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Thread: I think my husband's sister is trying to ruin my marriage, advice please

  1. #1
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    Default I think my husband's sister is trying to ruin my marriage, advice please


    Before I married my husband he had a girlfriend who was also best friends with his sister. I have been married to my husband for over a decade now, but now my husband told me that he has been communicating with her thru email and phone calls just for a friendly chat. I asked him how they contacted each other and he told me that his ex always talk on the phone and she had asked sister for his email and phone number. My sister in law gave her the information and that's how the ex contacted my husband. I told my husband that if he wanted to have a relationship with her I would have to leave because I could not deal with it. He said that he would not speak to her again because he wanted us to be ok together.
    This is not the first time my sister in law has done something hurtful to me or to undermine my marriage. She makes it very clear that she expects to be the center of attention in her family. I am now debating to cut all ties with her. I am tired of the stress she causes me, and I honestly would not want to see her again. I understand that my husband has the right to see his sister and I would not ask him to stop having a relationship with her. But I don't want for me to have a relationship with her anymore. I have not decided yet what I will do, and I need to understand the ramifications of cutting all ties with her. I would appreciate any advise you could provide me.

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    oh and one more thing...about 5 years ago his ex was in town visiting his sister and the ex went to my husband's work during lunch. I guess he felt guilty like two months after this incident happened and he mentioned to me. I told him I did not feel comfortable that this woman was back in his life. he argued that he really likes her as a friend and that he would not mind to have a friendly relationship with her. I told him I would not want him to have her as a friend. About a week later his sister called me and said that this girl and her were friends for a long time before I came in the picture and that she was going to continue to be friends and hang out together with her even if I did not like it. I told her that I had never said that she could not hang out with her and that I was only referring to my husband and I when I said I was not comfortable being friends with the ex. (There were several minor incidents with included the ex and his sister before and after this incident).

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    I think you need to explain what your fear is of this ex...

    (There were several minor incidents with included the ex and his sister before and after this incident).
    Your husband has continually let you know what's going on, on both occasions, so I can't see that he has any intentions of doing the dirty on you, that may be your fear.

    I appreciate that this ex, may be conniving and this scares you.

    In short, a marriage is built on Trust and there should be no jealousy.

    And, do you feel that every woman whom talks to your husband and becomes friends is a threat? Let me ask you this, is he allowed to have female friends? Or restricted only to male friends?

    Because he would have female acquaintances, at work, through family, you can never stop that...

    The bottom line is, you can't avoid someone cheating, if that is there nature.. So why bother? If he ever had the audacity to do so, then you would have to walk, I imagine, but you can't stop anything from happening in life and sometimes by trying you just put strain on the relationship as the other person feels that they can't be themselves.

    I am sure that if the ex has any intentions of trying to whoo your husband he will pick up on it and I am sure that he loves you and won't be tempted.

    But, jealousy is a killer in a marriage and perhaps the sister-in-law is pointing out to you, that she doesn't like your jealousy that they were all friends before, on different levels and there is no harm.

    It also depends on how often he keeps in contact, ie) every now and then saying hi is fine, with the opposite sex, daily weekly is not, .....

    Have you seen the emails and the contents? Has he shown you...

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

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    Thank you for replying so quick. Here is a bit more info. My husband has several female friends and many female coworkers he is friends with. In fact his best friend is a woman. He had worked with her for about three years and they remained friends after she transferred to a different school. He is a high school teacher and has several female friends there too. (These are friends that we don't have in common although I have met them before but they are his friends just like I have mine) I have no problem with these friendships.
    I think the first time I felt very uncomfortable about his ex was right before we got married. He told me he had several dreams that he left me because he wanted to be with his ex. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no. two months after our marriage I became aware of him talking to her because she wanted to meet me and him. I met her and that was that.
    I don't really know how much contact there has been between the two of them. When he told me about the email I asked how many emails they shared, he said it was only one email. Later that day he said it was a couple of emails instead of just one. And later the next day he said they spoke on the phone too. I asked him if I could see the emails and he said no. He then deleted all of then and refused to share the password to his email account. I did not even know he had password to his computer because I never felt I had to check on him. I am somewhat ashamed to be jealous of her and I told him that if he keeps things open between the two of us that I could begging to learn to trust him again. We have been working throu this for sometime now and he removed his passwords from his two computers. I told him that I would not check on him or his computers because I want to show him I trust him.

    I still am very angry at his sister for helping her friend intrude in our marriage. His sister has not been very kind to me or my daughter. (She has called my daughter "spoiled brat" several times in front of my husband and me.) When her father gave me a piece of furniture she was very upset that he did that and her father had to ask for it back and gave it to her. In front of the whole family she told her mother and father that she wants to keep all the 'heirlooms' in the family so they should go to her only. It's a lot of petty stuff like this trough out the years and I told myself that I would be polite when we visited her at her home. She is constantly wanting to have dinners with us (almost every Saturday). I was okay with ignoring her behavior until now, but this thing with the ex-girlfriend really upset me and that is why I don't want to be around her anymore. I have no problem if he goes there and visits with her thou. He has assured me he loves me and I believe him. I know I have my insecurities and my husband and I are working together because we want to be happy together. My issue right now is what to do about her.

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    By the way my sister in law often asks my husband and I if my brother is still married to his wife. She often calls her a skank when she is talking about her. I told her twice that I did not like it when she call my brother's wife that. And she responded "Well that's what she is!" The wost part is that my husband's sister is also constantly inviting my brother to come to her house for dinner and when my brother and his wife have accepted her invitation and visited them at her home, my husbands sister is very sweet to my brother's wife and treats her nice. I did not like how she is two faced so I told my brother that she talks badly about his wife (I did not tell him the word because I felt really bad). My brother does not visit her anymore. I can't help but think that maybe she talks badly about me when I am not there too.

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    Sounds to me like she never ever took the time to get to know you.

    She wanted her girlfriend to marry your husband, plain and simple and sounds spoilt to me herself. Ensuring a present given to you by her Father, was taken back and given to her? Spoilt.

    I would also say within that decade, neither the ex, nor the sister-in-law have been happy and so, why not ruin happiness? You really aren't allowed to have it they don't.

    And, I think your husband is either trying to be honest, or calling out for help a little, wanting a bit more love and romance in his life, hense acceptance of the emails and calls initially...

    Look into that as it's important... What can you do to make things fun? Exciting, from time to time.

    Every Saturday night dinners? Why? What does she talk about, how does she act when she comes over? I am going to assume also that she is single?

    Each bit that you tell, tells more of the story and helps with providing an opinion that may help you further.

    I will say that your husband needs to learn to stand up for himself a bit more and you, ie) the furniture that was removed.

    I will say that he also needs to stand up for himself a little and tell his sister not to call your daughter a spoilt brat and stop calling the kettle black.. He needs to let her see that he respects and loves both his wife and his sister.

    But it seems your core question is how to deal with her, and I think alot comes from how your husband responds to the way she treats you, or "your child" together I assume, as the starting point.

    But, I am very curious in regards to this Saturday insistant dinner thing.

    How old is your daughter by the way?

    And do you and your husband ever get me time?

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

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    My husbands sister is married but has said to my husband that she is going to get a divorce because she says her husband is like a teenager and she is tired of taking care of him. He seems like a nice guy but is very intense and forgetful.

    Our daughter (she is our child together) is 18 years old and moved to attend college last September. She has visited twice since then for a week at each time. We have no other children.

    My husband and I are making an effort now that it is only the two of us to go out to dinner or go hiking or shopping. He does not like to go out as much as I like and when we do go out it is usually to a place he likes. I am ok with it as long as we are together. I joined a local gym and my girlfriend and I go there twice a week.

    My husband likes going to his sister's house and sometimes he goes alone to her house because he is really good at fixing computers so she just calls him and says she needs his help and he goes to her house. He usually says "I got to go to [her name]'s house I'll be back. She lives two blocks away from us by the way.

    She likes people to visit her at her home. She loves to host potluck dinners. In the last two years the number of people coming to her dinners have been dwindling. Lately it is only her, her husband, her two boys, her mom and dad. Almost every Saturday she invites us to dinner. When my husband tells me that she invited us for dinner I say okay and we go. Most times I don't want to go but a while back I decided to ignore her bad behavior and I am polite when I am at her house (There were a few times I had to say something because she crossed the line, like when she called my brother's wife that ugly name, or when she asked my brother's six year old daughter "Why does your mom and dad fight sometimes")
    I admit I cannot ignore her anymore and I am very resentful of her. The few times we have argued because of something she did at first my husband defends her. When he sees that I am more upset then he admits she is difficult but he says that since she is family we can't do anything about it. I don't agree with him but I am hesitant about cutting ties with her. I need to think about the ramifications of my decision. I have thought about talking to her but I don't want to put the effort anymore specially when I feel that she won't change. A while back I thought she had changed and she really didn't. Do you think I should I stick to my initial decision of not seeing her anymore?

    I really appreciate the time you had taken to discuss this issue with me. I don't really want to get anybody in my family involved with this issue for fear that it will create more problems.

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    Well, you can go to her house, "because of your husband" no other reason.. And, you can make notation of that to her, in-other-words next time she puts your daughter down, let her know, it's not on..

    Next time she decides to play match maker, "smile at her and say hun, I know your heading for a Divorce I am so sorry if that's what you decide, but, .... and I are pretty tight, so I am glad it's not me... Let me know if you need anything.

    Another words, play her at her own game... be prepared ( you know her) for what she "may" come out with and always with a smile, respond in a fashion that suggests you feel sorry for her and are, there whilst at the same time "dig in yourself" haha, seriously, at how great your relationship is..

    That is the only way to get back at women whom love to have "control".... you don't let them have it.

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!

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    Thank you for your suggestion. I know it means a lot to him that I go there. I like the idea of being more assertive and I think you're right when you say that not giving her the control she wants is key. I will say something and not just ignore her poor behavior next time and see what happens. Wish me luck Saturday is fast approaching. You know? Just writing about this has taken a lot of the anxiety away too. Thanks you again.

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    Men are usually naive when it comes to their sisters. As conniving and backstabbing as they can be...their brothers have grown up with them and know exactly how they are but have learned to ignore the idiosy. Men usually don't get wrapped up in that kind of stuff. He probably actually feels sorry for his sister.

    If his sister chooses to be friends with his ex-girlfriend that is her business, but I agree with you, she has no business handing out your husbands e-mail address or phone number! You mentioned that she is miserable in her marriage, this could be where this bitterness comes from.

    This scenario sounds exactly what goes on with my boyfriend's sister. He has a sister who is in a miserable marriage. She wears the pants in the family and everything is about her. She is stuck in the past also with always mentioning my boyfriends past girlfriends and is still a friend with his ex-wife (although, the friendship that she maintains that she has isn't I don't think as close as what she portrays). His sister being in her 40's, still runs to their mother and makes up stories and squeals on her brother about things regarding him and I. His mother snubs him for a few weeks making him feel guilty and at times I can tell he pulls away from me emotionally. His mother has mentioned to me that I am not to get in between my boyfriend and his sister (in the meantime, I cannot figure out what I have done). My boyfriend tells me that this is the way she is and he can't change her.

    All I can say is, it is his sister, but if he continues to go along with how she acts and never shuts her down, she will continue to get away with it (he is enabling the behaviour). She is acting like a child and should be treated as such. If she does something wrong, people have to take something away from her, whether that being a Sat night dinner at her house or just avoiding her for awhile. Maybe then she'll clue in and think to herself "if I tick my brother's wife off with my conniving tricks, my brother doesn't speak to me so I better knock it off". I feel this is something that your husband has to take the reins on as it is his sister. If he doesn't want to take the reins, maybe you could ask him for suggestions as to how to deal with her.

    Good luck to you, in-laws are not easy, especially when they are spoiled!

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