he does not want to marry me

**jaygirlweek96** · 07-26-2009 05:08 AM

Hi

I hope u can help me. i have been dating this guy for two years, he is twenty eight, i am twenty seven. about four months into the relationship, i decided to ask him if he had plans of getting married anytime soon say in two years, he told me that marriage was not in his plans for now, that he had a lot to accomplish before that. i now decided to push further by asking him, if he ever felt i would be that person when the time finally came, and he said he did not know. I continued dating him, and after our first year anniversary, i brought up the marriage issue again,. This time, he told me he loved me with his whole soul and mind, but did not know if he wanted to marry me. i decided to call it quits and he said it was okay, that he would be selfish by keeping me back, when he knew he had no plans for me for the future. unfortunately, i started believing in my head that maybe if we dated longer, he would one day decide to love me more and decide he wants to marry me. so i begged him that we should come back, which we did, and its two years now. i decided to bring it up again, and he says the same thing. That he knows i would make a good wife for him, but he is not ready to make that decision, he doesnt know when he would be ready to, and that he feels very selfish that he has been dating me all this while. But he does not want to break up with me, he just wants me to know where he stands. mHe only wants a relationship, nothing more.

I feel very bad, i decided to call it quits after he said all that, but deep inside me, i still love him. that tiny voive is still tellig me to go back, i am confused. I dont want to waste more time on someone who doesnt feel i am good enough. one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else, but we are so close that i would never have the time to go on dates. What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else?

I also found out that his ex left him for this same reason

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-26-2009 05:43 AM

I dont want to waste more time on someone who doesnt feel i am good enough.

People make the "grave" mistake of believing that they can "change" someone. You can not....

It's more of "WT? Why?" knowing that your a good person, wife material and what ever else YOU KNOW that you are, including sexual... It won't happen, there is not a "full" connection... A definate love, a definate connection but not enough to make that person not want to lose you to someone else, rather, he doesn't want to lose you because frankly, it's familiarity...

It takes a brave man to walk totally and say it as it is.

It takes a selfish man to tell you how it is but keep you stringing along.......

Don't you think?

Can you see this?

Sorry sweet.... Quit wasting another minute/day.. It's hard for sure but it's rewarding when you can see it's "okay" you know what you are worth, that someone else will see.....................

It is, even before it ever happens, just in that knowing.

CW

**WildChild** · 07-26-2009 08:16 AM

Why do you want to marry? Him or anyone else? Having been sucked into the trap more than once, I am of the opinon that marriage should not be some sort of goal. I know we are often raised with this unquestioned idea that you grow up and marry. But Why do You want to marry Him? This seems to be rarely questioned.

What is good about this relationship? Why do you want to commit your entire life to being with this man?

I'm not saying no one should ever marry, just that it needs a good deal more thought. We no longer live in a time when women are chattle, dependant on a man for support or survival. Marriage should become a choice made because of a deep love and connection. If it's only on one side then it shouldn't happen. Don't go looking for a man to marry. Look for connection, give and take, loving, sharing, someone with whom you can grow, who will lift you up as you lift him up.

It takes 6 months to 2 years for the "infatuation" chemicals to wear off so you can see what you really have for the long term. You are there. What do you have? Is there anything to build a lifetime on? Not if he doesn't want to. Don't think of it as lost time - have you grown and learned? Are you a better person today than you were two years ago? If the answer is yes then say thank you and move on, if that feels right. If the answer is no, then you've just been stuck in a holding pattern and need to take a good look at your self.

If you decide to stay, think carefully about why.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-26-2009 09:36 AM

I know that a lot of women equate marriage with the ultimate sign that a man loves them, and won't accept less than that and I suppose that is fine for them. But I fail to see how marriage makes the least bit of difference. People marry and divorce all the time, look at craigslist to see how many "loving" husbands are looking for a peice on the side etc.

Marriage, in most cases, does not cement a love that isn't and the lack of a marriage doesn't take a way from a love that is cemented.

Is he faithful? Is he respecful? Does he show how much he cares and how much he appreciates you every single day? Do you feel loved and cherished? If you don't then you are doing the right thing walking.

If a white dress and having a title means more to you than a having a good man in your life that you connect with, then you are doing the right thing walking.

Everyone has different priorities, I don't mean to take anything away from yours. Me, personally... I'd pick to be in a committed relationship with love and trust and every day happiness over rushing to the alter with some guy who's willing to ask.

He's a good man, like CW said, he could lie to you and propose and keep you hanging for years... He is at least a good enough human being to let you know marriage isn't in his cards , at least for now, and give you the opportunity to walk if its high on your to do list.

I don't think that investing even 2 more years or 3 will mean he will change his mind about marriage... he might, he might not. If you are only with him trying to seal that deal, then you are wasting your time continuing to do that and should move on.

Not all people see marriage the same way, do you know how he see's it? Are his parents married? Either way, he may have some notion of people changing after marriage or the need for him to become in someway loaded with responsability he doesn't feel ready for.

**happy ending** · 07-26-2009 08:03 PM

i totally agree with HD and WC. i married the ultimate party boy, thinking yay - i got him to "settle down" what a joke - on me unfortunately. i know now that a piece of paper has nothing to do with love, commitment or anything else important. it is brainwashing that we are subjected to, live your life, stay with your love, make your own path.

**jaygirlweek96** · 07-27-2009 03:37 AM

Thank u everyone. Am glad about the replies. The thing is this, ii love him, and i know he loves me very much. Am sure eventually he would want to get married one day, but i am scared of staying with him, and after four or five years, he leaves me wen he finds someone he wants to marry. Cos he would want to marry someday! By then i'd be like thirty two, and in my country, men run away from women once she is above thirty. I love him, and i know being with him makes me happy, makes him happy, but i dont want to be left alone when he decides he wants to get married, cos eventually he would decide to. And if he thinks am not the one after two years, he might not see it that way after six years

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-27-2009 03:43 AM

Originally Posted by jaygirlweek96

Thank u everyone. Am glad about the replies. The thing is this, ii love him, and i know he loves me very much. Am sure eventually he would want to get married one day, but i am scared of staying with him, and after four or five years, he leaves me wen he finds someone he wants to marry. Cos he would want to marry someday! By then i'd be like thirty two, and in my country, men run away from women once she is above thirty. I love him, and i know being with him makes me happy, makes him happy, but i dont want to be left alone when he decides he wants to get married, cos eventually he would decide to. And if he thinks am not the one after two years, he might not see it that way after six years

I decided to call it quits and he said it was okay, that he would be selfish by keeping me back, when he knew he had no plans for me for the future.

He is a closed book.. He loves what he has but he will be a batchelor well into his 40's... This is what your facing..

You need to see reality.. He's not saying "maybe one day, i just don't agree with marriage but you never know"...

He's saying NO... he has no plans FOR YOU in the future....

He's carefree and comfortable...

Do you really want that?

CW

**jaygirlweek96** · 07-27-2009 04:07 AM

Thank u very much. I really always refuse to see the writing on the wall. he has no plans for me. I am just in denial. Thanks Chandler

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-27-2009 04:14 AM

Originally Posted by jaygirlweek96

Thank u very much. I really always refuse to see the writing on the wall. he has no plans for me. I am just in denial. Thanks Chandler

Yes and no... seeing as I am 46 and been there a few times... You are but your also in love but, but, you also think as alot do, "I can change him, it will change, I will change him, "...

I am going off what you know what he has honestly told you, see then there is no blame, "but i told you?"... whilst he keeps on his way.

Some guys want commitment others no way....

But, they ALL want someone in their lives.

You have every opportunity to find someone who DOES want marriage, don't rune it by hanging about for 4 more years sweet.

But, this will take time, it's not going to be easy...

Do a few things for yourself for a while without thinking of him totally if you can....

You need to see you are beautiful and what you deserve in life...It's not your fault it's their character...

CW

**OhThereYouAre** · 07-28-2009 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by jaygirlweek96

Hi

I hope u can help me. i have been dating this guy for two years, he is twenty eight, i am twenty seven. about four months into the relationship, i decided to ask him if he had plans of getting married anytime soon say in two years, he told me that marriage was not in his plans for now, that he had a lot to accomplish before that. i now decided to push further by asking him, if he ever felt i would be that person when the time finally came, and he said he did not know. I continued dating him, and after our first year anniversary, i brought up the marriage issue again,. This time, he told me he loved me with his whole soul and mind, but did not know if he wanted to marry me. i decided to call it quits and he said it was okay, that he would be selfish by keeping me back, when he knew he had no plans for me for the future. unfortunately, i started believing in my head that maybe if we dated longer, he would one day decide to love me more and decide he wants to marry me. so i begged him that we should come back, which we did, and its two years now. i decided to bring it up again, and he says the same thing. That he knows i would make a good wife for him, but he is not ready to make that decision, he doesnt know when he would be ready to, and that he feels very selfish that he has been dating me all this while. But he does not want to break up with me, he just wants me to know where he stands. mHe only wants a relationship, nothing more.

I feel very bad, i decided to call it quits after he said all that, but deep inside me, i still love him. that tiny voive is still tellig me to go back, i am confused. I dont want to waste more time on someone who doesnt feel i am good enough. one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else, but we are so close that i would never have the time to go on dates. What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else?

I also found out that his ex left him for this same reason

I'm not sure why this Marriage timeline is always an issue. Why put a timeline on beautiful and important things? How can you time your life progression? Your marriage? Your kids? Things happen at their own speed and at the right time.

The best things that have happened to me in my life were not forced, they came gradually, so gradually that I dont' even remember the beginnings.

I notice that especially in the best relationships I have today: my really good friends and exes, I don't really remember how the beginnings of our relationships started. I think its because they occurred naturally.

Give the man some time. I'm looking at wedding stuff now. It took me 5 months to recover from the ring.

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