tasha1133

Knowing the pain of being cheated on myself, and having recently found out that my friends husband is cheating on her (saw him at a bar kissing some woman we didn't know) i am not sure what to do.

Should I be a friend and tell her, (but if so how do i put it to her?) Or do i leave well alone because its none of my business. (I am trying to solve things in my relationship at the moment and I have a lot on my plate, and I am really not sure what to do or how to go about doing things).

I am fairly close to both the husband and the wife. This is such a difficult situation.

LanaBear

Not really sure what i would do... But is it possible to talk to the husband. If you are close with the husband, tell him what you saw, tell him that you feel as a friend that the wife has a right to know. Not that he'd answer, but what are his intentions with the affair? Leave the wife, grass is greener, fling, etc.

Honestly, I have no idea what I would do in your position... That's a tough one, but if you can avoid being the one to break the news to the wife and have him be the one to do it, that's the direction I think it needs to go.

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Tex

I'd worry about the possibility of her reacting badly to your revelation. Your heart might be in the right place and you'd just be wanting to help as a friend, but she might redirect her anger about the disappointment and humiliation at you instead. The husband isn't going to be happy either, and in the end you might end up losing both of them as friends.

LanaBear's idea is a good one. You might want to approach the husband instead and hope that he'll come clean to his wife. But he might also not say anything, start telling the wife little untrue stories about something to get her to keep her distance from you, and then you might end up losing both of them as friends as well.

You could keep quiet and not say anything. Neither one of them would have to know that you know anything. But then you would have to answer to your conscience. They're your friends after all, and I know I would want to know if I was with someone and a friend saw her cheat on me.

It's a really tough call.

CHANDLERS WISH

If the kiss you saw was "pashing", then he cheated. But, if it was a kiss non lingering she could have been anyone, just want to throw that one in

It's not up to us, unfortunately it causes more problems, ie) the girlfriend may not believe you, may beleive his tale and you lose a friend.

And, your fear more than likely is what if she finds out and then establishes that you knew all along, then you lose a friend.

So, I agree with Lana, talk to him. Tell him you know, tell him your not going to say anything because he is... as you appreciate it would be better coming from him, one on one.. and make that clear, leaving doubt in his mind that if he didn't you may....

Then be there for her when she needs you....

You at least can say, I didn't want to hurt you by it being second hand, so I spoke with him and made it clear he had to talk to you...

The alternative is to send an anonymous letter, " next time your husband isn't home check out this bar and who he is with" from a friend.

CW

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Hopeless Dork

If she's a dear friend, talk to the husband. Ask him what he is doing... tell him you know but ask him if its a fling? Is he going to leave his wife? If its a fling perhaps getting caught might be the wake up call he needs to see he could be throwing everything away if he doesn't straighten up fast.

Perhaps if it was just the one night, and he didn't go further than that kiss you saw , things could change and your friends heart wouldn't have to be broken in the process... but if it went further than that... and he wasn't careful -- could he be putting her at risk for a disease? ETC? What one doesn't know can't hurt them is both true, especially in this case, depending on the circumstances of the affair.

Of course he could get all strategic and decide he's not giving up his cake and eating it too and launch an attack you to his wife before you get to... saying you hit on him.. something, anything to deminish your credibility if you were to ever tell her... etc.

I don't envy your position, I personally don't know what I would do. Maybe your friend already knows... and you telling her, pushing the truth into her already in denial brain will cause her to push YOU away to keep her dillusions of it not happening (even though she's fully aware) in tact.

Most women KNOW... they know... men are never as slick as they think they are, if she's at all in tune to the relationship... there's probably an indicator something is amiss unless the guys a sociopath.

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rcoreyus

I'd stay out of this. Sometimes these things are more complex than they seem. If you haven't seen it with your own eyes, you don't really know what is going on. If you have - you still don't know what sort of arangement they may have.

stressed

I'd tell the husband what I saw and ask him to tell his wife soon or else I would. I wouldn't be able to let my friend stay with a man who kisses women like that. I'd rather she hated me for knowing and not telling her but saving her from such a man, than ignore the incident and let her get even more hurt by him. I'd feel their relationship would be more important than our friendship and if she's a true friend with an open heart she'd might forgive me one day. But I wouldn't be able to ignore it.

Miya

I agree with everyone in that I'd talk to the husband and let him know you knew and see actually what his explanation was. I don't however believe I'd say anything to the friend as things like this seem to backfire on the informer despite best intentions. Were it my sister or blood relative, I might do it but in reference to what I said in a similar post, I'd let their karmas deal with it and keep the friendship with your friend as it is.

Just my take.

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OhThereYouAre

I agree that talking to the husband first would probably be the best and most couth option.

Maybe he'll come to his senses and quit cheating on his wife.

Your words could very well keep him from making a big mistake.

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happy ending

yes actually if i could bring my self to do it, talking to hubbie first is probably a better option. it might bring him to his senses, or even knowing he has been sprung might shake him up a little, however, he may take the opportunity to try and sabotage your friendship, so if you do inform his wife later, you have less creditability it all depends on how his mind works.