I'm a Mistress and I need help

**forks2009** · 05-22-2009 07:09 PM

This is the first time I've every admitted to anyone, what I consider to be the worst thing I've done in my short 25 years of life. It's a very long story, full of much emotion. And I am SO very lost now, and need some advice.

Nearly 4 years ago a very smart, good looking, fun, successful man took an interest in me at work. I was recovering from a bad car accident and he offered to give me a ride to work and even took me to my college classes. He was very sweet. We are 14 years apart.

We spent time after work just chatting about anything and everything. I soon started to like him and we talked as often as we could. It was very innocent in the beginning. It took him 3 months get the nerve to kiss me. I was so excited. I was a late bloomer in High School I hadn't really had a boyfriend before this. So this was all very new and exciting to me. 8 months after our first kiss we told each other that we loved each other. Soon after I went with him on a business trip and at 21 years old I gave him my virginity. I was so happy. We held each other all night. He was very sweet and romantic, it was a perfect movie moment. Now, I'm sure there are a few of you ready to rip my head off, saying he's playing you. But for just a moment go against your instinct to hate him and me. And believe for a second that we did both love each other.
This relationship was extremely difficult I've cried myself to sleep many nights.
We were together for nearly four years. He told me that him and his wife did not sleep together that they were good roommates nothing more then just friends. He said he was afraid to leave her because he didn't want to be a weekend dad to their two sons.

He came over last week, to help me celebrate my birthday and my graduation from college. As we laid in bed watching tv holding each other he said that things at home were weird and because of that we couldn't sleep together. After I pressured him for answers he told me that out of the blue in the last 2 weeks his wife had been want to have sex which of course he had to participate. This was a huge shock to me because they hadn't slept together in years. I could tell he felt terrible which made me feel happy. He was nearly in tiers telling me. He said that his heart still felt the same for me and that he's problems with his wife were still there. But that he couldn't sleep with me if he was going to sleep with her.

I of course was crushed. Never in my clearest mind did I ever think this was right, but I justified it, because she wasn't nice to him, because they didn't sleep together and because he loved me and I loved him.

Now I'm 25 years old, only been with one man, only loved one man... and am emotional distraught.

I'm looking for advice, how do I pick up the pieces after this relationship? How do I move on? I'm so confused, I have so much hate and love for him. I'm so angry at him, myself. I'm so hurt and feel so betrayed. I have vengeances in my heart. I want him to hurt as badly as I do.
He still wants to be friends, he says he wants to help me find a job, and check in on me from time to time. I know that this wasn't' a game to him, and I know he loves me. If you believed that to be true, what would your advice be? He looked very hurt when I told him we shouldn't talk anymore.
Should I just tell his wife? Is that even right?

This wasn't about sex, remember he made me wait 8 months before we slept together, I had ask him a million times before to be my first but he said it should be special and perfect. He set candles in the hotel room at sunset.

**rcoreyus** · 05-22-2009 07:22 PM

I think it is possible to be attracted to, and even fall in love in a situation like this. He was probably feeling lonely and neglected - and he probably really did care for you, maybe really did love you. He felt it was OK since his wife wasn't sleeping with him. I don't think he (or you) planned this - you two just drifted together. I don't blame you - but now I think you need to end it. His wife is sleeping with him again, so he can no longer justify (even to himself) sleeping with you. Ask him to understand that it is too painful to talk to him . I would NOT tell his wife - if their relationship is getting back together, why ruin it. Did he ever say he would leave her for you? I know it doesn't lessen the pain, but you knew the situation, knew that something like this might happen, and probably guessed that the relationship couldn't last forever. I think you may have learned some things about love that most people never know - but it is time to move on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2009 07:51 PM

I think Rcoreyus has said it perfectly.

I don't believe he was after sex, he did wait 8 months and from what you have suggested, you hinted it was okay before that time, but he declined.

It may have been mixed emotions on his behalf, but I do believe that he loved you.

What is love? There is love and "in-love", women have a more emotional connection than men do, their whole being, their whole heart goes to that person and often they lose their independence.

I hope you didn't lose yours and have friends, close... Family, hobbies and if so, this is where you need to place all your energy.

Corey is also right in as much as you probably learnt more things about love than most people, so take that with you in knowledge that this was a lesson to learn in life and that you weren't used by 10 "boys" as they hopped from one girl to another, you had a love affair of your life, be it right or wrong.

Keep the memories as for what they are.... This was not to be, he is not your soulmate but a memory that you will treasure and start your new cycle of your new beginning of your life.

Don't look back, don't let him check up on you "from time to time" as you won't be able to move on, you will live in hope, when there is none....

Smile in that knowledge..

Keep that part of your life to yourself, until you truly find the partner "soul connection" that can be yours and exclusively yours for life and you know that person when he comes is the one you want forever.

A new boyfriend, may not comprehend this story...

Stay focused on your future, hold dearly your memories and get out there and live your new life.

CW

**WildChild** · 05-22-2009 09:13 PM

Life is a learning experience. Revenge, vengence, whatever never does any good. It won't serve you. At some point you knew he was married and you allowed the relationship to develop, from the time you knew, you became as responsible for the situation as he was. He may have drawn you in and not told you until you were emotionally entangled but once you knew, you had the option to end it and didn't.

Bare in mind that all you know of his marriage and home life is what he told you, he may have been truthful and he may not. You may never know what really was/is going on. Some people are polyamorous and fully able to love more than one person, he may be one of those. You telling his wife will not accomplish anything positive for you. This is always a thorny area, some people will insist she has a right to know, others will argue not. Personally I think you should be focused on moving forward and contacting her will simply serve to further embroil you in the situation and make it harder for you to move on.

You don't have experience in dealing with a relationship ending. It's rarely easy, it will hurt for a while, maybe a long while. Don't dwell there. You've finished school and it's time to move into another phase of your life. Think of him as a special man who taught you many good things and a few bad ones. Keep busy, get a new hairstyle, take up a new hobby, get out to the gym and work out regularly, do some casual dating, you may be surprised how soon are finding a new lease on life!

**forks2009** · 05-22-2009 11:40 PM

Thank you for replying to my post... I was in some much needed help. I thought this was SO helpful. Thank you so much and you've given me so much to think about!

We haven't really talked since Tuesday except for a phone conversation the following day. I've written a him a good bye letter. Knowing him he'll call while he is at work next week.
I'll try to get him to meet me so I can have a proper good bye. However, if he wont I suppose I'll be left with the images from Tuesday as our good bye, that would suck. I don't want to share my entire “good bye letter” but here is a little pieces. What do you think?

Sometimes you'd look at me not with your eyes but with your soul.
I can not compare this relationship to another but I think we had a very special connection something extra ordinary. But we can not talk anymore. If we continued to talk I will never be able to move on with my life. And I so badly want and deserve a man who cherish the ground I walk on, who will love me in public and who wants to have children with me.
I do not regret loving you nor will I ever. It will be hard to not talk but my heart is broken and to continue to talk would mean my heart will only continue to break.
This has been the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life and I still agonize over it.
I am not weak … and I will continue my life after this... however, I will never be the same person again I have learned a great deal from this relationship and I have also been so badly hurt from this relationship.

There's a little more, but i'm going to save some of the anger stuff for him. The only thing is I know if we do it over the phone it's easier for him to blow if off, if his in front of my face he cant get out of it. Thank you for your encouragment. Ummm

OH man, this pain is actually physical, I never knew that your heart could actually ache! I just thought it was a figure of speech! awwww

**rcoreyus** · 05-23-2009 12:21 AM

I'd skip the anger. He hurt you - but I would guess he is hurt himself and that he will hurt more in the future - his wife will probably stop sleeping with him again, and he will regret loosing you. In time you will find someone else, and he will be stuck in a marriage that cannot be happy.

I actually pity him more than you. (this has nothing to do with who is at fault). He has seen what he is missing and can never have again. You can have love and passion in the future.

I would just send the first two paragraphs from above. Keep it short. Don't let your pain turn to anger - you will regret it in the future.

I am sorry you are hurting - I know words cannot describe how you feel. It would be easy to say " you will get over it", but that isn't true. You will have been changed - but not just for the worse. You will be wiser and the pain will go away. As I mentioned before, I think you have learned something about love that few people know - but that knowledge comes at a price.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-23-2009 03:21 AM

I agree , yet again why is that Corey? Wise souls?

But, I would leave in the "I am not weak",

My take on that is exactly what rcoreyus said.. "He will again not have sex and search for you and see if you are single still", he will....

I would state, " I am an extremely strong person, in will and in decisions, once final they are final"...

Personally.

Take care..

4 years is along time, but from my own experience and that of others, at 45, I know, that someone else is around the corner, is better, and more love will ooze from you that you ever knew existed because there will be candlelit dinners, dancing, laughing, sleeping together, night after night, remember all the times you were lonley and needed, now you no longer have to ever feel that again, as next time, he will be in your life, daily....

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-23-2009 03:46 AM

I think the late bloomer aspect of your life played a major role in your decision to go through with this relationship. I don't think badly of you for falling in love, you were single. He on the other hand, whether sexless marriage or not seems kind of a lost soul. The way he let himself be carried away with you, and now is letting himself be carried back home... he is kind of in the breeze there and seems to be picking the roads that are easiest for him each step of the way.

You are going to hurt, don't think of the time you spent as a waste, you lived, you loved, you learned. You shared precious moments and memories and now, yes, some painful heartbreak. He was/is your first love and that stings the longest than any of the others. But it will cease to ache.

I think that sometimes the mistress position is more painful than the wife, as you are aware of the situation, know that he's going home to her... and she is blisfully unaware that he is absent in their marriage. He gets all the comforts of a home all the fresh new spring love honeymoon phase with the mistress.

While you had to endure those sleepless painful nights, he rested comfortable as did she. While you struggle to pick up the peices, he moves on as if nothing happened... of course he had feelings for you, and his heart is surely broken as well.. what I mean is he is right back to square one where he was before you started and has someone to go home to.

You are young, 25, you have your whole life ahead of you, and your heart will heal and become bigger (and smarter) and you will always be the person you are because of the person you once were.

I wish you all the love and happiness and healing that is in store for you, and when your heart aches for this man... remind yourself of all the reasons it should not. No it won't take the pain away, but it will help your rational mind not let you wallow in it for longer than you need to recover.

**WildChild** · 05-23-2009 09:25 AM

I agree with what has been said in the responses you've gotten. But I would caution you, the fairy tales aren't true. Don't be holding out for a man who will reverence the ground you walk on and live to love you - that's not what life or relationships are about. A good relationship takes work, it has ups and downs. Find a place where you are happy and doing well on your own, then when a good man, comes into your life, you can be with him because you choose to not because you have a desparate desire to feel loved. You know you are fully able to give and recieve love, so take your time. It's very easy to fall into something on the rebound and while that sometimes works, more often than not it doesn't. Keep it light for a while, date but don't get too involved right away. Give yourself some time to find joy within before you look for it with anyone else.

Yes it can be physical pain as well as emotional. It will pass. Be good to yourself, love yourself, buy yourself flowers, spend time with freinds, read good books, cry through movies, don't wallow in it. You'll be fine.

**rcoreyus** · 05-24-2009 12:29 AM

My comment on wisdom was that experience can teach you that Hollywood and romances do not understand love and relationships at all. They present a simple world of the "right" and "wrong" person - maybe you don't know at first which someone is, but one of them is right.

In the real world it is not so simple. It is possible to love someone who is not right for you.

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I'm a Mistress and I need help

Thank you: WildChild, CHANDLERS WISH, rcoreyus

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