on you? Over her? Is that the fear?

haha sorry BD, I know you really have your head screwed on the right way that's for certain in your posts, but are you over analysing?

CW

**Kung Fu Kitty** · 03-01-2009 03:39 PM

well...on the other end of the spectrum... from my personal experience,its not good when your SO remains friends with their ex. i dated a guy a few years back,everything seemed to be going good,until one day i come home from work to find his ex girl/friend was in town and they were gonna hang out for the day.no problem,have fun im going to sleep. wake up and he is still gone. afternoon turns to evening..still gone.finally comes back and is acting weird.he ditched me few days after that,and later on i found out he had invited her down with the intention of getting back together with her and ditching me.and this is all the while him telling me she is his "friend" nothing more...and "like a sister" to him.so in my experience... keeping the ex around is bad news...i think you did the right thing.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2009 04:57 PM

CW - As always I respect your opinions and advice. I think that this time I've having a hard time seeing it any other way, even 3 days after it happened. Usually, I sleep on something, wake up the next day and realize I overreacted. But not this time. If this had been a situation in which he was friends with this person first, I might view it differently. But no...he pulled her over for a DUI one night. lol. They jumped into a relationship, he loved her, wanted to marry her...and she cheated. While I totally respect and agree with remaining civil with ex's (no sense making enemies or carrying hatred), I think that's as far as it needs to go IF you're moving on with your life. I.E. One of my ex's called me day before V-day when he found out I had been laid off. When he asked what I was doing (hadn't talked to him in quite a long time) I said "baking heart shaped muffins for my sweetie", didn't mince any words, didn't ask him anything about his life, and that was that. (And I told the new guy I was dating, THAT night that my ex had contacted me due to hearing about my job, so as to make sure I was keeping no secrets, no reason for doubt) Because you see, he cheated on me....with his ex. After telling me they were just friends, and all that ho ha, I found out that for probably 8 out of 12 mths he was cheating on me, WITH her. So why do I have use to check on him? Wish him happy holidays? Find out how things in his life are going? I don't.....I care for him as a human, want good for him, but it's not my place to check up on him. Especially not when I have someone else in my life that deserves a chance, free and clear of baggage.
I wanted full understanding, instead of giving me that, he insulted me. My thought, I made very clear after date 1 how I felt, what I want, what I don't want.....and he assured me "Oh I don't talk to her!". He could've been honest then and been a man, told me how he really feels....he didn't, he told me what he thought I wanted to hear to "get me". You must also understand, this is someone that has in a sense pressured me for a more serious relationship since 2 weeks in to dating me. This is someone who didn't want me to date anyone else. Someone who got jealous if a 50 yr old guy in a bar commented "she's beautiful". I was trying something new.... Friendship, Commitment, Intimacy...in that order. But I can't establish friendship with someone who isn't truthful with me. Because I always think "he who tells lies has something to hide". And it isn't fair to expect someone to let their guard down, commit to you, fall in love with you....if you can't be honest with them about the smallest things.

Kung Fu Kitty - I have never had one GOOD thing come from remaining "friends" with an ex. Any time I've ever had the strong desire to remain "friends" was because I still had unresolved feelings....still kept a little string of hope that he'd realize his love for me and want me back. And any time any of my ex's have tried to be "friends" with me, it was because they still had feelings for me.

My thoughts, there are ALWAYS exceptions to any rule, but for this one, to me there are very few exceptions. Past is past for a reason. An ex is an ex for a reason. And if you meet someone new, and you really like them and want to pursue it, then HONESTY should be required. Tell me up front how it is, then give me the option to choose it or not to choose it. Don't lie to me, tell me what you think will keep me around, and then let me find out you've been untruthful.

**Kung Fu Kitty** · 03-01-2009 05:48 PM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Kung Fu Kitty - I have never had one GOOD thing come from remaining "friends" with an ex. Any time I've ever had the strong desire to remain "friends" was because I still had unresolved feelings....still kept a little string of hope that he'd realize his love for me and want me back. And any time any of my ex's have tried to be "friends" with me, it was because they still had feelings for me.

My thoughts, there are ALWAYS exceptions to any rule, but for this one, to me there are very few exceptions. Past is past for a reason. An ex is an ex for a reason. And if you meet someone new, and you really like them and want to pursue it, then HONESTY should be required. Tell me up front how it is, then give me the option to choose it or not to choose it. Don't lie to me, tell me what you think will keep me around, and then let me find out you've been untruthful.

well said.

**Celeste** · 03-01-2009 06:11 PM

Just because there have been some isolated instance of bad things happening due to somebody being friend with their ex, does not mean that's always how it is by any means. I am still VERY good friends with one particular ex, and on good terms with two others and will still talk to them any time I see them. I have an awesome friendship with the ex that I'm very good friends with. We have always just decided to keep it on a friends level, and if my significant other trusts me and has never had a problem with it. It's all individual trust.

If you can't trust the person your with, then of course you'll be weird about them still being friend with their ex. If you CAN trust them, then it's absolutely no big deal. And trust issues can come from either end.

In my opinion, he wasn't being totally out of line. However he definitley should have told you the truth up front, since he didn't take damages his trust capacity. But being friends with ex's can be just fine. I've been doing it for years, and have had several other boyfriends since that ex. I will not be told who I can and cannot be friends with, that is control. I showed my boyfriends that they could trust me, and so everything was fine.

It just depends.

**Kung Fu Kitty** · 03-01-2009 07:33 PM

if you have no issues keeping your exes in your life,good for you. but there are 2 sides to every story,perhaps your ex doesnt feel the same way,and just like BD said... is going along with the "just friends" scenerio because he still has feelings for you.
i myself cannot shut off my feelings overnight,and have started shutting down my boyfriends after a break up. i make it clear we will NOT remain friends,and will not be contacting each other period.it may sound harsh,but i need time to move on and get over it... and so does he. how can you get over losing somebody you love when they are still in your life? would you stick your hand in a pot of boiling water right after shutting the stove off? no you wont,because its still too hot. come back and hour later and its cooled off enough to tolerate..same with love.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-01-2009 08:30 PM

Celeste - I believe that if he had been honest with me from the front this would be different. I WANT the kind of relationship that I can trust fully, but lets be honest, they're hard to find. I have never been in ONE, not one relationship where the person didn't lie to me about detrimental things. Trust me, I'd love it....I want it, I'm ready for it. But yes, because of my past, I DO know what I don't want.......and what I want. What I want is someone who will tell me the truth, even if it hurts...even if I disagree.

I won't be told who I can be friends with either....but it's because I trust myself, I know I'm not a cheater. I'm honest and open about who I talk to....and I assume that if I'm chit chatting with an ex and am not open about it, and my BF finds out, he's going to have every right to be upset and doubt me. I don't desire to be friends with my ex's, (I"m talking about people I've dated for 1 yr or more) because well one of them is married now.....and one of them cheated on me. He cheated for an extended period of time, therefore he was deceitful, careless with my feelings, and had no regard for someone that he knew loved him unconditionally.......so no, I don't care to be his friend. But that's just me and that's just one situation. I think dating someone you were friends with first, dating for a bit and realizing you're better friends is one thing and a very different thing than the situation I'm addressing. And remaining friends with someone you dated for 3 or 4 mths is different than keeping contact with someone you were in love with and wanted to marry, but got dumped. Know what I mean?

It all goes back to the honesty thing. The inconsistancy of saying one thing one time and something totally different the next time. Leaves me wondering "which one do I believe?" because they both aren't the truth. Ya know? If he had been honest and open, my feelings would've been different. Because he wasn't, left me wondering what he has to hide. If thats overanalyzing, I guess I'm guilty but it's the way I feel to the core of me.

(Geez, sorry these are so long....apparently I'm somewhat passionate about this right now. lol)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2009 10:25 PM

I wanted full understanding, instead of giving me that, he insulted me. My thought, I made very clear after date 1 how I felt, what I want, what I don't want.....and he assured me "Oh I don't talk to her!". He could've been honest then and been a man, told me how he really feels....he didn't, he told me what he thought I wanted to hear to "get me". You must also understand, this is someone that has in a sense pressured me for a more serious relationship since 2 weeks in to dating me. This is someone who didn't want me to date anyone else. Someone who got jealous if a 50 yr old guy in a bar commented "she's beautiful". I was trying something new.... Friendship, Commitment, Intimacy...in that order. But I can't establish friendship with someone who isn't truthful with me.

Well as I said you have your head screwed on the right way but bugger woman when people tell half a story, i get half the "gut feeling" when they tell it all.... Then I hear it...

And, I hear you.

And, I agree with "It's his loss"...

I also think that liers are the pits... Especially to get someone.... So, I'm pleased that you were causious, SO PLEASED you didn't get to spend that night with him.....

CW

**WildChild** · 03-01-2009 10:32 PM

Some people do stay friends and it works just fine but then why not be up front about it? My guess is that there have been a number of things that indicate a poor match, which you may not be fully conscious of but have added to your reaction to this situation.
Interesting that he is so strong about this but hasn't been in other areas?

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