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Thread: I dont feel wanted from my boyfriend anymore..advice please!!

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array RevaMae84's Avatar
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    Default I dont feel wanted from my boyfriend anymore..advice please!!


    Ok so here is the thing! I have been with my boyfriend now for about 3 years and about 4 months ago we moved in together and are planning on getting married in september..but over the last 2 months he has not wanted to have any sexual connection at all if i try and kiss him or touch him to light a spark he pulls away. when i try to start something he tells me well tomorrow tomorrow or that he is too tired and the great one is maybe later! And then when tomorrow comes its the same story..its not like he doesnt love me i know he does i just worry he is not attracted to me like how he used to be. Im not one of those people that think sex is the most important thing in a relationship but this is getting crazy!! i dont feel wanted by him and it is really starting to bug me! i dont know what to do i have tried talking to him about it but it just upset him! I just really need some advice i mean we are only in our 20s and this shouldnt be happening already this early in the relationship should it?

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    WH Super Moderator Array caterpillar79's Avatar
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    You are so young! (Well, love doesn't choose age, does it? LOL!). For sure, something is bothering him. It could be the thought of settling down, and raising a family, him thinking of how to sustain and provide for you, specially now with our dwindling economic state - this could be bothersome.

    Another thought comes to mind. "Is he really losing his freedom?"...Or could be that famous "I need SPACE" issue. There are a lot of things that happen in men's heads that are mind boggling for us, women. Your fiance is in his cave. To show him support and understanding, don't follow him there. This is the time when he wants to be left alone - to ponder.

    Let me tell you how his "cave" looks like. Inside his cave, their is comfort. He finds comfort in the dark, hard, cold and stony surface. In that cave there is a dragon who stands guard - that's the reason why you shouldn't follow him inside - you're not allowed there. If you insist, you might be burned by the dragon's fire. What could you do? Wait outside the cave, and let it be obvious to him that you are not intruding into his silence.

    Literally speaking, don't be too clingy. If he doesn't like physical contact right now, so be it. It doesn't necessarily mean his not attracted to you anymore. He is, but he is being stressed by work or just by anything. Let him be. Men are like rubber bands (John Gray's analysis), they have this urge to pull back. Don't interfere to this cycle. The farther a rubber band is stretched, the quicker it will spring back.

    You have to have a life of your own even when you are with him, living with him. During this time, focus on your interests, add something new to your personal routine. Workout, join some women's clubs, etc. Later he will wonder and he'll feel left out, he'll be curious about you and he'll be back as your good'ol BF.

    Don't avoid him though. Be as sweet as you can, but give him enough space. The rule of balance in everything is the way to go.
    What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy

    The clearest explanation for failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. - Anna Quindlen

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    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    I think sometimes you have to step in and remind him what it feels like to be with you. I imagine he is probably still masturbating in the shower, or something.. which is fine and all but that isn't meeting your needs. Some guys can get a little selfish when they are tired, stressed etc and not realize that you have needs too.

    Just remind him gently, physically and once you do he will get the hint and when he has been with you again, his needs to be with you again will likely increase. I had a melt down with my guy recently because I didn't feel wanted in this same way and I don't think he realized until I did how important feeling wanted by him in that way was to making me happy.

    Your guy is probably thinking, we are getting married in a couple months - she knows I love her. He doesn't see the little every day things, being too tired to try to please you etc as something that would hurt you and it obviously does. I think most guys want to have a satisfied partner. Next time you are cuddling or holding hands, try heating things up... if he pushes you away and claims tired wink smile and ask him if his hand is tired and put it on you I'm sure he'll wake up for that task.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Caterpillar have you been read reading John Grey? I love his books, he really helped me get a better insight. Reva you may want to read some of the Mars and Venus books, they really are good. Can you, non emotionally sit this man down and talk about this? Let him know how you are feeling and learn about how he is feeling? Really communicating is the only thing you can do.
    Try telling him you need some time to talk and when would be a good time? That way neither of you are just flying off the handle. Be careful not to sound like you are accusing or demanding, you are seeking informantion and mutual understanding so both your needs will be met.

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    Junior Member Array RevaMae84's Avatar
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    thank you all so much! You all helped give me insight on this issue..i think i will make some time today to talk about this with him and it would be pretty interesting to read those mars and venus book!

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    WH Super Moderator Array caterpillar79's Avatar
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    Yes, I've been reading it, and rereading it. It helped me gain a better understanding of my female nature as well as our male counterparts. It really improved my perspective and had enriched my current relationship. This actually helped me realize my needy and clingy tendencies, and that men are like "rubber bands" (I proved it to be true with my BF). In fact, to resolve some if the minor issues that we are having, since long distance relationship is inevitable right now, I lent him my Mars and Venus book as his reading assignment. This, I hope, will help him better understand my need for constant communication without coming across as needy or clingy.
    What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy

    The clearest explanation for failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. - Anna Quindlen

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    This same senario happend to me, but I had to check myself first. I stepped back and saw that I had gotten to comfortable to fast. Yeah we were together 4 years but, we just started living together. I had my make up everywhere and clothes that stacked up from time to time I wore big t-shirts to bed the whole "old married couple syndrome"so, I started getting the house in order, little dinners, treating my self to pamper days, bills in order, no more laundry (not that it's a womens job todo) but, I guess he started to see me in a different light, as a wife someone that could take care of business and keep up an attractive appearence and now, we have been living together 2 years and engaged for 6 months.. YEEEAAAAAHHHHH! ----

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