should i stay or go?

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-02-2009 08:04 AM

im going to get right to the point.

i had a gut feeling something wasn't right. so i was unethical and snooped. i know that was bad. i should have stopped myself. however; i come to find out that he's talking to a girl he claims he stopped talking to. and talking about sexual innuendos. now. the delima; he has been through a lot with me. and to be honest i wouldn't be where i am right now if it wasn't for his support. but lately; everything just seems different. i want to be there for him right now because he's been there for me. however; the way things are i feel like im hanging on to something i should have let go. he doesn't say i love you as much to me; we're not that intimate anymore. i mean, i don't really know what to do. a part of me says that i've ed up and maybe times have changed and things will never be the same. another part of me says stick it out. and that i love him.

**Fatin** · 06-02-2009 08:22 AM

mmm very hard position .. i feel u hun .. well let ask u this did u try talk to him about that girl?? have u try talk to him about what u feel??

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-02-2009 08:27 AM

no. i did awhile back and he said he stopped talking to her. im literally on the verge of "fudge this" i can't do this again. i've been hurt like this before. where my boyfriend at the time says oh, everything is innocent and it wasn't. im starting to see a similarity between them. my ex ended up cheating on me. i'm starting to think i might need a break.

**Fatin** · 06-02-2009 08:46 AM

well i was going to say that to you .. hunny its true he was there for you all this time but u don't have to stick with him while he keeps hurting u .. and i belive u shud go take a break u know relax and clear ur mind from every bad thing and after that break if u feel like he deserve another chance give it to him but try to tell him there will be no mistakes like in the past u know .. but if he doesn't deserve that chance just don't bother urself wasting ur time while u can find other good men in this world ..

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-02-2009 09:38 AM

yeah. i have to make a decision about this. i can't even lay next to him now. im on the couch. i've been awake since 4am. and its now almost 9am pst. i am not saying he's cheating on me. i just have a gut feeling that something is off. and i can't really pin point what it is. he says that i used to be more confident. and that he misses that about me. now i take everything negatively and i can't seem to stop thinking. i've only had two therapy sessions and i know its presumptious saying that therapy isn't working but it feels like its not helping. i've posted a thread here before asking if i should stay in a relationship while im going through therapy...and most have said to stay. although, im begining to think i should go. for both our sakes.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-02-2009 10:02 AM

I've got a bad habit as well of looking for problems where there isn't. Of seeing negetive where none is implied and of thinking WAY WAY WAY too much. Of reading heavily into the times where no I love you is said over the many times it is and focusing on all the things he might not be happy about instead of just believing him when he says he is.

In other post you mention worry of him being bored etc. I think maybe things are at a calm point in the relationship... theres is not rushes of excitement, not extreme awareness of his bliss, yet not drama of heated passionate fights... its just there. And there is nothing wrong with just there. In those times of quiet you think, maybe he doesn't love me as much, maybe he's bored. Men are more simple than that usually, I don't mean that in a bad way about them, I mean that they don't overthink the we do. He's eating, he's sleeping, I'm hoping you guys are at least occasionally intimate, and sometimes that is enough for them.

They don't need the constant reminders day to day of how much you mean to them, like most females seek. The more confidence you lose, the more you need , the more they will tire of giving. It's a horrible vicious circle.

If he makes you happy, I wouldn't give up on everything because you are feeling unsure, or because of doubts you have based soley on prior experience, and are projecting into this relationship. Take it easy, take some time for yourself, but don't sabotage what you have because your worried it will end badly, instead enjoy the now.

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-02-2009 10:22 AM

hopeless dork: i didn't see it that way. i do admit that i tend to seek the most negative things and base everything on that. i guess i can look at more positive things...like when i said i signed up to take music lessons he wanted to sign up with me. and have it be the same day. its just that its been really hard lately with a lot of stress from work. and him being worried about loosing his hair. i feel like i don't know how to relax any more. and he says that when i go back to how i used to be he will follow.

**WildChild** · 06-02-2009 12:16 PM

Sounds like you are both going through some changes.

Not all therapists are the same, like any relationship, sometimes you connect and sometimes you don't. Frankly some are really good and quite a few are useless. You m,ay want to shop around a bit see if you can find one who is a better fit for you.

It's interesting that he would say that you need to go back to being how you used to be. People are not static, we should be growing, learning and developing and that means we change over time. People who are really close will often change together. When they don't they may grow apart and find that they have come to want different things. That and his idea of "how you used to be" and yours may be quite different.

He says you used to be more confident, yet he is suffering from lack of confidence over his hair thinning. That's kind of funny in an ironical way. His sexy exchanges with another woman may be part if that. That may be filling a need to know that women other than the one he is in a relationship with, find him attractive. It brings to mind when I told my daughter how beautiful she was and she replied, "You're my mom, you have to say that." Sometimes people in relationships develop that kind of attitude too, the, "you love me so you don't really know if I'm attractive".

You are the only one who can decide. HD has made a good point that we can fall into a habit of seeing the negaitves instead of the positives and that starts a downward spiral. Perhaps journaling could help you sort some of your feelings out. Most women are verbal processors. We need to talk it out in some fashion in order to clarify our thinking.

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-02-2009 12:36 PM

It has been really tough for me and us. He has a lot of stress at work; and I have stress from my family. Its funny how you pointed out that he's telling me to be more confident and yet he's suffering from his own insecurities. I didn't think about that. When he mentioned him thinning out his hair he felt that no one would ever find him attractive. But then he says " I only want you to find me attractive" ... in my mind at the time i was thinking, so which is it? I didn't want to bring it up at the time because he was pretty upset about the situation(and still is) I want to know what part of me he "wants back" You are right WC people do change. The women he was talking to or is talking to (im not sure) was the person he once dated. I don't know how to feel about that either. Should I just let things go and basically be unmotivated in the relationship? Or should I fight for it?. I'm not as actively trying to be intimate with him at the moment; because I can't read him sometimes. So, I do the passive aggressive approach. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. To be honest I kind of stopped caring to bring it up. I just kind of go with whatever. I don't know if that's a healthy thing or not.

**WildChild** · 06-02-2009 12:40 PM

Sounds like you've gone kind of numb? That's not usually good although it may indicate that you need a break and time for some healing. But sex and love and laughter can be healing. If he feels your withdrawl that may fuel his insecurity, he may feel you aren't loving him any more. Can you dig down and find some joy? Bring some juiciness into things? It may be good for both of you!