Thread: i truly love my best friend but she's suffocating me

thanks to all of you for the advice! i'm definately taking the tips and i feel much more calm and more certain of how to handle this and be able to help her through all of it. if i want to be there for her i will have to make sure to hold my head high and be strong, so she can too.

Hmm. Has she always been like this, or just recently? It sounds like she has a lot of issues that a trained professional needs to be dealing with, not you. She's controlling, manipulative, obsessive, steals and skips classes you said? Gets on the wrong side of people? Which would mean her social skills aren't up to par... why exactly do your friends not like her? To be honest, I almost wonder if she has a personality disorder of some sort... in which case, it can be very difficult to deal with, especially if she's not in treatment or therapy.

There are two ways of going about dealing with her. One would be the healthiest and most respectful of your friendship with her (which honestly doesn't sound like a friendship - it sounds like she is completely selfishly controlling you without ever thinking about YOU at all) - which would be: being honest. Just sit her down and tell her that what's going on is too much for you to handle; you can't be with her every second, you need space, and if you don't get it then your relationship will be ruined, just like it was with her bf. Have very specific boundaries that you want to be followed. If she still persists in crossing your boundaries, just don't answer the phone. Don't answer the door when she tries to come over. Be very strong in maintaining the boundaries, and she'll get it over time, although she'll probably try to push them pretty hard since she's so used to getting her way.

The second option is to avoid her and be dishonest with her, as some others have suggested. If she truly has a lot of serious mental issues, this may work best in order to extract yourself and escape from her. Just say that you're busy when she calls, be vague, but be firm and don't give in. If you've shown her your college schedule already, fine, but drop those classes and get in different ones, or different sections at least. When classes start and she realizes that you aren't in the same class, tell her that your advisor changed your classes last minute or some BS like that. Definitely don't be her roommate, get someone else. Blame it on an advisor again, or say that housing messed it up. Who knows, be creative.

But I think the best way, whether you choose to just start avoiding her or to be up front with her, is from now on to be vague, be firm, and do NOT give her real personal information about yourself, especially on the things that are stressing you out the most (prom, college, classes, your current schedule, etc.).

She's already shown that she doesn't honor or value you or the friendship you've had for so long. Honestly, I've been through tough things in my life but I would NEVER act the way she is, and would absolutely clue in immediately as to when I'm not wanted or being a nuisance! It seems she doesn't even see you as a person really, just an object to take advantage of. Try to get her to the school counselor or someone who can truly get her the help she needs. You can stand by and be supportive, but NOT enabling and sacrificing your own sanity and health for someone else, regardless to whether they appreciate it or not.

I've felt the same way recently as well. One of my best friends would text me at dawn just to say 'good morning,' and text me all day every day about anything and everything. When she would hang out with my friends and I, my other friends weren't too fond of her because everything was about her. When my other friend and I would have issues and we would vent it out, she didn't care too much except to bring the topic back to her life and how great her life was.

Eventually I got fed up to the point where I started to ignor her phone calls, text messages, and emails. We finally talked it out with her and said everything in the nicest way we could so that she wouldn't misunderstand. Sometimes whay they need to do is admit what the problems are in there lives. They know in the back of their head that there are things in their life that make it dark and gloomy. When they say it outloud they have to face reality and the real problem and realize that there is so much more that they need to deal with.

Once she realized how she made my friend and I feel she admitted what was going on in her life and backed off alot more. Now we have an even better relationship and bond a lot more now.

in all honesty, (since my last post) i did not try my hardest to keep a distance. we ended up closer and closer. she eventually got better and over the break-up but my depression and ed got worse and worse, and i felt more out-of-control than ever, until i ended up in a psych ward after an attempted suicide. it was still pretty bad after that. i ended up getting drunk by myself (and secretly) a lot. after having many many talks with my parents, friends, and therapists i finally realized that i needed to talk to her and get some space, REAL space for a while. i told her that we needed to take a break for a good few months, until i was completely recovered and that i hope she understood. i told her all of it was due to my weaknesses and inablity to assert control over my life and against others'. she didnt take it well and continually tried to contact me. she did some things behind my back that i consider extremely low and now i've come to realize it wasnt a friendship but a sick dependency on each other, feeding off eachother's weaknesses. in all honesty, after some of the actions she took, i do not wish to pick up our friendship. but i feel (and have felt since i ended the whole chirade) a huge sense of relief. i dont respond to any of her messages (obviously sent with the intention of provoking me into counterargumnet)and it feels empowering. i probably should have taken advice given to me more seriously, as it could have prevented a lot of unnecessary strife...
but thank you eveyone anyways!im trying with all my ability to recognize my own self-destructive behaviors and im definately trying my hardest to make sure that this is the last time i end up in another controlling relationship