Popping the question (no, not the one you think)

**golden_nemesis** · 03-09-2009 12:09 PM

So I have been in my current relationship for a little over 4 months now. Everything is absolutely amazing. He is generous, thoughtful, stable job, car, his own house, incredible sex partner, wonderful sense of humor, love his friends, yada yada yada.

My conundrum is that my lease runs out in less than 3 months, at the end of May, and I would really, really, REALLY love to move in with him at that time. How should I bring it up? I wasn't really planning on trying to broach the subject till April at the earliest, but I am just trying to figure out how to approach the issue. We are pretty good at communicating honestly and directly with each other, but I feel like this is a delicate issue, and I don't want to push him into something that he's not comfortable with. Should I just mention every now and then that my lease is out in May, complain freely about my roommate (so dropping hints)? Or should I just go in for the kill and ask if I can move in?

I have never been in a live-in relationship, so just don't know how to proceed from this point. I would appreciate any advice from you lovely ladies, and heck, I'd like male input too!

**kms** · 03-09-2009 12:24 PM

Well, I had a similiar situation last year - what I did was take advantage of the fact that guys like to give advice, troubleshoot, and solve problems.

I talked a lot about how my lease was going to run out, I wasn't sure where I would live because I needed to find a cheaper place somehow, I didn't have anyone that I could live with, I was so stressed out and worried about what to do, blah blah blah.... he took the bait, started thinking, and then tentatively said 'well you could move in with me, but here are all the issues that might come up as a result' (like my family finding out and raising h* for one, what to do with his then-current roommate, etc.).

So my advice is to try that route; let him come up with the solution to your problem. If he doesn't take the hint and offer to let you move in with him, you may have to be a bit more direct (i.e. bring up friends that have recently moved in - with approving commentary - "she's so lucky that her situation was resolved AND she gets to see her bf every day!"). See how that goes. This way you can feel him out and see how he responds and if he seems open to the idea. From there you may be able to just bring it up point-blank - or you may determine that he's skittish about it, or that his family might not like it, etc.

**golden_nemesis** · 03-09-2009 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by kms

Well, I had a similiar situation last year - what I did was take advantage of the fact that guys like to give advice, troubleshoot, and solve problems.

I talked a lot about how my lease was going to run out, I wasn't sure where I would live because I needed to find a cheaper place somehow, I didn't have anyone that I could live with, I was so stressed out and worried about what to do, blah blah blah.... he took the bait, started thinking, and then tentatively said 'well you could move in with me, but here are all the issues that might come up as a result' (like my family finding out and raising h* for one, what to do with his then-current roommate, etc.).

So my advice is to try that route; let him come up with the solution to your problem. If he doesn't take the hint and offer to let you move in with him, you may have to be a bit more direct (i.e. bring up friends that have recently moved in - with approving commentary - "she's so lucky that her situation was resolved AND she gets to see her bf every day!"). See how that goes. This way you can feel him out and see how he responds and if he seems open to the idea. From there you may be able to just bring it up point-blank - or you may determine that he's skittish about it, or that his family might not like it, etc.

Giving it all a gradual build-up sounds like a good plan. I believe he would probably pick up on it pretty quick. Dude, he might even be thinking of it now but is too nervous to ask. I am really anxious about housing anyway, because I won't have enough money left over from my loans to cover rent, especially since my program requires me to work full-time for free doing and internship for a month! So it won't take much acting to make it look like I have a problem. I should add that I would offer to pay his utilities, buy groceries, etc, I just don't have the means to have the full $1500 I would need to cover rent for this summer.

I don't think there should be any family issues. He's 26, and has been living on his own since he was 18, so while he does respect and love his family, it has been well-established that he is the master of his own realm, so to speak. They respect his decisions. Plus, they like me. :-) I don't really think his parents even questioned his sister all that much when she decided to move in with her then-boyfriend when she was 20. While that didn't really work out well (they got married, had a child, and she ended up leaving him and taking out a restraining order because he was abusing her), they let her make her own decisions.

And I know its definitely not an issue for my family. After I had been dating him for about a month and a half, my dad came to visit me for a weekend and met him. When I was driving my dad to the airport for his flight home, dad said "Well, when are you guys moving in together?" So dad is a fan. Mom might not be thrilled, but she knows better than to get in my way when I care about something. It hasn't worked well for her in the past.

**jago** · 03-10-2009 02:32 PM

Originally Posted by kms

so my advice is to try that route; let him come up with the solution to your problem.

/qft :d

**WildChild** · 03-10-2009 02:42 PM

You've only been together for 4 months. Don't you think you might go month to month on your lease and give this more time? You aren't past the infatuation phase by a long shot yet. People often jump in too fast and kill what needed time to grow and deepen.

**jago** · 03-10-2009 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

You've only been together for 4 months. Don't you think you might go month to month on your lease and give this more time? You aren't past the infatuation phase by a long shot yet. People often jump in too fast and kill what needed time to grow and deepen.

If she does what kms suggested, she will be killing 2 birds with one stone:

1. He is going to help find a new place for the OP; he may even ask her if she wants to move in...
2. If he does not ask her to move in, it will let her get an idea of how attached or committed he is to her. Obviously if he says something like "oh I found a nice place for you to stay", it will mean he still wishes to take things a little slower than what her.

**golden_nemesis** · 03-10-2009 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

You've only been together for 4 months. Don't you think you might go month to month on your lease and give this more time? You aren't past the infatuation phase by a long shot yet. People often jump in too fast and kill what needed time to grow and deepen.

By the point of no return, ie end of May, we will have been together for 7 months. While it is not a huge difference, its still better than 4. Also, I have never been known for hasty decisions. I will only do this if I feel completely confident about it. I usually have a good nose for trouble.

And the month to month idea does sound nice, but my landlord is not keen on the idea. 1 year leases only. If it wasn't for that fact, I wouldn't even really be focusing that much on moving this May, but as it is, I would end up waiting till May 2010, which seems a very long time away. I know, I know, I'm young, its not that long, just seems like an eternity.

**countrygirl49** · 03-10-2009 05:01 PM

I moved in with my boyfriend after three months. I wasn't getting along with my roommate at the time and was also spending a lot of time with my bf. So he suggested I move in with him. I wanted to but was also reluctant because we hadn't known one another for very long and I hadn't ever lived with anyone, but I loved him so much! We were still in the lovey-dovey stage so it seemed everything would be great. Then the future rolls around and you know a LOT more about a person and they know a LOT more about you, and sometimes, like in my case, it can become a tough sitation. If you have taken on even a few joint responsibilities it becomes even harder if you contemplate moving out. Looking back now, I really wished I had waited at LEAST six months, if not a year, to get to know one another better before moving in. Now, after two years, it is a hard situation to be in.

So my suggestion would be to wait and get to know one another a bit better. But that's just my opinion. I didn't want to throw any negativity out there, but just wanted to share.

Otherwise, everyone has good suggestions posted! Good luck!

**Iseulda** · 03-10-2009 05:50 PM

I unerstand the softly, softly approach the others are suggesting but I must say it could so very easily be interpreted as manipulation. I, for one, HATE being manipulated - I try my very hardest not to indulge in behaviour that I find undesirable in others, so my advice to the OP has to be just to say directly to your bf - 'My lease is up in May, one solution to my housing needs would be for us to move in together and I'd like to know how you feel about that'. Let him speak first - that way if he seems wary at least you haven't gushed for half an hour about how cool you think it would be. If he asks you what you think before he comments then be ready with a not too extensive list of pluses and quite a short list of minuses (even if that's just 2 things, he's needs to hear it so he knows you've thought about it realistically).

Honestly and a straightforward approach is the only way to go, IMO. Good luck.

**golden_nemesis** · 03-10-2009 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by Iseulda

I unerstand the softly, softly approach the others are suggesting but I must say it could so very easily be interpreted as manipulation. I, for one, HATE being manipulated - I try my very hardest not to indulge in behaviour that I find undesirable in others, so my advice to the OP has to be just to say directly to your bf - 'My lease is up in May, one solution to my housing needs would be for us to move in together and I'd like to know how you feel about that'. Let him speak first - that way if he seems wary at least you haven't gushed for half an hour about how cool you think it would be. If he asks you what you think before he comments then be ready with a not too extensive list of pluses and quite a short list of minuses (even if that's just 2 things, he's needs to hear it so he knows you've thought about it realistically).

Honestly and a straightforward approach is the only way to go, IMO. Good luck.

See, this sounds a lot more like my style, LOL. I have never been good at a roundabout approach. I am blunt to a fault. However, I am also a coward, so this kind of terrifies me.

By the way, just wanted to say thank you for everyone who has replied to my post so far. Lots of good food for thought and considerations. I really appreciate it!

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