Am I Being Replaced?

**leslee** · 04-04-2009 08:46 PM

I was using my boyfriends computer one day when something strange came up in the search browser. I found that he had been visiting mail order bride sites. I went into his history and worked out that he had only been going back to the sites after we had an arguement. As we have not been together very long I was able to go back a few months to find he had been using the site frequently before we met and stopped a few weeks into our relationship. but has been back to the sites recently. I have not confronted him about it- and don't want to since I feel guilty for snooping.

Some more background-
- He is still trying to settle a divorce from some time ago. He has been stressed- sometimes leads to arguments.
- I'm much younger than him (10years) and never been married.
- He has told me he wants to travel back to some of the countries in the websites.

I wasn't intentionally snooping and not really sure I really wanted to know- but it bothers me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-05-2009 04:57 PM

I am wondering whether you were ever "there" as aposed to being replaced and I don't mean that nastily.

He is still trying to settle a divorce, was viewing mail brides before you, you are way younger than him, things aren't at their best but your relationship is only young and he's still looking at them, even has told you so just in-directly like stating he wants to go to the countries.

The mail order brides, in my recollection, are young women from poor countries that basically want a better life and that can be living in poor district but to them, the house, is owned, even if it's being paid off, they have food, they can bring a child into the world without poverty, and in return, they provide their husband with what ever he wants.

Is your boyfriend a tad controlling, really doesn't have much respect for women, doesn't listen to you, communicate, is affectionate basically only in the bedroom, has his accounts separate and doesn't buy you things unless it's a birthday.

I would say the Divorce got to him and that he doesn't trust women full stop.

CW

**golden_nemesis** · 04-05-2009 05:30 PM

It is possible there is something fishy going on, but its also possible there isn't.

I am incredibly happy in my current relationship, but sometimes if I am bored I will cruise craigslist personals, mainly for entertainment value. However, there is also a very strong component of reaffirming to myself how awesome my partner is by observing that there are really a lot of not-so-great guys out there.

Maybe looking at those websites is something he does that engages his fantasy world in a less smutty manner than a porn website would.

There could be a number of explanations. I wouldn't get too worried till you go over to see him and find little miss mail order cooking dinner in his kitchen or giving him a foot massage.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-05-2009 10:28 PM

I would totally agree with Golden on this one if he hadn't mentioned visiting those countries. To me that reeks of preparing you for him to take off on a tour to meet these ladies, although maybe he genuinly just wanted to visit the countries but still ouch ouch ouch.

I agree with chander, sounds like he's been burned and thinks he might as well pay the money up front and buy a wife. Creepy. Guys that use mail order bride services are usually socially inept, have little or no chance obtaining a relationship where money isn't left on a night stand. For lack of a better way to put it, they usually have no other option... and since he is in a relationship with you I just don't understand why he would persue this.

The only other thing I can think of is the control factor of having someone from another country, having someone fully dependent on him. Maybe he is wanting that and see's you as someone not naive enough, someone he can't use and manipulate.

Hopefully its just some weird fantasy, but mentioning to you him wanting to go to those specific countries makes me feel like its something he is actually considering. How awful of you to find that, especially when not digging for it - because its gonna be in the back of your mind no matter what.

I don't envy your position , I think there are a few ways you can proceed from here:

1. Evaluate your relationship irrespective of this discovery, are you happy? is he a good guy? If you didn't find this , would you consider him to be the one? If this is the case, come clean - talk to him about what you found, explain how it was on accident, explain your true feelings how you are confused by this and try to get him to give you the truth without passing judgment on him (that will only make him close up/lie).

2. If you are just killing time, feel like this is not a guy you can see yourself wanting a future with and this mail order bride thing is just the last straw on your list of reasons to leave, then perhaps you don't even need to ask him about it and just make your exit a little sooner than initially planned.

3. Try to create a discussion about the business of mail order brides and see if he will talk to you about his feelings on the issue, maybe that can give you an idea of its a fantasy or something he takes serious. You can say you saw something about mail order brides (you dont have to say WHERE you saw it) and explain how you feel about it and ask him how he feels etc... If he is like oh thats so rediculous etc.. its probably just something he was curious about and the trips are coincidental and nothing to do with it. If he reacts positively about them... perhaps the trip planning along with the history is something to be concerned about?

I don't know, really tricky situation. Some people would rather know when it comes to things like this and dig for dirt, but this isn't what you did - this was dropped on your lap. You can also choose the option of ignoring it all together and keep basing your feelings on the way he acts towards you and how you feel and just let this discovery go.

**acerousme** · 04-07-2009 01:54 AM

Hey, Im ACE...

In my oppinion, sounds like he is thinking about it. NOT cool, I know...
But before I say anything else...how long have you two been seeing eachother? I need to know ALL the details before I can really make a statement.

But honestly...if he is talking about visiting these places, that would make ANY woman a tad suspicious after seeing those sites...but remember, NEVER count your chickens before they hatch.

**leslee** · 04-07-2009 03:08 AM

Thank you all for your replies!
As I said this is only a very new relationship- only about 3 months (Hope that helps answer your question Ace). As I also mentioned before- he has only done it after an argument.(One or two times since and in the space of 4-5 weeks)

To answer your question Chandler, He is a bit controlling. But I think that has to do with his ex wife. She seems like she really was doomed to fail and needed her every decision made for her. I even get the impression that she’s the type of person who needs to be spoon fed to survive. Very dependent. I tend to do my own thing regardless and hope he sees my self motivation and good intentions. Other than that- He is pretty good at communicating- teaches me a thing or two!

I have also had the same thoughts as Golden- in relation to a substitute for porn. He isn’t into porn at all.. so it has crossed my mind that this is for entertainment value. If it wasn’t for our conversation about him wanting to travel previously mentioned.

I disagree with you Hopeless when you said “may as well just buy a wife”. He’s incredibly attractive, Very Charming and extremely intelligent.. there is no indication that he has that low self esteem that he didn’t think he could find himself a decent girl (Plus he wouldn’t settle for just anyone)... and myself... well I consider myself to be well worthy of his high standards in women. 1. I think I’m quite attractive- I have been modelling for the last few years and made some great accomplishments in doing so. 2. I have backed myself up with qualifications.3. I have had trouble in the past with relationships because the other person couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation so we click very well...

Another note which Hopeless added was finding out his opinion on mail order brides- When he spoke of travelling, we did go into this a little bit. But I was frozen with fear to say much or let out any sort of hint I knew. His view of these women was that they were all trying to get out- and would do anything to do so. Also that the men in these places were s and had little respect for these women.
what's more.....

He did mention that he thinks it’s one of the best places to raise children (and is of an age to SERIOUSLY consider children).. So has made me wonder if he’s wanting someone from this location so he can LIVE there and start a life particularly because the culture shares similar values to his own. Maybe he had this planned a while ago that this is what he wanted- and when I came along things changed? Which makes sense if he only goes to look after we’ve had an argument. Maybe he’s thinking “Oh I don’t know if this will work!”

Furthermore- the stress of this divorce is continuing and seemingly getting worse. Could be right about him being burnt girls. Perhaps he isn’t ready for another relationship? Some days he is very well put together and other days I can’t really talk to him. I just give his space and my understanding..

I really think it may be too early to decide the truth.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-07-2009 03:43 AM

I didn't at all mean to imply that you or he are unattractive - infact implied the opposite. What I said was that typically - the kind of men that purchase (that is what they are doing...) wives from overseas, tend to be a bit on the socially awkward side - or controlling men that can't find american women that will do the type of things some women from other cultures don't mind doing.

So after saying that I added that seeing as how he already has you it really doesn't seem to add up - as in he is able to attract and obtain a relationship .. so he doesn't really fit the bill of typical guy to do this sort of thing.

So again, sorry if you took that the wrong way. I've seen a couple of documenteries on Russian Mail Order Brides and .. am basing what I consider typical man that does this sort of thing on the ones featured.

I agree with acer that you really can't jump the gun, If you are happy with him why worry yourself with some internet searches just be happy.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-07-2009 04:36 AM

To answer your question Chandler, He is a bit controlling. But I think that has to do with his ex wife. She seems like she really was doomed to fail and needed her every decision made for her. I even get the impression that she’s the type of person who needs to be spoon fed to survive.

His view of these women was that they were all trying to get out- and would do anything to do so. Also that the men in these places were s and had little respect for these women.
what's more.....

My opinion for what it is worth? You just described a "mail bride" in respect to his wife, in attitude, if you re-read what you wrote above..... and I think he is trying to work out his ex-wife, logics, reasoning, why she needed to be told what to do all the time, etc, for closure.

It's far fetched in one way but stuck out to me like dogs, thingys in another way, as you state he finds it all to be with little respect, and you highlight your attributes to this relationship as being the exact opposite.

CW

**leslee** · 04-08-2009 03:36 AM

Chandlers Wish..

You are completely right there. Thanks for pointing that out.

It is obvious to me though that he wanted someone a lot different to his ex.. or at least he told me that's what he was looking for. Our very first conversation we had when we met (Which by the way neither of us had expected would go any further than that) he said he could never be with another insecure person again. Looking for miss mail order would suggest a repeat pattern. I don't think he realizes this or perhaps its just in deep subconcious.

I correct you on your statement about "having little respect". He didn't say HE himself had little respect towards them- he said the men of their society have little respect to women IN GENERAL. This makes me think that he feels he could just fly over there at any time and sweep any woman he wanted off her feet. Either way- its possible he feels the need to have control over his woman especially after learning to cope with his ex's mind games. This may be why he needs so little information about about these women to just make them his wife.

It seems he has told me of what he wants clearly- but chasing the opposite. I never saw it this way before but perhaps he still needs to do some soul searching- as we all do after a break up. I can wait until he is ready if that's the case.. but I'd like some indication of whether it's worth it....

Which poses another question: Am I right for him or not?! I think I could provide him with a lot of happiness if he can learn to live with me (as another strong person) and see me for who I really am. I do care so much for him and to me it would be worthwhile. But I am asking a lot of questions in my head.. and by questioning myself I am starting to see a few insecurities in myself. I guess this is normal..

It is driving me crazy to want to look again and check to see if he is still going back to these websites.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-08-2009 10:48 AM

I think over the course of our lives our wants and needs change so much, what we once were attracted to.. the characteristics we looked for are not always the same. Sometimes also find a comfort zone. You said he practically had to tie his ex's shoes and while that can be extremely annoying for most guys, for some it feels a need to be needed in an extreme way. Everyone needs to feel a little needed.

Like you and chandler are pondering, I too wonder if maybe he didn't just slip into a comfort zone of being someones hero, you said yourself he thinks of these women more as being "rescued" from their current situation..VS "exploited" which is how a lot of people view the industry.

While he may/may not feel that someone like that would be a good match for him, those kind of relationships usually aren't that healthy. Eventually people tire of their lover being more like an adult child that they have to look out for every step of the way. Perhaps him being with you has made him see that he can be happy with an independent woman (which is so much better for him in the long run, really).

You said he's turned to those sites in arguments, so maybe when you fought he questioned himself on whether or not he could see himself with a strong women... but then you guys work it out and he leaves that thought alone and doesn't pursue the foregn bride thing.

You have kind of an unfair advantage by knowing what you know from his searches, if he were able to see everything you do away from him there are probably conclusions he could come to about who you are that could be very far from the truth. If you remove your knowledge of what he does when you fight from the situation... would you be worried about this relationship in any way?

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