I need some guidance please.

**Chelclc** · 05-26-2009 04:28 PM

Ok, I have a very uncomfortable situation.

I've been in a relationship with a man for a couple of years now.. He's in his early 30s and I'm in my mid twenties. He wants us to have a threesome. With another woman. I knew when I met him that he liked things like this. We have done stuff with other couples. I have a problem with the situation, bc I feel like if I don't have a threesome with him now, that he will leave me. I've never really had a problem with him looking at porn or other women, bc I felt like he wanted only me (and what men don't do that). Now I no longer feel that way. We have sex about once a month... He gets upset and argumentative with me because he makes jokes about masturbating or doing stuff with other woman, and I don't find it very humorous (a lot of times it makes me cry) ... bc we have a lot of problems with our own sex life. I've tried to ask him why we don't have a strong sexual relationship and he says it's bc he's tired a lot (which he does work about 60 hours a week) or bc we argue so much (which is mostly about this topic). I told him that this doesn't really make any sense.. since that didn't hinder him during the first part of our relationship.. but now it does. I don't know what to do. He won't listen to me, and his mind is very set on this subject. I love him very much, but I just don't know what to do. Thanks for any help you can give me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-26-2009 04:42 PM

He won't listen to me, and his mind is very set on this subject.

Is that the type of relationship you really want to be in? With a man whom won't listen to you, mind made up, you do it or else I will get it somewhere else? Where is the love there?

However think on this:-

If you didn't mind doing it (couples) and agreed at the inset of your relationship I presume? And, now you've settled into a relationship and therefore don't wish to do anything other with your man? That's a tough call, because obviously he made it clear from the inset what type of sexual relations he wants within a relationship and perhaps you've changed your mind, tune and now want exclusive when he was never this way from the start, hense his arguements and non sex.

If that is the case, then that was whom he was, and is and you can't change that, and so if your not happy with sharing, then you may have to call it quits.

But, if he didn't state all of this from day dot, rather bought it into the picture and "for him", you tried the couple thing and since then he's been arguing with you for a threesome, then he wasn't straight forward and honest from the word go and tricked you, again therefore, why would you want a relationship like that?

Which way was it? Just to help people answer you better.

Welcome to the Forum.

CW

**Chelclc** · 05-26-2009 04:55 PM

I knew he was like this from the beginning. I have never liked doing this stuff with him, and he knows that. And I don't want to change him. So I am really stuck between a rock and hard spot. The big problem is that I have tried to explain that I don't feel comfortable... and that if he would sit down with me and talk with me, and tell me that he still finds me attractive and all that jazz. Then we wouldn't have a problem. But he says he doesn't see how that will help. I guess what i'm trying to say is that I don't feel secure in my relationship, and we are really rocky right now.. he has tried to break up with me in the past couple of months.

At one point in time before we met, I had fantasies about these kinda things too.

I guess what i'm asking is ... what should I say to him.. to try and get him to understand how I feel on this subject.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-26-2009 05:01 PM

I asked you those questions because if he made it clear from the start his preference of his sexual life and you went out with him, he would have expected that you would be part of all of that, and you did at the beginning but as I said, then you wanted "exclusive", changed the "rules" persay and he's mad..

It's not what he wants and he obviously doesn't want you enough on your own, rather that form of a relationship.

It's not for you, it's not what you want, you want exclusivity and he doesn't other than you, but others with you and he as I said, made that clear.

You have explained it to him sweet, and he has said,

he doesn't see how that will help

He's basically saying do it or we are through.

Well that's selfish on his behalf but like I said, he told you his preference...at the beginning so he probably feels caged.

You had fantasies but you realised that is all that they are, and want to leave them there, as a fantasy.. No doubt you would be happy to try all sorts of things with a loving man (one on one), just the two of you.

Go seek that person, your just mis-matched love, in the sex department, before you start to think it's you and your not a turn on with is not the case.

CW

**blondie80** · 05-26-2009 08:03 PM

Im going to put an honest opinion in here im sorry if it offends, I think he doesn't really care what you think or feel, you guys started off the relationship like this and now its not happening he is not happy. He doesn't understand or care your reasons behind it and is obviously not willing too.
He has probably made more of a comitment to you thinking that this is the way your relationship is always going to be and you changed the rules, I think if you really dont want to do this any more than you would be better off with someone else that wants to be "exclusive"

**rcoreyus** · 05-26-2009 11:58 PM

I wouldn't be concerned about what is "fair" or was expected. It sounds like he wants a different sort of sexual relationship than you do. Assuming you don't have kids, and unless there is some other powerful reason to stay, maybe you should each go your own ways. He will find someone who shares his tastes, and you will find someone who shares your idea of a relationship.

It doesn't sound like there is a compromise that will make you both happy.

I know breaking up a long term relationship is painful, but it is much better than living for longer in one where you are not happy.

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