Why do people lie?

**mr_right_for_you** · 08-06-2009 12:54 AM

We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?

It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others.

It's tied in with self-esteem. We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.

Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-06-2009 01:22 AM

Originally Posted by mr_right_for_you

We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?

It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others.

It's tied in with self-esteem. We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.

Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

You've posted this in relationships section so I am assuming you are therefore, referring to lying within a relationship.

I don't agree with "we all lie all the time" I make a conscious effort to tell the truth as much as possible. There may be a "white" lie, as not to hurt someone, or a "white lie" for business ( I am in sales ), to get out of being bombarded with appointments but in a relationship I don't ever lie, there is no point, it won't get me anywhere, it will be found out and it will cause mis-trust.

A lie in the beginning of a relationship ( take me out of the equation), can be an honest belief at that time, not a lie, or someone talking themselves to believe that what they are saying is what they want, it is not a lie, rather not thought out or time hasn't allowed them to ascertain what they actually want...

CW

**OG612** · 08-06-2009 02:10 AM

One key aspect of intimacy is trust. Do you think CW would be as attracted to me if I were not as completely honest and forthcoming as I am? Not a chance.

People tell "little white lies" all the time. Even I'm guilty of a little indulgence in story telling. I might exaggerate a day at work (but a day in the psych ward is no picnic!), but I never lie. I merely stretch the truth a tiny bit about a dementia patient, or an autistic patient, or a patient with schizophrenia and how hard each particular patient is to deal with. But when it comes to daily/personal life... never a lie.

And that's why all my relationships are highly successful, very romantic, and even more intimate. It's because we all tell the truth.

OG

**caterpillar79** · 08-06-2009 06:59 AM

I agree with CW. Lying is deliberate breech of an individual's trust. It is covering up some aspects, taking away facts aimed to getting what they wanted. We often mistake it with it's opposite counterpart - telling the truth.

Most people fail to evaluate their hearts and just talk about anything, only to find out they said or did something, they didn't mean to. Knowing this, I have constantly evaluated my heart, my state of being - at the moment. It doesn't mean I will be there forever, but that is how I felt AT THAT MOMENT. That, for me is being honest. Maybe, it is what I needed to completely heal. Maybe it is what I needed to feel, do, and say, because I am purging everything, processing everything in order to be well again. I say, this is a process of healing.

Now, lying on the other hand - deliberately done, is inexcusable in most cases. It is a selfish act to get what you want. And this is a red flag! This is different to what I have referred to above.

**WildChild** · 08-06-2009 07:07 AM

Part of this is that we each filter what we see through the lens of experience and emotion. This is why a group of eye witnesses can vary so widely in their stories. Essentially our minds work by relating one thing to another. We really can't "see" what is totally allien or unfamiliar, we have to find something we know to equate it to.

However there are people who do make a habit of flat out lying. I've never really understood it. It must start in childhood to avoid punshiment or adult anger. I always tried/try to make understanding and solving more important than the punative action of punishment. There are people who live very unconsciously, without really thinking beyond the moment, they may lie to resolve what they see as an immediate problem without considering that 10 mins from now or next week, it could came back to bite them.

Then there are manipulative, predatory people who purposely deceive, usually to defraud in some way. I've met a few people who seem to simply enjoy it, like a game. I am pretty truthful, probably my personal biggie is omission, to just not say something. Maybe that's all the times I heard, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything". I know that prevents my needs being met sometimes and I am working on it. But in general I try to be accurate and truthful, problem is, people are so used to others lying that they will assume everyone does and discount your truth.

**OhThereYouAre** · 08-06-2009 08:18 AM

Many reasons:

To hide the truth.
To make oneself look better.
To protect someone.
To protect ourselves.
To avoid consequences.
To take the easy way out.

Any of those reasons seem positive?

I refuse to consort with liars. Even white liars.

As if i'm not good enough to accept the truth, and as if i'm dumb enough to believe a lie.

I'm incapable of . That's the first thing people learn about me when they meet me.

**rcoreyus** · 08-07-2009 12:11 AM

There are lots of reasons to lie:

There are the simple white lies: "You are as beautiful as when we met".

There are the lies in response to unreasonable questions: "do you find that <beautiful young> woman attractive". "No".

There are lies in self defense. "where were you last night?" "I was at the bar..."

If you find someone lies to you, think about whether you would accept an unpleasant truth.

**Joy** · 08-07-2009 10:44 AM

lying is a waste of time... the truth will set you free

Some ppl lying for their own agenda to move forward and other ppl lie cause they cant' stand hurting other ppl. I believe in being true to myself even if it hurts.

some ppl believe their lies to be truth that is what they perceive to be true and they mean no harm at all. Others are ruthless liars and are compulsive to lie about everything.

**WildChild** · 08-07-2009 11:05 AM

One question might be, if they believe it to be truth (even though it may be completely disprovable) is it a lie?

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