I think my husband's sister is trying to ruin my marriage, advice please

**WildChild** · 05-13-2009 12:06 PM

Let me see if I've got this, you have an 18 yr old daughter together, have been married for 10 years - so you've actually been together for 19 years or so? Has his sister been like this all along?

You might want to try a couple of things, one would be to mix things up a bit, invite them over, get her off her turf. Take the high road and don't ignore her inappropriate behavior but change your response. When she asks those none-of-her-business questions, give her a blank look and in a completely flat voice ask, "why would you want to know?" Other responses you can use are: "Oh,(pause) really?", "Why would you say that?", "I don't consider that any of My business" or just very pointedly and meaninlessly change the subject, "Do you think that quantum theory has any application on a macro level?" "Oh did you get new throw pillows?"

Since she like to be the focus you could try, when she starts in, looking at her quizically and saying ,"There's something different about you. I can't quite put my finger on it." If she suggests something like her hair style, look doubtful and say, " well maybe". Then whenever she needs redirecting pull it back up, "I don't think it is your hair..."

Just keep her off guard.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy but maybe a bit nieve about women or at least certain types of women. Don't push it too hard, it's better to have him knowing he can be honest with you. Can you turn this into a joke? The ex sees how happy you are, she wants in on the action? He's perfect for you, not her.

**kms** · 05-13-2009 10:45 PM

Definitely don't give her the power of making you miserable or unhappy. I'm sure she gets a kick out of the fact that she bothers you and makes you angry and has caused a wedge between you and your husband. Perfect! Then when you guys starting fighting to the point of breaking up, she and her friend can swoop in and act as sympathetic advisors who 'knew it wouldn't work all along'... So next time she makes any comment to you or asks any inappropriate questions, turn it into a joke, play her game right back. Completely avoid answering the way she wants you to. Don't give her anything she's looking for. Answer her question with a question equally inappropriate, rude, or shocking (couch it in a joking or light-hearted manner). You aren't looking for an answer of course, just to get her attention and to remind her that she's out of line. When she asked a child why his parents fight, you could have made a comment like, "yes, a 6 year old is definitely on par with a marriage counselor," or comment on the fact that she must be asking a 6 year old because he must be able to explain it to her better since her intelligence is on the same level... in a joking way of course. Everyone will laugh and she'll feel the pain from it because everyone is laughing at her, at how stupid she is. Not exactly the kind of attention she's looking for, I bet.

You also don't want to pit the whole family against you by being really serious and fighting with her and the rest of the family. Just be good-natured, and make light-hearted comments that others will think is all in good fun - but she'll get the message loud and clear.

But the main thing is, don't let her affect you or disturb your life in any way. She doesn't deserve all the time and attention you're giving her. A wise person once said, 'he who angers you, controls you.' Essentially, you're letting her win.

I also agree that your husband needs to make the boundaries clear and keep her in line more. She's like a child, as someone else mentioned, so if she crosses the boundary then there's a consequence - something enjoyable gets taken away. If she's inappropriate to you, then neither your or your husband come for dinner. Figure out what's important and sensitive to her, and target that. Everyone has a jugular; no one is entirely impervious and inpenetrable.

**claudia200** · 05-14-2009 05:42 PM

To answer the question of how long she has been this way, she has been acting this way since my husband and I moved to the same city she lived in. We moved here 15 years ago because my husband got a job at this school district. I wish we could move away but my husband would lose a great deal of his income if he switched school districts.

I really like the idea of answering her inappropriate questions with similar questions. I specially liked the one where I wold ask her, "why would you need to know that?" I see how it would not matter what her answer was because I would change the subject after she answers. I think asking her and dismissing her would put her in check specially in front of the rest of the family and perhaps she'll hesitate to do it again.

My husband and I had a good talk last night. No drama or anger or crying or hurtful accusing words. When I asked him to work with me on this issue, he suggested that we attend less dinners with her, and that we put some distance between his sister and us. He also said that when I feel he needs to back me up that I need to ask him by saying "back me up". I am not sure about the second suggestion and how I would work, but we'll see.

I really appreciate you guys helping me with your comments and advice. I really would have not thought about some of the things that you suggested. It is so important to hear others perspectives on issues. Please keep helping me with any advice you might think off. I welcome all.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-14-2009 06:06 PM

Hi Claudia,

I think you have it all sown up personally.

You have the fun side of speaking to her, by adding something in there "where your husband can back you up", like "we love spending Sunday's together" don't we hun? (that's asking him to back you up)..

As well as "why would you need to know that" which makes her have to think first, but smile when you say it so you don't look like your coming across as a well...

And, less times visiting, gives her less opportunity, obviously other's have got sick of her ways or else she would have 12 people there every Saturday, never ending because it's fun.

It's fantastic that your husband sees how you feel and is willing to participate with standing by you...

Just smile knowing that you have a husband that does love you and typically, we can't chose the family that goes with it can we, but we can make it all good mainly by knowing that she can't effect your marriage, your bigger than that and your marriage is stronger than that, obviously....

CW

**Karma3** · 05-14-2009 07:30 PM

Your husband sounds awesome backing you on this!
I'm sure it will take a few practice runs but it sounds like the two of you working together will straighten this out.

Good luck

**Joy** · 05-14-2009 07:51 PM

I agree that some people can not stand to see other people happy. They like to find time to fill their boredom. Good luck setting boundaires and keeping a healthy balance of family. You seem really confident about yourself and maybe that is why she is always finding new ways to attack your relationship.

**claudia200** · 05-15-2009 09:58 AM

Thank you guys!!

**ophelie** · 07-19-2009 10:03 PM

Hello!

It's the first time I connect to this website and I had to do it to let you know what I think, and what the previous poster said that marriage is based on trust etc etc, it has nothing to do with what you are trying to say. And I think I understand your situation 100% because I experienced a little bit of that before.

First of all, the sister telling you that they all used to be friends before YOU came into the picture, you really need to put this woman back in her place. First of all, she DOES not control your husband, he should be dancing to the beat of your drum, to put it nicely, you should be his princess and his object of love and affection, your happiness your comfort should be 1000000000000000 times more important than what his sister thinks he should do or an ex that pops back into the picture. It Is totally OK that you tell him, that NO ITS NOT OK that you absolutely do not want the ex back in his life as a 'friend'. Ask him, if you have to make up a story to make him jealous, to make him understand that would he like that you were friends now with an ex who adored you whom you were in love with and you had so many years together. The past should STAY in the past.

Now about the sister, she sounds like a b***h. Really, she should live her live mind her business, but she sounds like a rotten seed, even a little sick that she would want to ruin her brother's marriage. She is jealous of you she does not really like you, and she has some problems in her head. I think she would be 1000% ok if she had her brother's attention all to herself. I might be mistaken about her I do not know her well, but from what I read and from your attitude writing about her, I sense I am not mistaken.

In the end, it all depends on your husband, and ultimately on you. Your husband should deal with the sister and not you. If your husband is really a normal guy, he should recognize the strain the sister has put on you and ask the sister to calm down, stop passing phone numbers to exs, and just concentrate on making you happy and his life with you. If he is not going ALL or MOST or ANY of this, chances are this guy is not a keeper, now I am not saying go divorce him tomorrow, but really think about it, you should now spend your nerves on this stuff, let your husband know absolutely no exs as friends , if not you are contacting your hot Spanish lover from the past to chit chat, and let him deal with the sister. She is not your sister she is his sister, so if she is really wacko like that, let him deal with her!

There should only be one princess in your home, you, not the sister.

Originally Posted by claudia200

oh and one more thing...about 5 years ago his ex was in town visiting his sister and the ex went to my husband's work during lunch. I guess he felt guilty like two months after this incident happened and he mentioned to me. I told him I did not feel comfortable that this woman was back in his life. he argued that he really likes her as a friend and that he would not mind to have a friendly relationship with her. I told him I would not want him to have her as a friend. About a week later his sister called me and said that this girl and her were friends for a long time before I came in the picture and that she was going to continue to be friends and hang out together with her even if I did not like it. I told her that I had never said that she could not hang out with her and that I was only referring to my husband and I when I said I was not comfortable being friends with the ex. (There were several minor incidents with included the ex and his sister before and after this incident).

**ophelie** · 07-19-2009 10:10 PM

very very good advice

Originally Posted by WildChild

Let me see if I've got this, you have an 18 yr old daughter together, have been married for 10 years - so you've actually been together for 19 years or so? Has his sister been like this all along?

You might want to try a couple of things, one would be to mix things up a bit, invite them over, get her off her turf. Take the high road and don't ignore her inappropriate behavior but change your response. When she asks those none-of-her-business questions, give her a blank look and in a completely flat voice ask, "why would you want to know?" Other responses you can use are: "Oh,(pause) really?", "Why would you say that?", "I don't consider that any of My business" or just very pointedly and meaninlessly change the subject, "Do you think that quantum theory has any application on a macro level?" "Oh did you get new throw pillows?"

Since she like to be the focus you could try, when she starts in, looking at her quizically and saying ,"There's something different about you. I can't quite put my finger on it." If she suggests something like her hair style, look doubtful and say, " well maybe". Then whenever she needs redirecting pull it back up, "I don't think it is your hair..."

Just keep her off guard.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy but maybe a bit nieve about women or at least certain types of women. Don't push it too hard, it's better to have him knowing he can be honest with you. Can you turn this into a joke? The ex sees how happy you are, she wants in on the action? He's perfect for you, not her.

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