Fear of loss.

JustMe12 · 09-03-2009, 01:27 PM

I don't really know what section to post this in so because it has to do with relationships I put it here, if it needs to be moved that's cool.

I was curious how other women would deal with this. I have a facebook account and so does my boyfriend. I put my status on facebook as needing a job. He got upset about this because he said I was being a damsale in distress and putting my business out there. I told him I didnt feel that way and left it at that. Later on I told him because he got upset, that I was afraid to post anything on facebook because he might get upset. Well that made him get upset and he then said he couldnt express himself to me without feeling guilty now. I said that was bs, because why can he tell me how he feels but I cant tell him how I feel.
Even though me having this fear is wrong, I shouldnt fear posting something just because he would get upset but I also know it wouldnt matter what man I'm dating, I would do it with any of them. I have a fear of losing men in my life, so I will pretty much do anything within reason to make them happy. I have this fear because of my parents being divorced and my father never being there and also because of losing my grandfather and uncle. They both passed away over 10 years ago and its been very hard for me. I am trying to deal my fear but it is difficult.
My question is, would what my boyfriend said bother you as a female? If you would have said anything, what would it have been? Or would it not bother you and just brush it off? I just want input.
Sorry for making it so long.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 09-03-2009, 01:42 PM

I'd say not to worry about it too much, as far as whatever you put on your Facebook goes. He needs to chill, it's YOUR profile. It doesn't sound too "damsel in distriss"ish to me. If you were going on about how much your life suck because of not having a job, that would be one thing, but not what you put. When he said that to you, was he being serious or kidding around with you?

Either way, he shouldn't care what other people think about it. I don't know why he does, it has nothing to do with him.

Also, you should never feel like you have to go THAT out of your way to make someone happy. I'm a child of divorce as well, so trust me, I can understand having that fear of people leaving. I still have it from time to time, my dad is my favorite person in the world and it killed me when he moved out. But you have to do what makes you happy, and what you WANT to do, and to h&ll with him if he doesn't like it. If he doesn't accept you for how you are, he's not worth keeping around anyway. Actually, before I go off saying that, how does he treat you outside of this Facebook/not feeling able to be honest with you thing? Is he normally good to you?

**Katsaly** · 09-03-2009, 02:12 PM

That's an odd thing for him to get upset about. Personally, I try to keep my personal drama off my facebook status, but I have no problem posting that I need a job. I don't go on about it, I just mention it in my status.

Unless your boyfriend is taking it as some personal attack on his inability to provide for you, he's being a little too concerned with public appearances.

JustMe12 · 09-03-2009, 02:15 PM

He was being serious about it. He said everyone was gonna text me or write me on facebook about it and why do I need that attention?

My relationship with my father only started to develop last year when I turned 23, its being going good, even though I have no fear of losing him because I guess Ive never felt he was mine or my dad.

Our relationship is actually good or atleast I thought it was, he likes to talk about things that he knows and believes in and I listen to him all the time, there isnt one time that I havent listened, even if I didnt want to. Were normally very happy together. We are broken up now because of all of this, it erupted into an argument. Now he isnt talking to me.
I just didnt see the problem with me seeing if anyone knows of any jobs available and he did and I thought he would have been supportive like he normally is and he wasnt.
I did get TOM when all this happened so I was very emotional and have noticed that whenever I get TOM its like he does too.
I know im rambling sorry.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-03-2009, 03:38 PM

In my opinion, expressing something as "advice" to protect someone is all good.

To, express something that is non-shallot, is not advice, rather a statement, comment, personal thought and should be, considered but if disagreed with fine, as it was a statement..

You've probably gotten on very well because he has a controlling nature, not a nurturing one but one that likes to rule the roost to which, usually you conform to..

He is able to control you because you have a "need" for it, that need in the form of "fear" of losing someone and therefore, acceptance but look what just happened?

Finally, you gained some independence, you didn't agree and you spoke up, rightly so, facebook is a "personal" page full stop, it belongs to a person and speaks of a person and that person decides all, including whom they befriend.

Didn't it feel good to finally make a decision on your own?

Two people together have to also have their own independence, with mutual trust and mutual respect... Tell him that next time he speaks with you, that whilst you listen to advice and mainly agree because your in-sinc, you are an individual as well and can make some decisions on your own and shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in fear it will create an arguement if you dis-agree...

It's your life, we only have one.. Live it.

CW

**stressed** · 09-03-2009, 03:47 PM

Well, to be honest, social websites such as Facebook are not always 100% safe places, if you know what I mean. Sure, you only posted that you are looking for a job without seeking attention of the other kind, but there are thousands of men (and women respectively) who would try to take advantage of your situation or would, actually, take it as attention seeking or a chance for something more. I don't know how common it is to find a job via Facebook, but I do know that it is very common to get mixed up in complicated situations because of it.

With that in mind, the best you can do is discuss this with him and try to understand his fears while you try to explain your point of view too. You are both right, but this is a subject that should not cause any trouble in your relationship. Just remember that online communities can become a huge trap nowadays. I just think that your boyfriend is being protective and, personally, I wouldn't be bothered about it. I think you have both misunderstood each other.

09-03-2009, 01:27 PM	#1
JustMe12 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3	Fear of loss. I don't really know what section to post this in so because it has to do with relationships I put it here, if it needs to be moved that's cool. I was curious how other women would deal with this. I have a facebook account and so does my boyfriend. I put my status on facebook as needing a job. He got upset about this because he said I was being a damsale in distress and putting my business out there. I told him I didnt feel that way and left it at that. Later on I told him because he got upset, that I was afraid to post anything on facebook because he might get upset. Well that made him get upset and he then said he couldnt express himself to me without feeling guilty now. I said that was bs, because why can he tell me how he feels but I cant tell him how I feel. Even though me having this fear is wrong, I shouldnt fear posting something just because he would get upset but I also know it wouldnt matter what man I'm dating, I would do it with any of them. I have a fear of losing men in my life, so I will pretty much do anything within reason to make them happy. I have this fear because of my parents being divorced and my father never being there and also because of losing my grandfather and uncle. They both passed away over 10 years ago and its been very hard for me. I am trying to deal my fear but it is difficult. My question is, would what my boyfriend said bother you as a female? If you would have said anything, what would it have been? Or would it not bother you and just brush it off? I just want input. Sorry for making it so long.

09-03-2009, 01:42 PM	#2
GlitterAndStuds Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Snake Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 749 Blog Entries: 1	I'd say not to worry about it too much, as far as whatever you put on your Facebook goes. He needs to chill, it's YOUR profile. It doesn't sound too "damsel in distriss"ish to me. If you were going on about how much your life suck because of not having a job, that would be one thing, but not what you put. When he said that to you, was he being serious or kidding around with you? Either way, he shouldn't care what other people think about it. I don't know why he does, it has nothing to do with him. Also, you should never feel like you have to go THAT out of your way to make someone happy. I'm a child of divorce as well, so trust me, I can understand having that fear of people leaving. I still have it from time to time, my dad is my favorite person in the world and it killed me when he moved out. But you have to do what makes you happy, and what you WANT to do, and to h&ll with him if he doesn't like it. If he doesn't accept you for how you are, he's not worth keeping around anyway. Actually, before I go off saying that, how does he treat you outside of this Facebook/not feeling able to be honest with you thing? Is he normally good to you? __________________ I've got to be direct If I'm off please correct You're standing on my neck....

09-03-2009, 03:38 PM	#5
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,968 Blog Entries: 7	In my opinion, expressing something as "advice" to protect someone is all good. To, express something that is non-shallot, is not advice, rather a statement, comment, personal thought and should be, considered but if disagreed with fine, as it was a statement.. You've probably gotten on very well because he has a controlling nature, not a nurturing one but one that likes to rule the roost to which, usually you conform to.. He is able to control you because you have a "need" for it, that need in the form of "fear" of losing someone and therefore, acceptance but look what just happened? Finally, you gained some independence, you didn't agree and you spoke up, rightly so, facebook is a "personal" page full stop, it belongs to a person and speaks of a person and that person decides all, including whom they befriend. Didn't it feel good to finally make a decision on your own? Two people together have to also have their own independence, with mutual trust and mutual respect... Tell him that next time he speaks with you, that whilst you listen to advice and mainly agree because your in-sinc, you are an individual as well and can make some decisions on your own and shouldn't have to walk on egg shells in fear it will create an arguement if you dis-agree... It's your life, we only have one.. Live it. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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09-03-2009, 02:12 PM	#3
Katsaly Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 130	That's an odd thing for him to get upset about. Personally, I try to keep my personal drama off my facebook status, but I have no problem posting that I need a job. I don't go on about it, I just mention it in my status. Unless your boyfriend is taking it as some personal attack on his inability to provide for you, he's being a little too concerned with public appearances.

09-03-2009, 02:15 PM	#4
JustMe12 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3	He was being serious about it. He said everyone was gonna text me or write me on facebook about it and why do I need that attention? My relationship with my father only started to develop last year when I turned 23, its being going good, even though I have no fear of losing him because I guess Ive never felt he was mine or my dad. Our relationship is actually good or atleast I thought it was, he likes to talk about things that he knows and believes in and I listen to him all the time, there isnt one time that I havent listened, even if I didnt want to. Were normally very happy together. We are broken up now because of all of this, it erupted into an argument. Now he isnt talking to me. I just didnt see the problem with me seeing if anyone knows of any jobs available and he did and I thought he would have been supportive like he normally is and he wasnt. I did get TOM when all this happened so I was very emotional and have noticed that whenever I get TOM its like he does too. I know im rambling sorry.

09-03-2009, 03:47 PM	#6
stressed Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Europe Posts: 147	Well, to be honest, social websites such as Facebook are not always 100% safe places, if you know what I mean. Sure, you only posted that you are looking for a job without seeking attention of the other kind, but there are thousands of men (and women respectively) who would try to take advantage of your situation or would, actually, take it as attention seeking or a chance for something more. I don't know how common it is to find a job via Facebook, but I do know that it is very common to get mixed up in complicated situations because of it. With that in mind, the best you can do is discuss this with him and try to understand his fears while you try to explain your point of view too. You are both right, but this is a subject that should not cause any trouble in your relationship. Just remember that online communities can become a huge trap nowadays. I just think that your boyfriend is being protective and, personally, I wouldn't be bothered about it. I think you have both misunderstood each other.