Should i leave him?

**Dipsy** · 06-22-2009 12:38 PM

Hi guys any help on this situation would be great!!!

Well here goes, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 yrs, We was vey happy at first but the past 3 yrs have been very difficult. We don´t really talk and sex life is non existent! when i ask him why he won´t come near me he tells me not to start an arguement and says he does. But he don´t and when i show him affection he tells me to get off or thats enough now. He does kiss and cuddle me but only when he wants to. About 2 months ago i found out he had a one night stand with another girl which broke my heart i have done everything for him and i constantly try and never given up on us. I forgave him after 2 weeks of being apart as he was crying and telling me how much he loves me and he will never do it again.

But im not very happy and i don´t know what to do anymore i have tried so hard. He has a terrible temper as well. He has never hit me but Smashed numerous things around the house including windows when we argue. His temper is unbelivable. And i don´t like it. God knows what the neighbours think.

I feel like he is only with me to pay half the rent and to cook and clean.

I do still love him but im just not happy anymore, He said he would change his behavior after the cheating. He changed for 2 weeks and his bad attitude and talking to me like poo came right back. Can´t talk to my friends they don´t know any of this they think we are the perfect couple. Im to embarressed to tell them

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appriaciated. x

**stressed** · 06-22-2009 12:47 PM

It seems like you haven't been happy with him for the last 3 years, which is a lot of time. It also seems that the lack of sex life is only a result of the relationship not being good for all this time. The cheating could have been another such result. You can tell a lot by the way he behaves when you discuss and tell him how you feel. If he's never willing to talk about anything then this is not a good sign at all, he might just stay with you because he feels secure and just waits until somebody new comes along. Tell him you are not happy and that you're considering your options.

**Dipsy** · 06-22-2009 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

It seems like you haven't been happy with him for the last 3 years, which is a lot of time. It also seems that the lack of sex life is only a result of the relationship not being good for all this time. The cheating could have been another such result. You can tell a lot by the way he behaves when you discuss and tell him how you feel. If he's never willing to talk about anything then this is not a good sign at all, he might just stay with you because he feels secure and just waits until somebody new comes along. Tell him you are not happy and that you're considering your options.

Deep down i kinda knew this. I feel so awful since he cheated i think about it everyday i have lost all my trust in him, But in way i saw it coming i don´t know why i just had a feeling. Im only 26 and have no sex life all my friends are at it like rabbits excuse the pun, But it makes me so jeolous cos i know i don´t have what they have with their boyfriends. Thanks for the advice

**stressed** · 06-22-2009 01:21 PM

It's very sad when it happens, it makes me sad reading about this happening even if I don't know you. But I have the feeling that you will feel a lot better about yourself once you move on and of course you can find a better man for you. It will be difficult at first, as you still love him, but it just can't work anymore

You could have both worked on any problems before the cheating, if you both wanted it as much, but the cheating just did it.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-22-2009 03:48 PM

Stop cooking, stop cleaning, stop doing the little things you do to show you care until he starts doing the things YOU need to feel cared about. Relationships should bring you Joy, sure they have their ups and downs but in the big picture if you are miserable more often than not... you are not in the right one.

Fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown is sometimes so strong its blinding. Life is so full of possiblities, we only have this one that we know of for certain. I think we should spend it with the people that enrich it, that make it better in some small or large way... that put a smile on our face and warm our heart with their words. Life is so much sweeter with someone to share all its beauty with, for sure.

But if there is no beauty in your life, no happy moments at all ever... precious time is being wasted. Thats not to say give up at the first sign of trouble, gosh no. If even half the time someone is bringing rays of sunshine into your world its worth working things out. But if there is nothing, nothing about the other person that makes you feel good, for so long ... you really have to ask yourself why you are still there. In fact, ask them.. why you should still be there. Let them ponder on all the wonderful things they bring to your life.. if they can't think of any either - its time to really talk.

**yellowpiXi3** · 06-22-2009 04:28 PM

He has clearly taken advantage of you. He cheated on you. That in itself should be a big warning sign. You aren't happy. period. Then leave. I know you've spent 5 years with this guy but sounds to be only 2 of those 5 years are even worth considering about. We sometimes make the mistake of associating love with attachment. Can you move back home for a bit until you get back on your feet? Do you have money saved?

You need to start thinking about YOURSELF

**WildChild** · 06-22-2009 05:25 PM

Get out NOW. Any one who smashes windows or anything else, cusses at you and has an ungovernable temper is not relationship material. He may have boo hooed and maninpulated you into coming back once but don't let it happen again. If you think you still want him, move out and tell him you'll see what things look like after he's had at least 6 months of therapy and anger management and been re-evaluated. He hasn't hit you yet, that doesn't mean he won't. In the meantime you need to evaluate why you are willing to live with someone like this. You would probably benefit from some counseling as well.

Don't consider how much time you've put into this, consider how years you have ahead of you. If this what you want to live with? He said he'd change and how long did that last? After you gave him a second chance? Time to pack and if he puts up the slightest fuss, call 911 and PRESS CHARGES.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-22-2009 05:46 PM

The difficulty we have in life is our "minds".

Our "intuition" tells us, this is wrong, he's no good but our "minds" will try to trick that by saying "but what if?", or " at the beginning it was okay, I'll work on getting it back to there"..

The truth is the beginnings aren't always reality, as many people hide alot of whom they are, until they feel safe, comfortable and then out comes the reality of whom they are.

People won't "walk" until they get to the end of "enough".

People won't "talk" until they get to the end of "emotions" and break.

You would be suprised how much your friends really know and if not, how much of a support they would really be, if they did. Don't have a fear of talking to someone close, you need it, and they probably need to be needed by you.

Have a think out of all your family and friends whom you could talk with, because there is someone out of all of them that you can.

People with "short fuses" sometimes totally lose it, and then after, say "sorry" it's never happened before, won't again... But, you may not get the chance to hear those words if you slip and fall due to a "short fuse" hit your head and are "dead", that's reality, it happens.

I think you know the answer to what to do from here...

I'm sorry that you've spent 5 years in a relationship that you can't really call one, and that you were cheated on, abused verbally no doubt, emotionally abused as well, and feeling like a "housewife" and that's it, financial assistant... That's not really a life is it...

I assume there are no children? And, I assume your working....

Count your stars on both of the above because you can continue your life without being stuck with no way out.

CW

**Dipsy** · 06-23-2009 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Stop cooking, stop cleaning, stop doing the little things you do to show you care until he starts doing the things YOU need to feel cared about. Relationships should bring you Joy, sure they have their ups and downs but in the big picture if you are miserable more often than not... you are not in the right one.

Fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown is sometimes so strong its blinding. Life is so full of possiblities, we only have this one that we know of for certain. I think we should spend it with the people that enrich it, that make it better in some small or large way... that put a smile on our face and warm our heart with their words. Life is so much sweeter with someone to share all its beauty with, for sure.

But if there is no beauty in your life, no happy moments at all ever... precious time is being wasted. Thats not to say give up at the first sign of trouble, gosh no. If even half the time someone is bringing rays of sunshine into your world its worth working things out. But if there is nothing, nothing about the other person that makes you feel good, for so long ... you really have to ask yourself why you are still there. In fact, ask them.. why you should still be there. Let them ponder on all the wonderful things they bring to your life.. if they can't think of any either - its time to really talk.

We do have some happy times and he does make me laugh but he has to very different personalitys, If things are not going his way you better stay out of the firing line, then there is the kissing and cuddling side telling me how much he loves me. Which makes it all soooooo confusing.

I am gonna stop all the housework and cooking and talk to him and tell him why, and see if he actually starts to do stuff to help me out. I want to know how he feels about me and what it is he actually likes about me and see what he has to say no lies, I want to know where he sees us in the future cos im finding it hard to see one unless he changes.

I have a huge fear of what life would be like without him, seeing him around or seeing him with another woman would kill me.

I am gonna talk to him and i will keep you all posted on what happens, Thanks to you guys for your advice, it´s been a huge help and put a few things into prospective!!!!

**Dipsy** · 07-18-2009 04:40 PM

Well it was only a few weeks ago i posted this and alot has changed, Im not intrested anymore im sick and tired with him and i have stopped making the effort now cooking cleaning etc and he is still the same.

I have met up with a guy who is my friends brother and had a bit of a thing with him but no sex, You may now all think im as bad as him but he slept with the girl he cheated on me with and i ain´t done that.

I told him the situation and he is shocked and can´t believe im with him. I have known him for years and has said im now a complete different person not very happy or confident anymore like i used to be.

He has shown me what im missing eg. having a laugh, cuddle and kiss and real good conversation. without being ignored or moaned at for talking while he is watching telly Even if it never works out with us i feel he was here for a reason. If that sounds crazy? i now know what im missing out on!

Any thoughts on this x

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