Dealing with a teenage daughter

**cookie36** · 06-09-2009 01:48 PM

Hi everyone, first time writing on here, but seem to be at a loss. I have a 14 year old daughter we lives with my boyfriend and I. I am sad to say I have been through 2 crappy marriages, one of which was with her father. My second husband treated her like and never had much time for her which really drove a big wedge between us. I discussed us leaving with her and she couldn't wait to leave the home. We moved out and things were still rocky with mine and hers relationship. She is moody, back talks and is just plain down right disrespectfull. I love my daughter and would do anything for her..maybe that may be some of the problem..I gave her things to compensate for us leaving...I have tried to talk to her, but when she don't get her own way..look out. My current boyfriend is a great man who loves children, he helps her with her homework and loves to laugh...One minute shes fine then if something strikes her the wrong way all (edit)breaks loose. He has become distant from her, alot because he truly believes in discipline and she seems to walk over me...I know my fault. The other day bacause I wouldn't get her something she called me a (edit) She thinks because i dont get her what she wants we are poor...this kid had a IPOD, laptop, 2 cameras, and a cell phone..we are far from poor but dont have the money to drop her whenever she feels she needs it. She is telling me now she wants to go live with her dad and her brother...not a place where I really want her to go but what do I do...trying to find a common ground here, but have no idea what to do....please I would love some advice...

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-09-2009 01:57 PM

Kids can sense when you are having "mom guilt" and will try to milk it for all they can. A lot of single parents do exactly what you do, myself included - give give give, as if its some sort of compensation for their disrupted family unit. They begin to see a pattern of us giving when they are sad, and oh they will turn it on (not that they are never trully sad, they are, but sometimes it IS an act) because they know it will lead to "oh honey remember that new _____ you wanted, lets go get it!".

Thing is, most teenagers are moody and bratty and pushing boundries and daughters seem to hand it to their mothers the worse ( I have a son, and its a bit different). She is learning to manipulate you and its good that you are saying no sometimes, its hard I know, I hate to do it too. You know she has everything she needs, you know you have done and will continue to do the best you can for her, for her whole life and that should help you rest easy.

Times will be hard, she is trying to become independent of you right now but she can still assert this without disrespecting you and calling you names. She's had some dissapointments in her life, as many of us do - it doesn't give her the right to be cruel to you, the sooner she learns to see the positives , what she has instead of what all she doesn't she will start to appreciate you more.

Don't expect it any time soon, though

Grin and bare it and welcome to the terrible teenage years ( the two's are nothing compared to this !!!)

**ThexMrs** · 06-09-2009 02:02 PM

Welcome to the forum.

First of all... Buying her things to make up for the wrongs was a bad idea. My mother also did this to me when I was her age and at one point (because I am very intelligent) I used it against her. I started to manipulate her to get things that I wanted. (This didn't last long though because of the guilt I felt) What I really wanted was for her to be there and she wasn't.

I went through a stage that I think most all teens will go through where disrespect and back talking becomes a habit or practice. I never did call my mother names that you have presented in this thread. I would just shut down and stay away.

I had a really rough life growing up, even now and though this may or may not make a difference, (though I think it does) troubled home lives can turn out to have troubled teens. (She doesn't seem like she's going down the wrong path, just angry with you) My parents were divorced and though I didn't think it had an effect on me then, it did.

If she wants to go live with her father (and I'm sure this would be hard) I would let her. I think it might teach her to appreciate what she has. Then again, it could backfire and she may love it there. If that turns out to be the case, maybe some time apart would be good for your relationship.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help.

**cookie36** · 06-09-2009 02:07 PM

Thanks for your response...I know I am a good person,,but yes I admit I have made some bad decisions. I have finally found someone who can show my daughter what a healthy relationship looks like. He treats me with respect, kindess and love..as he shows her. I know I have to haul in the reigns of her because i refuse to be treated in such a manner. what happened to the good ole days of when we were kids..you certainly never back talked to your parents..hence I am still wearing my natural face..lol...it kills me when she has become someone I don't even know anymore...I will try to do the best I can with what i have...thanks again

**Kung Fu Kitty** · 06-09-2009 02:50 PM

you can only do so much,there comes a time when you have to let them make their own choices,and live with the outcome. i agree,if she wants to go live with her dad,let her. i would shut off the cell however,if daddy wants to pick up the bill thats his concern. dont beat yourself up over it too badly,all teens go through the "i hate you" stage"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-09-2009 04:15 PM

Very difficult for a teenager to accept disapline when she has never really had it, but she from the sounds of it hasn't really had much love from her Father, or Step-Father and that is the area in my opinion you should be concentrating on.

Not love with "gifts", but actual love that you state your boyfriend has given and can give to her.

My suggestion would be to speak to your boyfriend. Explain to him in order to get the house in order, disipline is not going to be the answer, she hasn't had it, and she is at an age where she can leave home and will.

What she missed was love... She's your daughter, and a new man at this time in her life, really doesn't have the right to step in and change all that was, no offense, as she gets to know him however, and as time goes by and she sees he's a stayer and is around for a few years, not going to be like the others, or leave you both like what happened, she will build trust.

He needs to just accept her for what she is and try adding in some "Adult respect" as suggestions when she gets a tad out of control, tell her she is an Adult now and needs to have some respect. But, both just give her the love of a "family" three of you, any disipline for now needs to come from you.

I would say that she doesn't feel that he will stay anyway, and is rejecting him in that regard as well as what she is not used to and questioning why you allow him to play Dad when she has no idea if he will stay.

CW

**WildChild** · 06-09-2009 10:58 PM

Two books you might want to check out, one is the Reviving Ophelia, the other is John Grey's book, Children Are From Heaven. They may give you some ideas. She is going through a lot of changes. It may have been better if you refrained from living with someone so soon and gave yourself and her some time to rebalance. But you must deal with where you are now. She needs clear boundries and guidelines and to understand that special things must be earned.

How are her grades? Does she have chores to do? Is she involved in any clubs, sports, music or other school activities? You need to sit her down, the two of you only and talk. Explain what is and isn't acceptable and what the consequences are for not behaving well. She needs to know this isn't a matter of punishment but a consequence of her own actions. You are the parent, not your bf, be the parent. That's not a dictator but you have to be in control of yourself and your household. Be firm but pleasant. Good Luck

**cookie36** · 06-10-2009 04:54 AM

Thank you so much to everyone for their advice...I am sure that things will work out, and boy I am trying to keep my cool and patience. My daughters grades if anything improved since we left..she went from 50's and 60's to 80's and 90's...go figure. If she seems so darn unhappy, its not showing in her marks. Its almost if she is Jeckel and Hyde,,,one minute she's the sweetest and funniest person to be around and them bam...influx of hormones...Her father had a drinking problem when I was with him, which is one reason I do not want to to move with him, plus she has no bedroom at his house. He and his ex wife..no not me....had turned her bedroom into a bathroom. I know she has had real bad things happen to her in her life and I blame myself for some of them.But as someone had posted , things do not always go as we would wish them too. I want to spend time with her, go fishing, out to the cabin or just listen to what she has to say. But most of the time its go away Mom, I'm talking to someone. Then when I am busy at something all I hear is " you never spend time with me. " My boyfriend would never butt in and discipline her...he knows thats my job, but he had bitten his tongue more than once when she back talks or just be's plain nasty. He truly wants for us to be a family but once again don't like her attitude. guess we will see what happens...she is not a bad kid, not into drinking or drugs...and not out partying. She has really nice friends and I trust her that way...just don't like the attitude...thanks once again everyone...still would love any input and advice...Regards..Cookie36

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2009 05:02 AM

TIME... Let her see this guy is a stayer ... He shows warmth.

Your a Mum, but actually, now your a friend.. her girlfriend she's a teenager, she needs a mom and a friend...

Tell her it's time you two were mates, after all your both Adults. That is what I think she's seeking...

That change in her, is a change in Adulthood... And, Teenagers love a mum whom's a mate as well.

CW

**Tara_tiara** · 08-02-2009 03:51 PM

Hi I am 17 and I can kinda say that I am a little spoiled like that. Any way I am going to guess that the conversations go a little bit on this line.

Mom: Good morning sally.
Sally: Morning mom, can I have $60 to go to the water park with a few friends this week end?
Mom: No Sally we are going somewhere this weekend.
Sally: Where? (in case it is someplace better)
Mom: We are going to see your grandmother in the nursing home.
Sally: What I don't want to see crusty old people.
Mom: Tough we are going see your grand mother.
Sally: But mom I would only be in the way you know her room is tiny. I could go to the water park while you go see grand maw.
Mom: I am sorry Sally but we just don't have the money for that.
Sally: Come on mom Jennifer is going.
Mom: NO.
Sally: But why?
Mom: Because I said no
likely to continue on for hours till someone gets smacked.

Ok, the problems in this situation is called a generation gap. She is a 14 year old and most parents are in their 40's. She can't think up to your level but you can change your thinking down to a 14 year old's mind set because you have been 14 before. She won't understand otherwise. And P.S. Because I said so never works.