Thread: he does not want to marry me

Okay, the update is long.... so get ready.

After the last break up, i started going crazy. i couldnt eat, i couldnt sleep, and then one night i stayed up and cried through out. i cried and cried while i surfed the net on every available advice on how to get a man to commit! one particular person in one of the sites, asked me if i was co-dependent and refered me to another site, and i went there. I was in tears. i saw all my characteristics, scared to be alone, insecure, wanting approval, fear of abandonment, etc. there were forty characterisitics of codependent love addicts, and i fitted into 40 of them. I bought some books, but i didnt get around to read them. I faked illness and called my ex to come and see me, acted like we never broke up, and we had sex, and that was how we got back together.

the love addict/codependdent program , required me to take the 12 steps of alcohlics anonymous, in order to recover from the addictions, but i got caught up in my ex, and didnt do the steps. Early this year, (february) he mentioned he wanted me to meet his parents. and i went crazy. i immediatelty bombarded him with questions. it was like i was on a mission. when is the date, are we getting married, so u have decided, i cant wait, etc. And then i noticed he was not forth coming, and next thing he started sweating. I got so scared. it was i was losing control (codependents have a problem with control) and i immediately threatened him to make his decision at that moment. MARRIAGE OR INSTANT BREAKUP. He chose the breakup. I was shocked, but i walked away.

We stayed that way for six weeks, with me being slightly in contact, but in deep pain. We both had problems, but i knew i needed to work on myself. Maybe if i had worked on my self he wouldnt be confused, or maybe if i had worked on myself, i probably wouldt even want to be with him. I look back now, and i know i wasnt as easy as i made myself out to be. I tried to be very motherly and helpful, but deep down the only reason for my niceness was to control him, so that if he thought of leaving he would think of all the good things i was doing for him and stay. I would check his phone and email every minute i could to ensure he was nto cheating. I would add his female friends on facebook, to monitor them, incase they mentioned they were in the same place as he was at anytime.

So as much as i am also angry with him for leaving, i am glad i have taken this time apart to work on myself. i have started my twelve steps, and it has been the best thing that happened to me. i havent completely healed, but things are so much better. I dont have to sit down all day and worry and cry because i am not sure if i would ever get married. or worry and cry because i am not sure if i would be rich in the next ten years. I am learning that the ONLY person i can control is myself, and i cant control any other person. I am learning to forgive my abusive father, and stop using him as an excuse for my problem.

So i saw the ex last week, and he was still insisting on being my friend, but i decided against it because it was causing me hurt and impeding my healing. i have completely cut off all contact fromm him, email, gtalk, blackberry single thing, and i am focusing on my healing. I no longer want to be insecure or needy, i am preparing for my next relationship, who ever it may be, but i dont want the same old relationship.

It hurts like , because i still love him and still want him, but i realise i cant control him. i wont manipulate anyone. If i am healed and he comes back, maybe i would take him, maybe not, but for now, its only God that could know that.

thanks for all your love and care. i am glad i could share this here.