Can't convince boyfriend to get a job

**kgo** · 05-14-2009, 11:07 AM

I've been dating a guy for 2 years. He's worked since he was 10. He's a great worker, and is handy is just about anything

I've recently graduated, landed a great job and am getting my courses paid for by my boss and I feel like I've got my life on track (although things can change very quickly.. but I feel like I'm in a good spot)

he has just recently graduated, and works for 10 dollars an hour. He wants to buy a new truck but can't get a co-signer so he gets all depressed and in a bad mood and he takes it out on me sometimes (not abusive, we just fight cause he's in a bad mood)

I'm trying to convince him that he needs to go out, get some training in something, possibly a trade since he's so good at everything (electrical, welding, mechanical, body work - you name it, he can do it) but he doesn't want to take any time off working to go to school. WHere we live, if you take a trade the gov't pays for it and you get EI while your in school for the 6 weeks a year but he just doesn't want to have to do that he just wants to find a job right now.

I know this sounds awful, and it sounds so shallow and I feel like the worst girlfriend ever because I know that money shouldn't matter but I don't want to be with him if he's always going to be making very little money skipping from job to job when the last one runs out or gets laid off. (Running equipment, working in the woods etc). I really want to have children and I want a good life for them. I also know that I will make decent money in my job and want to live comfortably.

It's not JUST the money end of things, it's the fact that he can't see the big picture. He's stuck on NOW and can't see into the future. He can be am extremely negative person and it someimtes brings me down but I love him and feel like he is worth working on.

I've tried tellin him that waiting a few years to buy the things you want and getting a good job is so worth it but he doesn't understand. Do you guys have any advice I can say to him? Maybe someone else here will word it better or differently that I do to him.

What do you all think? Should I stick around and wait and see what happens or leave now?

Thanks so much for reading.

**sourpuss** · 05-14-2009, 11:32 AM

I dated a guy the same way. I think that money smarts and the ability to see long-term is something you're taught as a child and it's either something you have or you don't. I've never met anyone who is bad with money ever learn to be good with money. Not to say that it can't happen, but I've never seen it.

I think you know what you need to do. You've given 10 reasons why you should let him go and move forward and only one or two as to why you should stay. (and even then, that comes with 'work')

If you have your head on straight and you know what you want and what you need to get there, then don't waste anymore time with someone who doesn't have the same goals as you. Life is too short. You don't want to wake up when you're 35 and paying his car payment, going to work everyday while he's working some service job with no moitvation to better himself.

You can still care about him and wish the best for him but don't drag yourself down to mother a man who lacks motivation and the ability to have long-term goals. It's just not worth it. Believe me. I did it for 6 years. 6 years I'll never get back and now everyone my age is married with kids and I'm by myself because I spent so long trying to make something work that was doomed from the beginning.

**WildChild** · 05-14-2009, 01:44 PM

Been there and maybe a better woman than I am could have motivated and turned it around, I couldn't. Interestingly once I divorced the man and he had to pay his own bills and make his own way he mananged to get and keep a job (he's had it for over 25 years now). He has to want it and be willing to make the changes. If he sees no reason to and you can't live with being the primary income earner (remember having kids? who's going to care for them?) then move on and find someone who's values and goals are more in line with yours.

**kgo** · 05-14-2009, 05:40 PM

thanks so much for your replies. I really like this message board.

You guys said exactly what I needed to hear (whether I wanted to or not, haha)

thanks again.

**Joy** · 05-14-2009, 07:16 PM

You mentioned work on him... you can't he will have to make his own choices he has to do the work on himself. Even when it hurts to see them struggle

maybe you guys are just not on the same page. You right in pointing out his behavior that don't take his bad moods out on you.

**rcoreyus** · 05-14-2009, 11:09 PM

Work isn't just about money, it is about doing your part for society, and it is about having pride in yourself. It sounds like he has skills that could be improved by training. There are many good job options out there - he should find something that his is good at and that he enjoys.

If you are unsure of your feelings, ask yourself how you would feel if he had an important, responsible but low paying job: teacher, cargo pilot (pay is terrible), park ranger, etc. Be honest with yourself - do you care about money? status? worth to society?

If you and he have very different ideas about work, you may never be happy together.

**kgo** · 05-15-2009, 06:15 AM

If he had a low paying job that he had worked towards, that would be fine with me. It's the fact he has NO idea what he wants to do in life. I say "what do you enjoy doing out of all the handyman work you do?" and he said "i dont know" and i ask him what he could picture himself doing everyday that he might enjoy and he just says "i dont know" he is very indecisive and also can't make decisions.

last night i was talking to him (he always asks me what I think he should do, and what I can see him doing but I dont say one specific thing because i dont want to sway him into something he doesn't want to do) and i was saying he would be a great apprentice and tradesmen and he said it's hard to get into that and i said yes it is hard work to get into it and he says that he doesn't get everything handed to him like i do (which i have a lot of help and connections, but i have worked since i was 12 years old) and i got upset and said i had to go. i then called him to back to tell him it was over (i was really hurt) and he wouldn't answer the phone his mom said he wouldnt' take the phone.

it really hurts, i've typed up resumes, tried to get him different jobs (my mom builds houses and she has tonnes of connections) that he said he may be interested in, i do a lot for this guy. i drive out to his house every weekend, he lives 45 min away and i always drive us around and pay for a lot of things and he attacks me.

i'm so sad that someone i love so much turns on me cause they are frustrated when all i want to do it help and listen to them and get them on a good track so that they can be happy in life.

i'm learning there isn't really anything i can do, and i think this may be the end of our 2 year relationship as much as i dont want it to be. i have never had a breakup like this before, so it's all new to me and hurts alot. thanks for listening guys. you're the best.

**kgo** · 05-15-2009, 06:17 AM

by attacks i dont mean he hurts me, he just says i get everything handed to me and stuff like that.

**rcoreyus** · 05-15-2009, 11:03 PM

I'm very sorry about your breakup, but from the sound of things it is probably for the best. You don't sound like you would be happy with someone who plans to drift aimlessly.

He has no call to attack you. You may have been helped by other people, but you have done a lot of helping yourself (as you tried to help your former boyfriend). If he feels that people don't help him, what has he done for them?

good luck.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-16-2009, 04:28 AM

Quote:

his mom said he wouldnt' take the phone.

You know what I think?

A classic example of your boyfriend was not taught the importance of life... The importance of what it has to offer, if he works towards something.

He is lazy, doesn't "want" to work hard, to get ahead in life, you've been taught different, from 12 years of age, get your butt out there and do and it will happen.

You are from different walks of life.

If his Mother has stated, "he doesn't want to talk to you". She may, they may even be the cause, not ever had anything themselves, and so, never instilled it into their son.

He is acting "jealous" of your life, your spirit, your passions in life....

This sort of person would be happy for your to bring in the dollar and them look after the baby doing not much more...

You have visions, aspirations, life, goals.....

He has none.

Bad match, regardless of what ever else you had.

And, his hurtful comments? Laid on your lap? pfttt... You've worked, and know the meaning of hard work .....

As I said, he has no understanding, he was never taught values.

That's my take on this,

CW

05-14-2009, 11:07 AM	#1
kgo VIP Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 43	Can't convince boyfriend to get a job I've been dating a guy for 2 years. He's worked since he was 10. He's a great worker, and is handy is just about anything I've recently graduated, landed a great job and am getting my courses paid for by my boss and I feel like I've got my life on track (although things can change very quickly.. but I feel like I'm in a good spot) he has just recently graduated, and works for 10 dollars an hour. He wants to buy a new truck but can't get a co-signer so he gets all depressed and in a bad mood and he takes it out on me sometimes (not abusive, we just fight cause he's in a bad mood) I'm trying to convince him that he needs to go out, get some training in something, possibly a trade since he's so good at everything (electrical, welding, mechanical, body work - you name it, he can do it) but he doesn't want to take any time off working to go to school. WHere we live, if you take a trade the gov't pays for it and you get EI while your in school for the 6 weeks a year but he just doesn't want to have to do that he just wants to find a job right now. I know this sounds awful, and it sounds so shallow and I feel like the worst girlfriend ever because I know that money shouldn't matter but I don't want to be with him if he's always going to be making very little money skipping from job to job when the last one runs out or gets laid off. (Running equipment, working in the woods etc). I really want to have children and I want a good life for them. I also know that I will make decent money in my job and want to live comfortably. It's not JUST the money end of things, it's the fact that he can't see the big picture. He's stuck on NOW and can't see into the future. He can be am extremely negative person and it someimtes brings me down but I love him and feel like he is worth working on. I've tried tellin him that waiting a few years to buy the things you want and getting a good job is so worth it but he doesn't understand. Do you guys have any advice I can say to him? Maybe someone else here will word it better or differently that I do to him. What do you all think? Should I stick around and wait and see what happens or leave now? Thanks so much for reading.

05-14-2009, 11:32 AM	#2
sourpuss WH Moderator Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Montana Posts: 2,182	I dated a guy the same way. I think that money smarts and the ability to see long-term is something you're taught as a child and it's either something you have or you don't. I've never met anyone who is bad with money ever learn to be good with money. Not to say that it can't happen, but I've never seen it. I think you know what you need to do. You've given 10 reasons why you should let him go and move forward and only one or two as to why you should stay. (and even then, that comes with 'work') If you have your head on straight and you know what you want and what you need to get there, then don't waste anymore time with someone who doesn't have the same goals as you. Life is too short. You don't want to wake up when you're 35 and paying his car payment, going to work everyday while he's working some service job with no moitvation to better himself. You can still care about him and wish the best for him but don't drag yourself down to mother a man who lacks motivation and the ability to have long-term goals. It's just not worth it. Believe me. I did it for 6 years. 6 years I'll never get back and now everyone my age is married with kids and I'm by myself because I spent so long trying to make something work that was doomed from the beginning. __________________ Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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05-14-2009, 01:44 PM	#3
WildChild WH Moderator Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 8,674 Blog Entries: 6	Been there and maybe a better woman than I am could have motivated and turned it around, I couldn't. Interestingly once I divorced the man and he had to pay his own bills and make his own way he mananged to get and keep a job (he's had it for over 25 years now). He has to want it and be willing to make the changes. If he sees no reason to and you can't live with being the primary income earner (remember having kids? who's going to care for them?) then move on and find someone who's values and goals are more in line with yours.

05-14-2009, 05:40 PM	#4
kgo VIP Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 43	thanks so much for your replies. I really like this message board. You guys said exactly what I needed to hear (whether I wanted to or not, haha) thanks again.

05-14-2009, 07:16 PM	#5
Joy Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 678 Blog Entries: 5	You mentioned work on him... you can't he will have to make his own choices he has to do the work on himself. Even when it hurts to see them struggle maybe you guys are just not on the same page. You right in pointing out his behavior that don't take his bad moods out on you.

05-14-2009, 11:09 PM	#6
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,742	Work isn't just about money, it is about doing your part for society, and it is about having pride in yourself. It sounds like he has skills that could be improved by training. There are many good job options out there - he should find something that his is good at and that he enjoys. If you are unsure of your feelings, ask yourself how you would feel if he had an important, responsible but low paying job: teacher, cargo pilot (pay is terrible), park ranger, etc. Be honest with yourself - do you care about money? status? worth to society? If you and he have very different ideas about work, you may never be happy together.

05-15-2009, 06:15 AM	#7
kgo VIP Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 43	If he had a low paying job that he had worked towards, that would be fine with me. It's the fact he has NO idea what he wants to do in life. I say "what do you enjoy doing out of all the handyman work you do?" and he said "i dont know" and i ask him what he could picture himself doing everyday that he might enjoy and he just says "i dont know" he is very indecisive and also can't make decisions. last night i was talking to him (he always asks me what I think he should do, and what I can see him doing but I dont say one specific thing because i dont want to sway him into something he doesn't want to do) and i was saying he would be a great apprentice and tradesmen and he said it's hard to get into that and i said yes it is hard work to get into it and he says that he doesn't get everything handed to him like i do (which i have a lot of help and connections, but i have worked since i was 12 years old) and i got upset and said i had to go. i then called him to back to tell him it was over (i was really hurt) and he wouldn't answer the phone his mom said he wouldnt' take the phone. it really hurts, i've typed up resumes, tried to get him different jobs (my mom builds houses and she has tonnes of connections) that he said he may be interested in, i do a lot for this guy. i drive out to his house every weekend, he lives 45 min away and i always drive us around and pay for a lot of things and he attacks me. i'm so sad that someone i love so much turns on me cause they are frustrated when all i want to do it help and listen to them and get them on a good track so that they can be happy in life. i'm learning there isn't really anything i can do, and i think this may be the end of our 2 year relationship as much as i dont want it to be. i have never had a breakup like this before, so it's all new to me and hurts alot. thanks for listening guys. you're the best.

05-15-2009, 06:17 AM	#8
kgo VIP Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 43	by attacks i dont mean he hurts me, he just says i get everything handed to me and stuff like that.

05-15-2009, 11:03 PM	#9
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,742	I'm very sorry about your breakup, but from the sound of things it is probably for the best. You don't sound like you would be happy with someone who plans to drift aimlessly. He has no call to attack you. You may have been helped by other people, but you have done a lot of helping yourself (as you tried to help your former boyfriend). If he feels that people don't help him, what has he done for them? good luck.