I need feedback from ya'll

**mymirrose** · 04-02-2009 10:08 AM

I have posted here a few times before, but only small things that I realize now, are part of the big picture. Or maybe I knew what was going to be said and didn't want to hear it at the time?
Well, here goes.... My soon-to-be ex, where do I start? I found out that he has been doing drugs (what I find amusing is, those were the times we DID have sex, which I complained about not getting enough in another thread!) Anyways, he has completely emptied our bank account, lied about it, let checks bounce etc. Stolen money out of my purse and disappeared all night, quite a few times. I finally lost it this week and layed down the rules of how, before he leaves, he was going to pull us out of the hole he had dug us. Then last night, I come home and he is all "I am so sorry, I will follow the rules, I won't do anymore drugs etc. etc." We had a nice talk (me telling him what I need from a relationship, him coming out and saying he can't give me all that I need, which I had already figured out, duh! Him telling me what he wants and needs "to be happy & not mad at anyone")Then after a couple beers while I was cooking dinner, he went into my purse, took the last $40 I had until payday, and disappeared for a few hours. I am done, I can't take it anymore. I have finally realized, I have terrible instincts, I have been fooling myself to think I can have what I want and need from him, now I just have to get out of this hole and go back to the way it was before I "fell off the side walk and got hit by the love truck". The sex thing will be difficult to forget about again, but , I did it once before, I can do it again, right?
Sorry so long, but I did try to shorten it. I will probably add more later, cause there is alot to add.

**WildChild** · 04-02-2009 11:48 PM

Oh Dear, what a wake up call, but try being glad that he made it so obvious! Taking your last few dollars right after you'd had that nice long chat should effectively cure you of any second thoughts.

Make copies of every and anything that you might need. Get him off all your credit cards immediately so he can't add to that debt load. Request yourself off his accounts as well. Get your own bank account that he can't access. I'd forget any possiblity that he will get you out of this hole, sounds like he's headed for a fall. I married too young my first time and he had some (shall we call them) control issues, like he couldn't keep his hands off other women, or the off the bong, or on a job. I've been there. I finally gave him a 6 month notice, separated our finances, paid off all the debt and moved out. These days with drugs involved and the search and seizure laws, I'd say kick him to the curb. You can't take the risk of losing everything. Not to mention the likelihood he'll pawn it or something.

You don't have to forget sex. Take care of yourself for a while - it's not like you are getting lots of it and it's great - you wouldn't have complained on that other thread if you were (LOL). Just get yourself free, give yourself some time to get back on your feet and get your balance and then you just may be surprised what is out there!

Keep your wits about you, people who are into drugs can be devious and difficult when you upset their apple cart. Be prepared for the possiblity of some drama.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-03-2009 12:39 AM

Your a good person, with a good head on your shoulders and you waited 7 years before, time is of no essense, excepting what you take from this, will make you realise what else you don't want and so, the next time you will find more of what you were looking for in total.

I guess we hate lessons only they are a necessity, maybe as you were engaged, the honesty and trust had to be there and it was abused in the worse way.

Obviously his addiction is "an addiction" to try to sort things out, say sorry then take your last "breathe", well that's what he did, if you need milk for your coffee, it's not there, that $40 was it and seeing as he drained your bank account, he knows that too.

He can't help himself and needs help badly but you don't need to stand by his side, rather, let him really see what he's done, doing to himself, done to you, and be on his own to swim and continuing being lost, or reach the beach on his own.

It will be tough for you to get back what is owed any time fast, but I hope it all comes back to you and I hope you don't back down because this is not something that he can change, he is an addict of a drug. And the drug aint love.....

CW

**mymirrose** · 04-03-2009 09:00 AM

Thank you both for your comments. WC, yes I can "take care of myself" but I have been doing that for a while, kind of tired of it, but anways. The bank accounts will be separated after I pay off all of the bounced checks (I talked to the bank yesterday). I took 3 names and phone numbers home last night of drug treatment centers, gave copies to him and told him he can either go to in-patient or go live somewhere else. Of course he told me he would call today, we will see, but a couple of police officers that I am friends with are planning on coming over tonight to "hang out" just in case. I have been beat up before, I am not letting it happen again. I just feel lost and alone right now, this is the exact thing that kept me from dating before and I take one chance and look!!!! I really think I have been fooling myself the whole time, I was told what I wanted to hear and was stupid enough to believe it would happen. Am I learning from this? Yes (hard lesson!) But what I am afraid I've learned is to not trust myself, and that is hard lesson to think about.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2009 09:58 AM

He beat you up and you stayed??!! That was a big NO. But it's past and nothing to be done for it now except make sure it never happens again.

Usually these people have to hit bottom before they are willing to start swimming back up. Whether think the marriage could be savable if he stops and cleans up, only you can say but you will have to make some unshakable, hard line rules and stick to them! That could include rehab, his moving out, staying clean, holding down a job and helping paying regular child support and then he can earn the priviledge of living with you and the family again. Or you can cut your losses and boot him to the curb - only you can decide that.

Many of us have had some hard lessons and some (read me) have blown it more than once - you aren't alone in that! I am really coming to see the wisdom in knowing someone at least two years before you commit to the point of living together or marrying. Get your stuff separate and keep it that way, you can't trust that he won't do this again and again. Drawing freinds around you is a very good idea too.

**mymirrose** · 04-03-2009 10:36 AM

Sorry WC, it was my first husband who hit me, not my current SO. I have just learned to plan ahead for it. (I am very well trained in that area!) Right now, I am at the point, where, as much as I would love to have a relationship with my SO, I can't. I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall, finally found out why it wasn't working, and now I have to re-assess all in my life. I know the broken heart will heal, I know I can pull myself out of this hole, I guess I am just tired of it all. I am actually waiting for the depression to kick in. I haven't been on meds for 3 years, now I am just waiting for that bomb to drop. It just feels like too much right now.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2009 11:42 AM

Oh No,no,no,no,no! Don't plan on it or anticipate it!!!! Life has ups and downs, you have to roll with it! I'm been through some crazy stuff, you wouldn't believe it all, It's ok to get a bit down, it's normal, it's part of the adjustment process. You are going through a change in your life. Look to the positive, stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel! Your happiness doesn't depend on this man or your relationship with any man! Yes, they can be delightful but don't give him the power to extingush your light! I know, I've cried my eyes out over this kind of stuff, have your cry, throw yourself a pity party and then you move on! I've dealt with men who were abusive in a variety of ways, a drug user, a multiple affairer (I know it's not a real word). You cry, you learn, you move on. As long as you keep growing as a person, as a woman, it's ok.

You have to get (and read - no good sitting on the table) The Heroine's Journey, it's my book of the months so to speak. Helped through a crisis several years ago and is helping me again! Do a search on Mama Gena, listen to the some of the women's stories - they will lift your heart, make you laugh and you'll recognize yourself in some of them too.

This is all part of the growth process. You can handle this! Don't beat yourself up, he is the loser, not you.

**mymirrose** · 04-03-2009 01:20 PM

Thank you, I am printing these replies out and hanging them on the wc mirror. I know I shouldn't beat myself up, but I knew, from past relationships, what to look out for, this one blind-sided me. I have to remember I am older, and have handled enough to keep myself from getting that "low" again. I can only keep going and come here to post, so ya'll can verbally "slap me up-side my head" when I start to think I can't do it.

**WildChild** · 04-03-2009 02:27 PM

Ya know, it's a sad thing but the great level maturity we thought adults have, when we were kids? It never quite seems to get there for some people does it? In fact not for most. At my 30 yr reunion I saw some people who had essentially become their parents, some who were still in HS emotionally and the rest just trying to figure it out still!

**mymirrose** · 04-15-2009 09:04 AM

Well, here is an update. Hemade the call to the rehab place that is local (I was surprised!) He can get in May 15th, insurance will pay most of it. He is staying in the third bedroom in the house, I've lock up all my valuables, I lock my purse and keys up everyday when I come home, so I have covered my things and he can't get to them. Now I only need to wait, but the tension is killing me. He is, I guess, going thru withdrawal, cause he doesn't have any money to get any drugs, but he stays in his room when he isn't working, which is nice for me, but he still manages to bring beer home from work some days. Those days are the worst, cause then he says and does mean things just to upset me. It is over and he knows that, but I don't understand why, when all I am trying to do is help him, he continues to do these things. He knows that he has no where and no one left to depend on, if I kicked him out today, he would be living on the street. I guess it is just easy to be mean to me cause I am here? I don't know.

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