pocari

So, I have been wondering for days regarding this matter, I am in a Long Distance Relationship with a guy, too far to see each other everyday or ever weekend.... so we communicate by yeah you know, online, chatting.

And he is planning to visit me in April, I dont mind of course, I am excited. but then when I was searching his name over internet on whitepages.com... there I found his name, his address (he told me once and the address is the same one)... I was surprised when I saw the "household" section. It mentions a name of a woman whose last name is the same last name like him... I was shocked and not trying to think negative cuz it could be his sister or mother's name. then I asked him, he was like:

................

me (12:47 PM): do u know xxxx xxxxx?
him (12:47 PM): lol im glad
me (12:47 PM): xxxx xxxxxx?
me (12:47 PM): ya
him (12:47 PM): cant say that i do Y
me (12:48 PM): why not?
him (12:48 PM): what do you mean Y not
him (12:48 PM): lol
me (12:48 PM): i mean why u dont know that name
me (12:48 PM): lol
him (12:48 PM): cause i dont know that name silly
him (12:49 PM): should i
me (12:49 PM): u serious?
him (12:49 PM): yes
him (12:49 PM): should i know that name
me (12:49 PM): idk
me (12:49 PM): maybe u know
me (12:49 PM): but u said u dont
him (12:50 PM): lmao ok what are you thinking
him (12:50 PM): tell me
me (12:50 PM): what do u think what im thinking?
him (12:50 PM): dont know
him (12:50 PM): what are you thinking
him (12:51 PM): tell me silly
me (12:51 PM): could be someone you know
me (12:51 PM): thats all
him (12:52 PM): lmao are you tring 2 check up on me
me (12:52 PM): and lol if i do so whats wrong?
him (12:53 PM): nothing is wrong nerd
me (12:53 PM): (I gave him the link to whitepages)
me (12:53 PM): then explain me who is xxxx xxxxxx
him (12:54 PM): hold on let me look
me (12:54 PM): sure
him (12:56 PM): i dont know who that is
me (12:57 PM): ha
me (12:57 PM): k
him (12:57 PM): but whatever if your not going 2 belive me i cant make you
me (12:57 PM): true
him (12:58 PM): ok so what are you tring 2 say
me (12:58 PM): nadda
me (12:58 PM): lmao
him (12:58 PM): whatever
him (1:01 PM): bye for good
me (1:02 PM): youre silly
him (1:02 PM): Y am i silly
me (1:03 PM): cuz u said bye for good
me (1:03 PM): what for
me (1:03 PM): no use
him (1:03 PM): no use ?
him (1:03 PM): Y is that
me (1:03 PM): y saying bye for good?
him (1:03 PM): cause you dont belive me so im done
him (1:03 PM): i give up
me (1:05 PM): theres always a way to prove. theres always a reason to tell. if you dont know that name how come it is on white pages? maybe its the name of your mom/sister/someone,etc,etc.
me (1:06 PM): my mother name is Nancy and she is dead
me (1:06 PM): thanks for telling me
him (1:06 PM): yeah ok
me (1:06 PM): at least now i know you mom's name
him (1:07 PM): omg
him (1:07 PM): look i really like you but i am done that is not right
me (1:07 PM): and?
him (1:08 PM): bye im blocking you now
me (1:08 PM): you silly
me (1:08 PM): bye
me (1:08 PM): if youre getting mad cuz of this youre silly
him (1:08 PM): im married
him (1:08 PM): is that what you want 2 hear
him (1:09 PM): maybe a lie will make you happy
me (1:09 PM): is it wrong to ask/. tell me is it wrong to ask smth i dont know?
him (1:09 PM): and i told you and you did not belive me
me (1:09 PM): is it wrong to ask for explanation?
him (1:09 PM): no its not
him (1:09 PM): but i dont have one
me (1:09 PM): then who is xxxx xxxxxx?
him (1:10 PM): f*** if i know
him (1:10 PM): how many times do i have 2 tell you that
him (1:10 PM): omg
me (1:10 PM): so
him (1:10 PM): so?
me (1:10 PM): i am assuming it is your dad's wife...... another wife
him (1:10 PM): no i bought this house
him (1:11 PM): i told you i dont know that name
me (1:11 PM): you know everything needs proof you re a lawyer, and i am forcing myself to believe maybe xxxx xxxxxxx is a ghost
me (1:11 PM): ok
him (1:12 PM): yeah ok
me (1:12 PM): case closed
him (1:12 PM): lmao
himy (1:12 PM): im going 2 go i hate when we are like this
him (1:12 PM): good night
me(1:12 PM): ya just go
me (1:12 PM): night
him (1:13 PM): now look who is mad
him (1:13 PM): ya just go lol
me (1:13 PM): said u wanna go,k ya just go
him (1:13 PM): fine then
me (1:14 PM): i hope you can think what if you were in my position.
me (1:14 PM): good night

sorry for posting the chat, it was a long chat I know. we made up... but I am not done with the case yet, now I'm thinking am I stupid? the whitepages clearly shows that there are two households who lives there, he sayd he lives alone, and it is not the name of his wife since he is not married yet (at least thats what he told me), or not his sister, nor his mother....and he doesnt know who is that name..... he told me that

... Is he lying and I'm just stupid or just some error from white pages? I cant believe him altho I want to. I just cant bear the fact that he doesnt know that name.

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CHANDLERS WISH

mmm.. he's quick in closing the subject I am thinking.

He's not saying babe why did you even look? What are you worried about? You are silly?

He's kind of covering I am thinking sorry but I don't know white pages, and what it shows but he seems to be too defensive and not, caring about how your thinking, rather covering.

OMG, well that's how I am thinking

You are in a relationship whereby you haven't been where he lives? Then make plan (A) to go there, then you will truly find out, or at least say you are and see what he says, say Miss you baby sorry for all of that, guess what? I have a plane ticket and I can come out and see you, I have saved and well, didn't want to upset you in-case I couldn't but wow, I have saved it all and I can book, the flight, can't wait to see you I know your coming to see me, but I want to see your life and your surroundings so hold a bit,before you visit me, love you.




CW

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Hopeless Dork

Proceed with caution. If its a mix up , you are going to push him away. Imagine being innocent and have crazy accusations thrown at you - that is very stressful to anyone. However, if its not a mix up and you get yourself caught up in a web you could get hurt.

Are there any other indications that he could be married? Can he only talk to you a certain times of the day? Does he ever disconnect calls quickly without notice? Are you able to send him cards, things like that to his home? Are you able to call him at work?
Does anyone in his life know you are his girlfriend or are in any way aware of you?

Meeting people online can be as good of a place as any, but since you are long distance and he is coming to YOU and not the other way around you really have no idea what is going down on his end.

It will all come down to trust, and since you haven't been physically around him yet, you are basing all of your trust on his word alone with nothing else to back it up.. asking questions about his life should be okay in this situation. He should be trying to make you comfortable that he is A. Single and B. Not a maniac.

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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Chantalemma

Hopeless Dork:
Are there any other indications that he could be married? Can he only talk to you a certain times of the day? Does he ever disconnect calls quickly without notice? Are you able to send him cards, things like that to his home? Are you able to call him at work?
Does anyone in his life know you are his girlfriend or are in any way aware of you?

I totally agree. Be very carefull. It can be a mistake but be aware of the danger it might be. Do you have a more personal connection with him or is it just plain and simple.

Good luck

WildChild

The stats are that 1 in 8 marriages these days started online. But there are other stats that over half the people on dating sites are married or in a relationship. Doing some checking isn't a bad idea and someone who is above board shouldn't have a big problem with that. There are relationship experts that recommend you get a background and financial check on each other before you get in too deep. Have you actually met yet?

Does he own his own home? I don't know if you are in the US. If you are, you can research what county he is in, then go into the county records (these are public records) and see who's name the house is under. In many states you can also check the marriage records. Some people would find this distasteful or even inappropriate but times are changing. At one time people typically married within a 5 or 10 mile radius of where they lived, which was probably where they were born. That meant you knew or could easily find out everything about them and their family for generations. That isn't the case anymore, we are highly mobile not just in our own area, but world wide. Through the internet we are connecting with people we would have never made contact with in person. That opens the door to all kinds of wonderful connections but it also means you are going to run into some not so wonderful. You do need to protect yourself on several levels - personal safety, financial and emotional. In person, seeing someone regularly, being out and about with them where you can run into people who know you/know him, you will pick up clues if there is something amiss (even then people get messed up). Chatting online, is much iffier.

We are still learning how to deal with all this change in how relationships develop. Some people would take it for granted that you would do a check, other people are highly insulted. Do what you feel you need to do but personally I would tread lightly, pay the $40 or what ever and get a basic background check rather than engage in confrontation. This is the new reality. Unless we want to go back to families arranging relationships we need some sort of filter. If you are going to meet, let this man into your life, your space and your body, you need to know what you are dealing with before hand.

kms

Do you know anyone who lives around there? Who might be close enough to ask if they wouldn't mind driving by and just seeing what sort of activity is taking place at his house? I also wonder if you have any mutual friends? Anyone on his side know you're together? Is he secretive about certain things in his life, certain time frames when he's guarded, won't say much? Pay attention to what he's saying and most importantly what he's NOT saying. How long have you guys been together? Have you met anyone in his life, like friends or family members?

kms

just realized that all I did was ask a bunch of questions lol. Anyway, those are just some things to start considering so that you can figure out just how involved you are in his personal life, and how involved it seems he wants you (or doesn't want you). Again, pay attention to what's not being said because that means something. It may not mean anything sinister, like perhaps he simply forgot to mention something, but there's a reason nevertheless. You don't need to go accusing or attacking him, but as others have said, do some careful research and thought. Ask him nonthreatening questions to fill in the blanks about what you don't know about him. Don't show your cards and let on why you're asking. Don't push him to answer anything either - his reluctance to speak about certain things should also indicate something. You're just having a relaxed conversation, that's all. You can really get a lot from people when they feel comfortable and not threatened...