when will the past be the past?
My bf has lived with me for 8 months. He was recently divorced when we met and I think I've put up with enough baggage to last a lifetime. They have no kids but shared a dog and at the beginning it was ridiculous. Texting, email, phone calls weekly about the dog - more than most people do with their kids. Anyway, it was making me uncomfortable so he stopped. I still had to go through his whole financial dilema, her mailing him this and that, dropping off this and that. Long story short, its finally, slowly coming to an end. Now her family has started inviting her to family events and she's going, which means I don't go because I beleive they would prefer her there and I don't want everyone feeling uncomfortable, including me. It's been ongoing. On top of all this, a few months ago we were going on vacation and he contacted someone he had an affair with during his marriage wto wish her a happy birthday and let her know we'd be not far from her on vacation. He actually brought it up that she'd like to get together. I blew up. The ex wife is enough! now this? He said she wasn't important, they stayed friends but I said no. The vacation was for the purpose of getting away from the ex drama so why yet someone else from the past? Now, a woman he met overseas years ago wants him to formally invite her here this summer. Years ago when they met he was willing to give up his life for her but it didnt' work out. Again, they keep in touch and he's been calling her monthly. Again, I got upset and now getting very resentful of this stuff and he can't see what the prolem is and thinks i'm just jealous. Not to mentioned he outright lied. he said he hadn't called in in months but he did in fact twice that day but didn't want to " upset me". I'm at a loss. I love him but feel like he's not respecting my feelings. He feels i'm overly sensative and jealous. How do I handle? Would other woman be bothered by this or am I an insecure person?
sounds like he is not commited to you and is still living the single life..the old saying "if he cheated on his wife what's to stop him from cheating on you" seems to ring true here..i would be concerned that his is clinging to past gf"s and affairs..
a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..
No you don't sound like an insecure person. He doesn't sound like a keeper. He hasn't ended anything in his life has he? Being able to be a freind with an ex is one thing, what he's doing is something else. If he and the ex are actually divorced and have no children together, there is no reason for all this contact. How long were they together that she is such a part of his family's activities? Usually if there are no kids that ends it, except maybe an occational holiday card or meeting your sister or mom for lunch if they were close.
He had an affair while he was married. That didn't set off any warning bells? He sounds like a kid in the candy shop - he wants it all. I'd give him lots of time on his own, in his own place to sort it out.
There's nothing wrong with staying friends with ex's, in fact it's probably a good thing because neither feel they were used, just not right for each other.
There is something wrong with "constant contact" and / or inviting to meet up on a vacation with your wife, whilst he may feel that it's okay because "your there" and therefore, there is nothing wrong, he's not going to cheat, it's in-sensitive to the word marriage and the reason why your on vacation.
Sounds like he likes women, female attention and that he is a big kid in a man's body with no understanding of commitment.
When someone lies, when they've previously had an affair, when "she" was the light of his life or so he thought and it didn't work, when "he" married and it didn't work and he played, you can expect it to be a continued cycle...
There is a reason why he can't keep hold of a relationship.
Maybe in his eyes, this is his way of rectifiying it in his mind, oblivious...
You wouldn't be the right person to express that and make him see his past.
But, his past isn't in the past... It's in the present.. And, it will remain in the future...
You have to decide if you can put up with it, because it may dwindle but it won't change.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
the other posters have given you great advice, but i also think you know it already. he is a two timing dirty dog. if you stay with him at least use condoms so you dont catch anything!
Take all those advice... I concur. And in addition, have yourself checked, get a pap smear and STD screening (please don't take this as being offensive). Even with the most loving of all relationships, it is still a must for us, women to make sure we are gynecologically sound. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.
P.S. Decide whether this is the way you want to be treated or not. The man seems to linger in the past and not savor the glory of his present. If he doesn't realize the golden opportunity, he missed out a lot by now. Don't miss out like he does, decide now, feel what you have to feel...and consider making him a part of your past. You deserve someone who will give you the importance, caring, undivided attention and love that you deserve more than anyone else.
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy
The clearest explanation for failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. - Anna Quindlen
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Very similar situation
This is very interesting to me because my relationship is very similar...as far as some of the facts. I am in a relationship with a man who is in the process of a divorce and there is no dog in the middle of it but they do have a daughter and he also cheated on his wife while they were together AND he was in touch with a girl overseas but it didn't work out with them.
So here it goes, the only time he and his ex-wife ever talk (and they usually text) is when it involves their daughter. And the ONLY time they ever see each other is in court. He is not in touch with the woman with whom he had an affair. And is not in touch with the woman overseas.
You are not insecure. I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend calling his ex-lover and wishing her a happy birthday or invinting the overseas girl to visit, and i definitely would not be happy about his ex-wife attending any gather of his families.
And even having said all this...everyones situation is different. Maybe he is JUST FRIENDS with these women...BUTTTTTT the fact that he lied to you is a MAJOR NO-NO. If a man lies to you, even not to upset you, he shouldn't. If he knows it's going to upset you, then he shouldn't be doing it. And if it's not something he's willing to give up then he should be upfront with you about it.
I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out...but it's definitely something you need to sit and talk out with him.
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