The famous "space"????

**Mommy2Eryn&DJ** · 04-21-2009 09:13 AM

So, I know some of you remember that I posted before about my bf whom I have been friends with for years and years who is now my current bf of almost going on a year (this is his first serious relationship etc etc) well, for the passed 3 days he's been acting really distant, catty towards eachother, snapping at eachother etc...we werent intimate until yesterday and that was after work we were winding down having a couple of drinks etc..so, this morning I text him saying "wake up love" and he responds with a dry "I've been up" then I texted back "Oh, you just didnt wanna talk to me

" and he replies "Do I have to tell you my every step through out the day?" and I replied with a sappy (wish I hadn't wrote it) "I was just conversating like we always do, i didnt mean I wanted to know your every move. Do I get on your nerves that much? I'll leave you alone!" and that was that, no replies..pure silence...Am I reading too much into this? am I being way to emotional? Is it that we spend too much time together, we see eachother everyday and usually we text all day as well...its been slowing down lately since we've moved in (its going on 2 months of us moving in together) ..I feel like I might be getting on his nerves...I do know that I'm very dependant and if I see a slight change I freak out..I'm sensing that I might need to give him some space...am I right? Guys what to do you think?

**WildChild** · 04-21-2009 09:24 AM

I'm not a guy, but since that term gets used so much for women too ... Not knowing him, it's hard to say. Yes, this could be that famous, 'needing space'. It would be better if you could make a humorous response to this. He may now feel he's upset you and should give you some, 'space'. Guys don't instinctively understand what women want anymore than we understand what they want and need. If you try to give them what you would want, it may not be welcome. He's had some time, why not send him a good morning or a joke and see what happens? No appologies or questions, just leave all that alone for now.

Get yourself a copy of that oldies but goodie, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and read it. I think you will find it very helpful.

**Little** · 04-21-2009 09:36 AM

I think that we are conditioned to take what people say at face value even when it's obvious it's wrong. A man says nothing's wrong, nothing's going on, but the man you've known for a year is acting completely out of line with his normal personality? Something is wrong. Period, full stop. We're not supposed to pry, nag, get emotional, women are so crazy oh gosh! So we let things go.
Certainly give him space. But don't doubt your instincts; he sounds like he's acting downright shady and people act the way they do for a reason. It may not be anything to do with your relationship, maybe it's something in his personal life.
WildChild makes a good point ... keep it lighthearted. Just because you know he's full of it doesn't mean you have to call him out.

**Mommy2Eryn&DJ** · 04-21-2009 09:41 AM

Thank you both for your responses, yes he's a very readable person, I can see right through him, specially because he's always so needy of my attention, like saturday (last time he said something nice) before I left out he said "you didnt tell me you love me" Hes that type of person(that was my reason for my example to let you know how he is) thats why I know somethings wrong because I even asked him in the car yesterday if I was suppose to make a left , and he snapped at me saying "you dont know this way?, how can you not know this way.?" its like hes irritated by something and if I was him, its only going to make things worse....I mean we share everything that we do daily or that happens and that hasnt been happening for the passed 3 days..I feel like Im hovering or smothering him maybe?

**Mommy2Eryn&DJ** · 04-21-2009 09:42 AM

I meant **if I was to ask him**

**sourpuss** · 04-21-2009 10:20 AM

It sounds like he's being smothered. If I lived with my SO, I certainly wouldn't want them texting me all day. I don't want anyone texting me all day for that matter. People need to have their own time to themselves on a daily basis. What's there for him to look forward too when he sees you if he's kept abreast all day on what you are doing and feeling? Likewise for you. Be more independent, share your day when you get home and your time together will be more relaxed and enjoyable.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-21-2009 11:16 AM

Well.. let me put it like this, I see myself in what you just said and I cringed. I do that. Or feel that way at least. When my boyfriend is doing his own thing without me, which is rare these days I've caught myself feeling bad when he doesnt poke in to say hi or see how I am doing and have sometimes gone as far as to be catty about him being awake for hours and not calling.. like you did.

And well after reading what you wrote I can see that its just too much. They do need space sometimes, they were independent people before us ... who woke up and did their thing without having to check in with anyone. They usually do because it makes us happy so on the days when they are wanting some alone time..or don't jump and call us right as soon as they open their eyes - we really should not freak out.

I knew that I was being over emotional when I let things like that bother me and seeing it from the third person the way you wrote that opened my eyes up to how controlling (not calling you that) it appears to be even when its really just a plea for some communication and reassurance.

The silent response, I think that is him throwing his hands up in the air wondering what it is you want from him. He probably thinks he is being a good guy and loves you and breaking down every time he isn't as clingy as you is probably going to build some resentment. I know that It was good for me, just now to take a step back and realise that. I hope you do too

**Mommy2Eryn&DJ** · 04-21-2009 11:20 AM

Sourpuss,
That's exactly what I think.yes maybe theres a case of being smothered. I mean I dont think he's cheating or at least I hope not.its not like hes running out of the house as soon as he gets off work, because if he didnt want to be there he just wouldnt...i honestly think he feels like im suffocating him and he cant breathe.because we arent conversing like before, idk maybe im over analyzing? is that a possibility?? should I just be more independent? (that I'm not, I know I should be) I think that may be the reason for me feeling this way? If i was more independent I would be like ok, ill go do this while he drowns his sorrows..but no..i drive myself crazy....thinking

**Mommy2Eryn&DJ** · 04-21-2009 11:26 AM

hopelessdork..you hit the nail on the head.

I have co-dependent tendencies and I am now afraid after reading your post I might be driving him away. ..

**kms** · 04-21-2009 11:56 AM

It's natural in the beginning of relationships to be all-consumed with each other and to have the feeling that you can never get enough of one another. But over time you settle in, you figure out who they are, you get comfortable with them, you find a place in their life, you feel more secure in your relationship, and the desire to be there every waking moment diminishes naturally - it'd be far too hard to sustain for our entire lives; we have a lot of other things that need our attention as well! So it sounds like perhaps your relationship is becoming more stable, more based on real things rather than hormones, and being able to give each other space signifies trust and a quality foundation. And as others have said, if you're around each other ALL the time and texting each other constantly, you're going to have absolutely nothing left to give anymore, no excitement, nothing to look forward to, and definitely nothing to talk about. Both of you need your separate lives, your individuality so you can keep things fresh, lively, interesting, and enjoyable. Give him something to be intrigued about, to feel attracted to. For me, and I'm sure for many, after I know something inside and out, I lose interest because I've 'conquered' it, and move on to the next intriguing mystery. So if I know every single thing about a guy, I might feel close to him but I would certainly lose my attraction really fast. You've got to be able to have something new, something they don't know to keep interest. It's just basic human nature. All things are good in moderation, and both extremes of too much or too little will have destructive and negative consequences.

So this could be the case with you bf, OR it could be that something is going on in his life and he's very stressed out about it and is utilizing Freud's 'kick the dog' coping mechanism - aka take it out on someone who is guaranteed to lay there and take it, or at least won't bite too hard in return. Not a healthy or mature way of dealing with things, but it's certainly an all-too common phenomenon.

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