Miserable, Break up!

**Lrgjake3** · 03-10-2009 12:35 AM

Im not sure what to do, Ive dated my girlfriend for a good 4 years. We, no prob. more like I have commitment issues! Were always breaking up with each other although I know i love her. Im not sure she is you know "the one" but i know i do love her. This past week before the weekend i asked for a break just to think things through. She had stated that she didnt believe in breaks and it was all or nothing. I didnt want a break to hook up with anyone else or to see diffrent things but i really needed to get my head together. So in the end of it all we broke up, We've had major issues in the past but have gotten through them. Im not quite sure what to do, the thing is i dont feel so good when im with her. She makes me feel like im not as good as her, like she could move on at any time and make me wait there. She doesnt do this on purpose but i just feel this way because its constant whenever we break up there is another guy to scoop her up like she had them on standbye. Ive been told im a "hot" guy but sometimes it doesnt mean it when a girlfriend is telling u that. I need the girls to gawk, and lets face it women don't mak eit obvious when they think a man is good looking. So basically my self esteem is just way to low and its not her fault but i know its not right when i feel miserable while im with her. Friends say i should take her along untill i find something better and thats definatly not me, i cant do that id rather be hurt more than do that to someone. So im not really sure what my question is, but im looking for advice from someone maybe that has been in a similar situation.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-10-2009 04:36 AM

Her having a guy waiting in the wings is likely her own insecurity issues. She doesn't want her heart broken so she is trying to show you that you are replacable, probably hoping this will keep you from jumping ship and afraid to lose her.

Her reaction to not understanding a reason for a technical break is common. Taking time to clear your head can also happen within the walls of a relationship - one doesnt need to 'end it' just to think on things. So it really comes off as an excuse to be with someone else or a trial seperation to see if you feel better without her, making her insecure that you would even want to find out. Do you know what I mean?

If she is causing you to think low of yourself , though not doing or saying anything to literally cause it - you have some things to work out on your very own. You can't let your fear of losing someone effect your ability to enjoy them. What is the point in that? Why not just be happy that they choose you to spend their time with, and realize that if there is ever a point they want not to be with you, the hours you spend worrying about it wont have mattered one bit, they will leave. So don't worry about the milk that is resting fine in the fridge, thinking about the day your going to drop it and spill it and cry. It's in the fridge, its fine... if it happens it happens, but don't waste your worries on it.

**WildChild** · 03-10-2009 11:32 AM

Sounds like you may both have self esteem issues. She apparently finds subtle ways of putting you down and you want the girls to gawk! What are you good at? What can you get better at? Personally (I know I'm just one woman) there is nothing more attractive than competency and quiet self assurance. I love watching someone, male or female, doing what they are good at! Especially if it is obvious that they enjoy it. Self consciousness and contrived effort aren't as interesting unless you are obviously working at doing something special just to please someone - then the effort is very appreciated.

Take some time to work on yourself. Strengthen areas where you feel you are weak. Indulge in some things you are good at and enjoy. Put some extra effort into work or school, find some time for a hobby, sport or to develop an interest. Get out in the world and be social but don't have your radar out, just work on getting comfortable with who you are and with interacting with others. You aren't a user or an abuser and that is good, give it some time and I bet you'll find someone who will light up your life.

**jago** · 03-10-2009 12:08 PM

Dude I can relate to what you're saying. Men don't usually get complimented by women even when in relationships. I think maybe deep down you want her to show you or tell you she's deeply into you.

There's no such thing as the "one", someone who will just fit like a glove or a missing piece in a puzzle. You both need to work together to keep up the relationship.

**WildChild** · 03-10-2009 02:12 PM

Jago, that's a good point and one that both genders need to remember. We all like to be appreciated and complimented! Thank you for the reminder.

**Lrgjake3** · 03-11-2009 01:37 PM

Hopeless thank u so much i really liked the milk analogy it made alot of sense. Yes, i realize that most of it is my own insecurities and have work to do on it. Im not quiet sure what to do though i dont want to drag her along while i try to figure out what and how i feel. She is truly beautiful, and really could have anyone she wants. Sometimes its tough to wonder why she wants me. I think that partially due to the fact that our communication at the beginning of our relationship (the first 2 years) was really low. She couldnt express or show any love or care to me and that was an insecurity of hers, but really i know its a problem that i have to face im just not quiet sure how to build my own confidence and realize i do deserve someone like this or someone at all.

**Lrgjake3** · 03-11-2009 01:41 PM

To all thanx for your posts, sometimes its really good to be heard especially when no one around cant really understand what your going through at that specific moment. Glad to be able to find people who can relate, or just have advice. Thank you all!

**lovemyself1** · 03-16-2009 06:06 AM

as far as "the one" i think you can make a relationship work if you love that person and are willing to put the effort in. it sounds a little stressful if you guys are breaking up all the time. maybe you have to make a conscious decision to stick with it and not break up every other week. maybe try couples therapy or some seminars on relationships or a book.... if you love her and she's worth the effort....TRY!!!

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