Tell me if I'm wrong!

**Texinator** · 09-30-2009 09:23 PM

Hope I'm not too forward, but you said you'd give up on Marty if Jared would commit and that the other guys are just time fillers, and it sounds like there is a strong need for male attention. Could you see yourself by yourself without any men for a while?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-30-2009 09:26 PM

Originally Posted by ThexMrs

Yes, I know that you are straight forward, so am I. This is how it is:

Jared calls us exclusive.
He doesn't see anyone else.
When I broke up with him via text I started to date. (Travis/Ilya - though he was just sex)

The reason that I have never fully committed isn't just Marty. It's because Jared has NEVER been open. He never talked about his personal life. He never let me in. It was 4 months into our relationship that I found out about his two kids.

Truth be told... If Jared were to give me 100% of himself I would be willing to commit and only be his. I would stop this madness with Marty. It's unhealthy. I want Jared to open up to me and in return I will stop this. I mean... It shouldn't be this, "if you do this, I'll do this" but I don't know what else to do.

I am having my cake and eating it too but... It's not what I want. I want one or the other. No one is giving me that though. I get 50% from Jared (the physical) and 50% from Marty (the emotional) Neither give me 100%. Marty isn't here so he can't. Jared is here but he won't.

He admits to not being emotionally available.
He admits to not opening up to me.
What he doesn't do is change.

That's not my fault.

Well see? I've never heard you say that and I am glad that you did and I know that you think it's because I don't like Marty but that's not the case.

It's because I care and want you to have what I want all to have including me, a "person" that we can rely on, be happy with 100% and totally in-sinc and committed.

So then, if Jarrad can't emotionally commit then are you wasting your time? Is it time to step out again and see what's out there for you? Instead of "settling" and obtaining both of what you need through two different people.. Which is okay at least you have those in your life, but it must be hard on you, difficult even, sort of going to one or the other for what you need at that time.

Jarrad may fulfill your sexual desires in one way I'm pleased because then you don't need to search for that intimacy you miss.

But, is it effecting you emotionally seriously?

It would me...

You've come a heck of along way and I guess it can be confusing for people to comprehend and get confused who is who...

But, I'm wondering if you should say "yes" that's it, I want both but from one man and so I am going to find the emotional connection I need with physical in one person stuff both of you.

CW

**ThexMrs** · 09-30-2009 11:03 PM

Originally Posted by happy ending

wow, its all very confusing, but i dont think any man will meet your needs 100%, if that is what you are looking for especially as you are vulnerable, confused and hurting. it just wont happen.

I am going to have to disagree with the fact that no man will meet my needs. There are men out there who are emotionally and physically available. I've met them BUT... They aren't who I want to be with. Either there is nothing in common or I'm not attracted to them. That's life.

If Marty were here I would have 100% of what I need. Our emotional relationship has been 100% from the beginning. We built that before we ever became physical. The physical aspect was great. It's just the distance that only provides me with 50%.

Hope I'm not too forward, but you said you'd give up on Marty if Jared would commit and that the other guys are just time fillers, and it sounds like there is a strong need for male attention. Could you see yourself by yourself without any men for a while?

Don't worry about being too forward. Please say what you think and feel. It's not so much male attention to be honest. I just only know men. In my life I have zero female friends. I never really have. I grew up with two older brothers and I shared their friends. After moving away from them it was so much easier for me to make male friends, always has been. If I had girlfriends that I could hang out with and rely on that would be amazing! I've tried to make girlfriends and all that ever happens is that they 1) Turn into caddy (catty?) biatches 2) They stab me in the back or 3) They think I am trying to steal their boyfriends because of how great I get along with men. I could definitely go without a boyfriend. It's happened very rarely in my life but I could. I'm happy being single but not happy being alone. I feel those are two very different things. Single - no men. Alone - no friends.

Well see? I've never heard you say that and I am glad that you did and I know that you think it's because I don't like Marty but that's not the case.

I guess I haven't been very clear then. All I've been waiting for is Jared to open up emotionally and let me into his life. Once he accomplishes that... I'm his. I never thought that you didn't like Marty. It's like my uncle told me, "I may not think Marty is right for you but everytime I say his name you light up. That's rare and if he's the one who makes you happy then be with him. When I say Jared, you're blank. It's obvious who you are in love with."

If Jared NEVER emotionally commits then I will have to walk away eventually. I'm just waiting and hoping. I think that he can do it once he no longer feels threatened but I don't know how to make him not feel threatened without lying to him.

Yes, it does effect me emotionally. Sometimes I feel like all I am to him is a sexual object and he's made it clear verbally that that's not what I am but I still feel that way.

**happy ending** · 09-30-2009 11:12 PM

well then sweetie going on what you said if you still want and love marty, jarrod will never meet your needs. its like when you want a cheeseburger, spaghetti might be great, but you still want the cheeseburger.

**ThexMrs** · 09-30-2009 11:27 PM

I don't agree with that. If he would give me the emotional connection that I seek (and have with Marty) then I would have no need to seek Marty out for that.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-30-2009 11:50 PM

Well he can't he wont.
Marty can't he wont.

So, sweet, go and find him ..

**WildChild** · 09-30-2009 11:52 PM

Jared is conditional, he isn't giving what you need and want. Marty is 100% but just isn't there. SO what happens if Jared gets it together and starts giving and then Marty shows up? Have you then got 2 who are 100%? What happens then? Who do you go with?

I can understand the alone vs single. But think about this, you have made freinds here. I think you can make them there too. The trick with GFs is to have a number of aquaintences and pick a few to develop freindships with. Just keep men out of it entirely if possible. You can go places, so things that are just women. As time passes keep a strict rule that any man whom a gf is with or interested in is totally off limits, he gets a pleasant hello, hice weather we're having and that's it.

Even if you have the most amazing relationship on earth you still need freinds and you need women freinds. Men can be great freinds but they aren't the same. Maybe give Jared some space, Marty isn't there so he isn't an issue and work on your work and cultivating some freindships? Keep alcohol out of it, go out to lunch, a movie with another woman instead of staying home or going alone. Take a hike and chat, go window shopping, have tea, call up a woman aquaintence for something as simple as going to run errands and grab a salad. It doesn't have to be getting together for hours. Just let it build.
I have one gf I don't hear from too often but she's called and said come over and help we with my taxes. We actually had fun doing three years worth. Then got dinner. Just leave men and the whole party scene out of it for a while and see what you can do? You can make freinds with women. You've done it here m'dear.

**sourpuss** · 09-30-2009 11:59 PM

If he lives 15 minutes away and you've not seen him in over a month...if that were me, I wouldn't consider that a relationship.
That being said, if you're not in a relationship, you're not obligated to open up to anyone.

Like WC said, focus on yourself. He obviously wants to be left alone. Perfect, now you can do your thing for you and not have the stress and drama of this situation.

**dr.mansview** · 10-01-2009 12:10 AM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

Your love life is tough to follow.

A week ago, you were fooling around with Ilya.

But you love Marty the most.

And now you've had a boyfriend for 7 months?

hey OTYA u obviuosly didn't get your program in the mail..r your WH dues paid up?

**stressed** · 10-01-2009 12:11 AM

Forgive me, but on the one hand you say "If Marty were here I would have 100% of what I need" and on the other you say "All I've been waiting for is Jared to open up emotionally and let me into his life" and you contradict yourself regarding your needs. I don't know what happened with Marty and you had to break up, but you are clearly still in love with him.

Question though, why haven't you told Jared about having slept with 2-3 guys relatively recently and while you are supposed to be together?
You just can't expect from him to be 100% open to you when he knows you are not and that you love another man. It's not easy for him and I think he is more hurt than you at the moment.

Another thing I find insulting towards Jared: "If he would give me the emotional connection that I seek (and have with Marty) then I would have no need to seek Marty out for that". So let's say he DOES give himself 100% to you, but 6 months later another relationship problem comes up and he cannot give you what you want (sex, children, anything). What will you do then? Go back to Marty or find another man who can offer you than on the side?

You have to sit down and think what you want, because you can't have both men in your life. It seems like Jared is not a good choice for you, at least at the moment. Distance yourself from both and try to figure out what you need. But also remember that nobody is perfect and all men have flaws you would have to deal with sooner or later.

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