Tony two tone

So my girlfriend of 4 months still talks to a guy she used to have sex with and wanted to date but he never liked her in that way and seemed to just want a "Friends with Benefits" type relationship with her. I dont know the last time they had sex(Not sure I really want to know) but she showed me a picture of them kind of hanging on each other, time stamped a week before we started going out.

He is 28 while my gf and I are 22. She seems to still be very fond of him and is influenced by him greatly. For example I said I wanted to see the movie District 9 because of the great reviews and what not. At first she didnt want to see it even when I told her I wanted to. But then she gets a text from him saying he enjoyed it. That made her REALLY want to go see it. That may seem like nothing from an outside perspective but it really bothered me. I feel like I have no kind of influence on her while she is interested in everything he likes.

She tells me she doesn't want to date him anymore after finding me. And has "Nothing in common" with him(which is not true). Which leads me to believe she is telling me things I want to hear. The only reason she liked him was because she was lonely. They still text message each other every morning, and have tried to make plans to see each other, but they usually fall through.

I feel like I am at a disadvantage. He's older, experienced, lives on his own, and known her longer while I am her age, live with my parents(going to school :P), and somewhat unexperienced.

We have gotten into a few arguments about this, and I always explain why I dont like her talking to him. I really want her to cut all communication with him but dont want to seem threatened by this guy and possibly push her away from me. Also afraid they will continue to talk and make plans with each other just not tell me anymore, which is kind of going on now.

She says she doesnt tell me when she talks to him because she doesnt want to make me upset.

This whole thing is really eating me up inside and I dont know how much more I can take of it. She seems genuinely in love with me but I feel like he has a part of her heart that I will never get.

LanaBear

My first question is how do you think she would act if the tables were turned? Not that you want to do this, but I think she needs to look at it from a different view point...

They've had sex, she wanted to further the relationship, he didn't. Personally, I think she may still be hung up on the guy but maybe not, maybe she can genuinely be friends with him and nothing more. But that still leaves you in an awkward position, right? You're not comfortable with it.

I think you are right too... If you voice anymore concern about it, the communication, plans, etc. will probably continue but behind your back. And there you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think friends with the opposite sex is one thing, however, friends that used to be FWB is something entirely different. I don't know, I'd hate to say that an ultimatum needs to be thrown out there because ultimatum's suck, but it may be what's needed to force her to make up her mind about what exactly she truly wants from each relationship.

__________________
Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

Tony two tone

Funny thing is I know she would absolutely hate it if the tables were turned. She noticed a girls name in my contacts list on my cell phone who wanted to date me. She couldnt believe I even had the number still. I deleted the number, not because she told me too(she didnt) but because I dont call or text her anymore anyways.

The thing about my gf is that she doesnt see things from other peoples' point of view and always feels right, even over the littlest things.

An ultimatum type chat has crossed my mind but I think I am going to wait until she meets up with him some time but doesnt tell me before hand.

I feel really bad about this but I do read her text messages. I only began to after she told me about the type of relationship they had and when she stopped telling me when they talk and try to make plans.

Hopeless Dork

Well tony, the way you describe your girlfriend... she sounds a bit self-centered. What are the things she does that make you feel loved and special, secure and the object of her desire? I mean besides tell you so... what are her actions like?

What are some of her qualities that you are in love with?

I ask this because if she fails to see things from other peoples perspectives... thats a character flaw that is going to hurt now and down the road from now.

I realize you are in love with her, but what are some of the reasons why?

She's not over this guy in my opinion. The way a lot of girls minds work... they want what they can't have... if she really is a me, me, me type person -- this guy blowing her off would only become a challenge to her, a game, something to try to win -- possibly at your expense.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my guy talking to a girl he use to sleep with but especially so if he had fallen for her and the only reason they aren't together is because SHE chose not to be. See what I mean? If he on the other hand was the one that let the ex go.. I'd still not like the contact, people can fall into old patterns , comfort zones and be lead astray too easily. But if I knew its where his heart was, and that he had not closed that chapter.. It would be hard to take.

But you are right... what can you do? Tell her to stop, make her do it in secret, make her feel suffocated and push her back into the arms of the person that doesn't seem to want her anyway?

You have to ask yourself this... if you are miserable now the way she is treating you, torn up about it... and asking her to help you fix the way you feel about it will only cause you more hurt... what are the things causing you to stick around besides just "loving her..." ask yourself WHY you love her.

__________________
-------------
Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

OhThereYouAre

She is still interested in him. Girls don't talk to guys they aren't interested in unless they fall into the "friends" category. Unfortunately, she's had sex with this guy, so he is not just a "friend."

She's lying....she's telling you what she thinks you want to hear and what will smooth the situation out. Those are excuses....why is she still in touch with this guy if they have nothing in common? If she only hung out with him when she was lonely, well- she's got you now, she isn't lonely anymore, so why is the relationship going on?

You shouldn't be putting up with this.

So you've told her you don't like her talking to this guy and she still talks to him? Bad sign.

Worst sign yet. They are making plans to see each other and she isn't telling you about them?

Bottom line- she isn't over this guy yet. You need to let her go and let her figure her own things out. If you stick around, you're gonna end up getting hurt.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

WildChild

If it was just freinds she would have no problem telling you anything and everything. Freinds have things in common.
Tell her you care for her but you want her to be absolutely certain, therefore you are giving her, her freedom. Tell her you want her date "the freind" and be certain that is out of her system and that she should see anyone else she thinks she might be attracted to, In the meantime, you are equally free. If she protests, then you two have to have some mutually agreed upon limits and the old freind is off limits.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

Kallygirlie

Ok I have to totally disagree with everyone here because I've been in her shoes. Prior to meeting my current boyfriend I lived on my own in an apartment. I met this guy online, come to find out he had lived right across the street from me for like 3 yrs and we didn't know it. He told me he always saw me driving (I had a customized paint job on my car) and he said he always wanted to meet me. Shortly after him and I starting sleeping together. Like the girl I am, I thought I was falling for him. We talked about being together but then he'd date another girl, they'd break up a month later and we'd hook up again. This went on for about 2 yrs before he made it clear all we'd be were friends with benefits. Yet I still continued to hope it would change. I finally met my man. The friend got a bit upset that I cut off the benefit part because I found someone. I still talked to my friend ALOT while my man and i were getting closer. My boyfriend told me one day that he completely trusts me but he wanted to know if I still had feelings for this friend and I told him no. He's the past and I have what I want right now. He never spoke of it again. Here it is a yr and 4 months later and I still talk to my friend. heck he even begged me to be at his wedding and I was one of the first friends he wanted to meet his new son. Times went on, yes I wanted to be with him but friends with benefits, wanting more can turn into just friends.

you just need to talk to her. It is not up to you to tell her you dont want her to talk to him anymore. Its not your choice who her friends are. You have been together for 4 months. all you will do is push her away by telling her she's not allowed to talk to him. If you truely feel you cant trust her then maybe you shouldn't be with her. You have to have trust in a relationship. My situation could be completely different. Did I honestly wake up after finding my boyfriend and have no more feelings for the friend. No, of course I had feelings for him still but they faded as my feelings for my boyfriend became stronger. You cant expect anyone to just stop feeling. things like that dont just go poof.....gone.

__________________
Krystal

OhThereYouAre

You shouldn't make statements like that- it perpetuates the idea that men are smarter than women.

He has talked to her. They've had arguments about it.

Their situation is different than yours. She is lying and sneaking around. That speaks volumes.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

Kallygirlie

and how do you know she is lying. He said they have argued. thats not talking. How did these arguments start? Did he accuse her of still having feelings? you dont know because your not there. I'm just going off of what I've felt and what I've seen happen. Furthermore, I'm not saying men are smarter. I'm saying women are a little more giving of there hearts then men. it's hard to say what is going on without knowing her. I just wanted him to see that there is a different side out there then "she's lying". If my boyfriend would have started demanding me to stop hanging out with my friend or talking to him then chances are we would have ended back then cause with out trust I relationship cant survive.

__________________
Krystal

OhThereYouAre

There's a lie.

There's another.

There's some more.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."