Friend w/ Benefits or more?

**robynskrum** · 03-11-2009 02:27 PM

Has any one else ever had a friend with benefits turn into something more meaningful?
I wrote about a week ago about seeming to date two men at once and spoke of "Tad" in "tangled up in blue" but now my heart is ACHING! I'm afraid I've just set myself up for a major fall.
Speaking of falling....
I keep spending the night with my "friend with benefits" where we have amazing sex and talk all night. Recently it's been almost every other night that one of stays with the other. I have been having a hard enough time as it is not falling for him as it is the best sex i've ever had and has the cutest face i've ever seen....but last night we got on the subject of what we wanted in our futures. It took all of my strength to keep myself from telling him how I really felt about him when he told me his dreams. Word for word he described the life I have many times said was what would make me most content. We both dream of building a home and farm off the grid where we can be completely sustainable on our own. Just like me he wants 2 or 3 kids, animals, and a place to create art. Hearing his dreams last night made me think that maybe he is the guy I've been waiting for.
Then he snapped me back to reality when he later said " well you're not dating me...you're just f'ing me" I'm not sure if it was a jibe to get me thinking and talking about it but all I could say was "oh...snap..." and then...silence. My heart was in my throat and all I couldn't even look at him so I quickly changed the subject and asked him what he knew about time travel (I panicked!)
I'm treading lightly because he just recently got out of a relationship and I don't want to put pressure on him. But every night i spend with him I think I'm just putting myself that much closer to heartache! What do I do? What can I say to let him know I'm not thinking of him as just a casual bed partner anymore. How do I know I won't blow it completely if I share my true feelings. Is it best to just let it take it's natural course? I wish I could read minds! I've got it so bad for this guy... I just don't want it to end ...ever....help!

**Iseulda** · 03-14-2009 07:27 PM

There is no right answer to this.

I haven't been in that position for a long while, but I have been in the past, twice. Once I said something - told him I was falling in love with him. The other time (the earlier of the two situations) I said nothing and just carried on being his fwb. Neither relationship went anywhere - neither guy fell in love with me. But you know what? The second time - the time when I did tell him how I felt - went a heck of a lot better that the first. At least when I got my heartbroken it was with eyes wide open.

Time and time again life teaches me that honesty is generally the best way to go. If you don't talk to him this could go on for months, years even - you'll invest so much emotion in him to the detriment of other relationships and it may be all for nothing. If you do talk to him, well, you may get what you want, you may get your heart broken there on the spot or you may get what happened to me, a relationship that drifted on and off based on mutual, but very different, needs - and at the end you get your heart broken anyway. But at least you will both know what you are doing.

Talk to him. What you have to lose is worth gambling for what it sounds like you may have to gain.

**covemama** · 03-16-2009 12:38 AM

me and my husband started off just like u two, we were just sleepin together, then hed start spending the night at my house, Then one morning i woke up and i asked myself what the i was doin and i told him that we cant sleep together anymore, of course he asked why and i told him i wanted more he said he couldnt be my boyfriend cause he wasnt ready for a realtionship,, i smiled and went on my way,,, yes i was heartbroken,,,,we still talked as friends and hung out then all of a sudden on day he laid it out talkn about he cant stand to be without me and he was ready for the next step ,,,, i guess sweetie anything is possible but u wont know unless u say something

**robynskrum** · 03-16-2009 03:45 PM

Thanks, that gives me hope that just because it starts off this way doesn't mean that's all there can be to it. In fact, I was ready to go ahead with the " I can't sleep with you anymore because I like you too much" speech until he picked me up saturday morning for an adventure of hiking and we spent hours along the river talking and laughing. This was great but as the day wore into night we watched a movie and he even took me out to a nice resteraunt but then when he dropped me off around 10pm so he could go to a co-workers party it was just "that was fun see ya later" Not even a single kiss all day. I spent the entire next day wishing i could have kissed him and finding the boundaries excruciating. I thought now this seems like it was the friendship without the benefit part but then he came over last night and before I knew it we were panting and holding each other after a spontaneous romp. Its either one or the other and not the swirl that was happening before. Am i right to think he sensed that I was confusing our relationship? I worry that I will be too weak and will just go on with whatever he wants at the moment. Every time I try to be honest with him about my feelings I seem to literally lose my voice. Nothing will come out.

**covemama** · 03-17-2009 09:38 PM

you will be alright if its meant to be then it will happen who knows he might feel the same way and dsnt know how to say anything either u wont know unless u say something

**higherroad** · 03-24-2009 09:45 AM

from what i have learned through some good counseling is that emotional intimacy needs to be developed before sexual intimacy. if you dont then the sexual intimacy just bypasses the emotional intimacy.

a good sex life is important, but by no means should that be the main factor. if you have the connection and feel comfortable it will fall in place. as kms explained sometimes it has to come in baby steps.

but dont let good sex cloud your perception of a healthy relationship. from a guys standpoint, if its just about a sexual connection thats not good for anyone especially if you want a healthy relationship.

so many people replace sex for love.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-24-2009 04:55 PM

Once a Woman sleeps with a man, she feels that she has bonded. Let's face it, she has given her body to a man and as such, all of a sudden, respect, love, lust, want, desire all comes to peak.

And, much like the Lion kingdom, she then attaches herself to this new partner.

However, a man can sleep with a woman purely for sex and laughter and be content with no such feelings.

It's a dangerous game in my "Opinion", "Friends with Benefits", as in general it is the female that gets hurt, even when it has been discussed at the inset, it's only "friends" buddies, nothing more....

If you don't want to get burnt, don't play with the fire.

To get a man to want you outside of the bedroom, is not easy, when he hasn't gotten to know you first for you, yourself, rather sexually.

CW

**higherroad** · 03-24-2009 05:21 PM

cw you are right on.

but dont assume that is for all men.

some men have been through the whole realm of experience, and they soon realize its about quality not quantity.

it reminds me of a movie with robert duvall where he is proud to have made to only one woman. theres a certain honor in that.

look at john wooden the most prolific basketball coach. he has only loved one woman his whole live and still writes her a love letter every month on their anniversary.

loving one woman completely is much more noble than loving many.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-24-2009 05:58 PM

cw you are right on.

but dont assume that is for all men.

I generalise on the basis of a theory of 45 years of knowledge of "girlfriends" and with what I have read here over the months.... haha..

Age i believe plays a huge part in those thought patterns, like you, I understand that men at some point in time prefer the quality of a woman, more so than the quantity of women, guess that means that they have finally grown up?

lol.

CW

**chica** · 03-26-2009 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by robynskrum

Has any one else ever had a friend with benefits turn into something more meaningful?
I wrote about a week ago about seeming to date two men at once and spoke of "Tad" in "tangled up in blue" but now my heart is ACHING! I'm afraid I've just set myself up for a major fall.
Speaking of falling....
I keep spending the night with my "friend with benefits" where we have amazing sex and talk all night. Recently it's been almost every other night that one of stays with the other. I have been having a hard enough time as it is not falling for him as it is the best sex i've ever had and has the cutest face i've ever seen....but last night we got on the subject of what we wanted in our futures. It took all of my strength to keep myself from telling him how I really felt about him when he told me his dreams. Word for word he described the life I have many times said was what would make me most content. We both dream of building a home and farm off the grid where we can be completely sustainable on our own. Just like me he wants 2 or 3 kids, animals, and a place to create art. Hearing his dreams last night made me think that maybe he is the guy I've been waiting for.
Then he snapped me back to reality when he later said " well you're not dating me...you're just f'ing me" I'm not sure if it was a jibe to get me thinking and talking about it but all I could say was "oh...snap..." and then...silence. My heart was in my throat and all I couldn't even look at him so I quickly changed the subject and asked him what he knew about time travel (I panicked!)
I'm treading lightly because he just recently got out of a relationship and I don't want to put pressure on him. But every night i spend with him I think I'm just putting myself that much closer to heartache! What do I do? What can I say to let him know I'm not thinking of him as just a casual bed partner anymore. How do I know I won't blow it completely if I share my true feelings. Is it best to just let it take it's natural course? I wish I could read minds! I've got it so bad for this guy... I just don't want it to end ...ever....help!

I had a FWB turn into a 3 year relationship...It wasnt all that bad but it wasnt all that good. He I dont think ever looked at me more than just that. I did love him deeply at one point. But after the rollercoaster relationship, and the heartbreak he put me through I ended it about two years ago. I wanted marriage, and basically "forced" it on him. We bought the ring, and after many fights, and things it just wasnt worth it anymore. He never really respected me, but then again I never really demanded it from him.

You need to be honest with your feelings. When I told my now ex about how I felt, it took him almost 3 or 4 months, to really want a relationship with me. And it went basically something like...we were just laying in bed, having finished our "time together" and we started talking about when we went out with our mutual friends over the weekend. He got jealous of some guy flirting with me, and I told him laying there in bed, that he acted more like a boyfriend, then just a straight sexual partner. And he "agreed" to be in a relationship with me...oh so romantic. Him and I had similar personalities, where I was a major sarcastic person, and so was he. We shared interests in cars, and some movies. We both liked sports, never really watched anything. Basically him and I got to know each other after we started a relationship. He was difficult. He would always make me feel worse than I should have. Now there was some good in him, he every so often would do something nice for me. But I never felt good enough for him, I guess because he never really saw me. He would either just be there, and play his stupid video games, or work at home. He was in IT work, so it was mobile.

The last straw with my ex, wasnt that he was going to dump me, after I terminated a pregnancy, but when he told two of his ex friends he wanted to sleep with them. My point is, he needs to learn to respect you first, before you can be in a relationship If you choose to tell him how you feel, then stop the sex and get to know each other first. I know my ex very well, and thats mostly only because I pay attention to how people act, and react to different things. I studied him I guess...I would be honest with him , and tell him how you feel. And leave the ball in his court. As you have heard before if he doesnt return the feelings he is not worth your time. You cant change him, and probably wont. I didnt change my ex. My ex changed after he lost me, and had his heart broken. He finally knew what it was like to be me.

Basically if he says he doesnt want a relationship. I would go no contact simply becuase it might help your situation, and it might end it. But if you keep praying and staying in this FWB relatiionship, hoping he will want you as his girlfriend, and it never happens, it might be just hurting you in the long run.

Good luck to you, I told you my bad story because I just wanted you to know the best of both worlds. My ex wasnt all that bad, he just wasnt right for me, and was too immature to have a relationship.

Demand respect, but do it in a lady like manner. If he says no, you say no and more on.

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