Thread: I think my husband's sister is trying to ruin my marriage, advice please

oh and one more thing...about 5 years ago his ex was in town visiting his sister and the ex went to my husband's work during lunch. I guess he felt guilty like two months after this incident happened and he mentioned to me. I told him I did not feel comfortable that this woman was back in his life. he argued that he really likes her as a friend and that he would not mind to have a friendly relationship with her. I told him I would not want him to have her as a friend. About a week later his sister called me and said that this girl and her were friends for a long time before I came in the picture and that she was going to continue to be friends and hang out together with her even if I did not like it. I told her that I had never said that she could not hang out with her and that I was only referring to my husband and I when I said I was not comfortable being friends with the ex. (There were several minor incidents with included the ex and his sister before and after this incident).

Thank you for replying so quick. Here is a bit more info. My husband has several female friends and many female coworkers he is friends with. In fact his best friend is a woman. He had worked with her for about three years and they remained friends after she transferred to a different school. He is a high school teacher and has several female friends there too. (These are friends that we don't have in common although I have met them before but they are his friends just like I have mine) I have no problem with these friendships.
I think the first time I felt very uncomfortable about his ex was right before we got married. He told me he had several dreams that he left me because he wanted to be with his ex. I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said no. two months after our marriage I became aware of him talking to her because she wanted to meet me and him. I met her and that was that.
I don't really know how much contact there has been between the two of them. When he told me about the email I asked how many emails they shared, he said it was only one email. Later that day he said it was a couple of emails instead of just one. And later the next day he said they spoke on the phone too. I asked him if I could see the emails and he said no. He then deleted all of then and refused to share the password to his email account. I did not even know he had password to his computer because I never felt I had to check on him. I am somewhat ashamed to be jealous of her and I told him that if he keeps things open between the two of us that I could begging to learn to trust him again. We have been working throu this for sometime now and he removed his passwords from his two computers. I told him that I would not check on him or his computers because I want to show him I trust him.

I still am very angry at his sister for helping her friend intrude in our marriage. His sister has not been very kind to me or my daughter. (She has called my daughter "spoiled brat" several times in front of my husband and me.) When her father gave me a piece of furniture she was very upset that he did that and her father had to ask for it back and gave it to her. In front of the whole family she told her mother and father that she wants to keep all the 'heirlooms' in the family so they should go to her only. It's a lot of petty stuff like this trough out the years and I told myself that I would be polite when we visited her at her home. She is constantly wanting to have dinners with us (almost every Saturday). I was okay with ignoring her behavior until now, but this thing with the ex-girlfriend really upset me and that is why I don't want to be around her anymore. I have no problem if he goes there and visits with her thou. He has assured me he loves me and I believe him. I know I have my insecurities and my husband and I are working together because we want to be happy together. My issue right now is what to do about her.

By the way my sister in law often asks my husband and I if my brother is still married to his wife. She often calls her a skank when she is talking about her. I told her twice that I did not like it when she call my brother's wife that. And she responded "Well that's what she is!" The wost part is that my husband's sister is also constantly inviting my brother to come to her house for dinner and when my brother and his wife have accepted her invitation and visited them at her home, my husbands sister is very sweet to my brother's wife and treats her nice. I did not like how she is two faced so I told my brother that she talks badly about his wife (I did not tell him the word because I felt really bad). My brother does not visit her anymore. I can't help but think that maybe she talks badly about me when I am not there too.

My husbands sister is married but has said to my husband that she is going to get a divorce because she says her husband is like a teenager and she is tired of taking care of him. He seems like a nice guy but is very intense and forgetful.

Our daughter (she is our child together) is 18 years old and moved to attend college last September. She has visited twice since then for a week at each time. We have no other children.

My husband and I are making an effort now that it is only the two of us to go out to dinner or go hiking or shopping. He does not like to go out as much as I like and when we do go out it is usually to a place he likes. I am ok with it as long as we are together. I joined a local gym and my girlfriend and I go there twice a week.

My husband likes going to his sister's house and sometimes he goes alone to her house because he is really good at fixing computers so she just calls him and says she needs his help and he goes to her house. He usually says "I got to go to [her name]'s house I'll be back. She lives two blocks away from us by the way.

She likes people to visit her at her home. She loves to host potluck dinners. In the last two years the number of people coming to her dinners have been dwindling. Lately it is only her, her husband, her two boys, her mom and dad. Almost every Saturday she invites us to dinner. When my husband tells me that she invited us for dinner I say okay and we go. Most times I don't want to go but a while back I decided to ignore her bad behavior and I am polite when I am at her house (There were a few times I had to say something because she crossed the line, like when she called my brother's wife that ugly name, or when she asked my brother's six year old daughter "Why does your mom and dad fight sometimes")
I admit I cannot ignore her anymore and I am very resentful of her. The few times we have argued because of something she did at first my husband defends her. When he sees that I am more upset then he admits she is difficult but he says that since she is family we can't do anything about it. I don't agree with him but I am hesitant about cutting ties with her. I need to think about the ramifications of my decision. I have thought about talking to her but I don't want to put the effort anymore specially when I feel that she won't change. A while back I thought she had changed and she really didn't. Do you think I should I stick to my initial decision of not seeing her anymore?

I really appreciate the time you had taken to discuss this issue with me. I don't really want to get anybody in my family involved with this issue for fear that it will create more problems.

Thank you for your suggestion. I know it means a lot to him that I go there. I like the idea of being more assertive and I think you're right when you say that not giving her the control she wants is key. I will say something and not just ignore her poor behavior next time and see what happens. Wish me luck Saturday is fast approaching. You know? Just writing about this has taken a lot of the anxiety away too. Thanks you again.

Men are usually naive when it comes to their sisters. As conniving and backstabbing as they can be...their brothers have grown up with them and know exactly how they are but have learned to ignore the idiosy. Men usually don't get wrapped up in that kind of stuff. He probably actually feels sorry for his sister.

If his sister chooses to be friends with his ex-girlfriend that is her business, but I agree with you, she has no business handing out your husbands e-mail address or phone number! You mentioned that she is miserable in her marriage, this could be where this bitterness comes from.

This scenario sounds exactly what goes on with my boyfriend's sister. He has a sister who is in a miserable marriage. She wears the pants in the family and everything is about her. She is stuck in the past also with always mentioning my boyfriends past girlfriends and is still a friend with his ex-wife (although, the friendship that she maintains that she has isn't I don't think as close as what she portrays). His sister being in her 40's, still runs to their mother and makes up stories and squeals on her brother about things regarding him and I. His mother snubs him for a few weeks making him feel guilty and at times I can tell he pulls away from me emotionally. His mother has mentioned to me that I am not to get in between my boyfriend and his sister (in the meantime, I cannot figure out what I have done). My boyfriend tells me that this is the way she is and he can't change her.

All I can say is, it is his sister, but if he continues to go along with how she acts and never shuts her down, she will continue to get away with it (he is enabling the behaviour). She is acting like a child and should be treated as such. If she does something wrong, people have to take something away from her, whether that being a Sat night dinner at her house or just avoiding her for awhile. Maybe then she'll clue in and think to herself "if I tick my brother's wife off with my conniving tricks, my brother doesn't speak to me so I better knock it off". I feel this is something that your husband has to take the reins on as it is his sister. If he doesn't want to take the reins, maybe you could ask him for suggestions as to how to deal with her.

Good luck to you, in-laws are not easy, especially when they are spoiled!