Share a deep connection with this girl-Need advice.

**Miya** · 10-01-2009 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by Akkiben

She is from a Hindu family(North Indian) I'm christian(south Indian):-) The marriage decision lies with her or untill she tells her parents to start looking out for her.

Do you know if her or her family would have an objection to her marrying a non-Hindu? I'm not trying to be a downer, just thinking about possible obstacles as I know some family's are quite strict about this kind of thing.

**Akkiben** · 10-01-2009 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

I don't think she's confused. In fact, I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I think you might be confused. To her - you're filling the void of what her current b/f isn't offering her. She's using you. And what's worse is that you are doing for free. Now you are now making excuses for her? There are no excuses for what she is doing to her current boyfriend and what she is doing to you. She's having her cake and eating it too.

She's cheating. It doesn't matter if you two are sexual or not. In fact, it almost makes it a worse plight for you if you two aren't.

Maybe she is not confused...and if she is sure about this guy(which i highly doubt), which i feel is cause there is some pressure from her family to get married soon. She is looking forward to make it work and in the middle of all that, i just barged in. Now, she feels the need to be with me, but is also unsure of my intentions. Hence, i said she could be confused or unsure here.

**Akkiben** · 10-01-2009 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by Kallygirlie

Hun what does her going through 2 failed relationships mean. That means she's a rookie.

I feel so too. I'm how long before one learns from their mistakes. 3 wrong decision? I don't understand her. I wouldn mind if she was a retard, but being a smart girl...i don expect this from her.

Originally Posted by Kallygirlie

She starting to sound like a typical playa. I mean really, she's with one but leading you on. Let me guess, she's told you she's going to leave him to be with you. If you guys have not kissed or had sex then no she is not cheating but emotionally she it. who's to say she wont do this to you.

She has not told me that she would leave that guy...but has indirectly spoken out bout where do you see ourselves going forward and such things.

**Akkiben** · 10-01-2009 01:42 PM

Originally Posted by Miya

Do you know if her or her family would have an objection to her marrying a non-Hindu? I'm not trying to be a downer, just thinking about possible obstacles as I know some family's are quite strict about this kind of thing.

I'm not sure of that. But she is the types who will have her way if need be. Her parents are not particular like that is what i feel.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-01-2009 07:24 PM

And, his nationality? the "confident jerk?"

(that was for you OTYA), cj...

Here's the thing, she is cheating - "emotionally"...

The part that is missing in her life, then non-connection, conversations, laughter, depth of discussions.

She is cheating - "she's holding your hand, she's discussing the two of you as an item from time to time"as well as how she feels or you feel when you do hold hands, the touch, the feel... "Emotional cheating"...

In any event:-

So she has you - emotionally.
She has him - physically.

100% complete....

Why is she going to leave him? Saving face, 3rd relationship, parents reaction, culture etc etc. And, she has what she needs " emotional affection" which she justifies in her mind, not as cheating, rather, a "friend" as you do, because there is no intimacy.. Isn't there? Absolutely there is, just not sexually.

You mesmerize her... Your intellectual and offer her something out of the norm to what she has ever probably had. You fulfill a void in her life, that she wouldn't have without you in it.

Wait for her?

I suggested "backing off a bit" and the purpose is this... She has all she needs, in the two of you... If you want her to leave this guy and be with you, (assuming he really is a a...hole) and she deserves better, then re-frain from the holding hands, refrain from the constant contact, and back away a bit with the excuse of "it's probably a tad in-appropriate" to maintain this at the level we have whilst your in a relationship....

Let her miss you.. See whom she really wants to be with.

At this point, she is content.. Simple... And, I dare say her families thoughts have a lot to do with why she is still where she is at.

But, also think of this. If this guy is "that bad" how come she can be honest and tell him about you? Go out with you on the bike etc, and it's okay with him?

Having told her boyfriend, your only a friend?

Any man that accepts a woman's "male friends" has trust in his girlfriend and therefore, in their eyes their relationship is SAFE.

CW

**Akkiben** · 10-02-2009 04:06 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

And, his nationality? the "confident jerk?"

(that was for you OTYA), cj...

Here's the thing, she is cheating - "emotionally"...

The part that is missing in her life, then non-connection, conversations, laughter, depth of discussions.

She is cheating - "she's holding your hand, she's discussing the two of you as an item from time to time"as well as how she feels or you feel when you do hold hands, the touch, the feel... "Emotional cheating"...

In any event:-

So she has you - emotionally.
She has him - physically.

100% complete....

Why is she going to leave him? Saving face, 3rd relationship, parents reaction, culture etc etc. And, she has what she needs " emotional affection" which she justifies in her mind, not as cheating, rather, a "friend" as you do, because there is no intimacy.. Isn't there? Absolutely there is, just not sexually.

You mesmerize her... Your intellectual and offer her something out of the norm to what she has ever probably had. You fulfill a void in her life, that she wouldn't have without you in it.

Wait for her?

I suggested "backing off a bit" and the purpose is this... She has all she needs, in the two of you... If you want her to leave this guy and be with you, (assuming he really is a a...hole) and she deserves better, then re-frain from the holding hands, refrain from the constant contact, and back away a bit with the excuse of "it's probably a tad in-appropriate" to maintain this at the level we have whilst your in a relationship....

Let her miss you.. See whom she really wants to be with.

At this point, she is content.. Simple... And, I dare say her families thoughts have a lot to do with why she is still where she is at.

But, also think of this. If this guy is "that bad" how come she can be honest and tell him about you? Go out with you on the bike etc, and it's okay with him?

Having told her boyfriend, your only a friend?

Any man that accepts a woman's "male friends" has trust in his girlfriend and therefore, in their eyes their relationship is SAFE.

CW

You said it all so right CW. The last point, she is all the time in arguments with that guy, as he does not like her being with me.

I don't understand as to why she just can't 'walk-away' from that guy.
But yes, the point you mentioned bout family thoughts, 'yes' that's one reason as to why she is still where she is at!!!

Backing away a tad-bit is what i've been thinking to, thanks for that advise CW.

The way i see it is like this: If it happens and she decided to be with me, I'm the most happiest and if not, i'll still be happy as i've been all this while.

I just think that together we both have great potentials to living life to its fullest:-) simple.

In the meantime, should i reaffirm my feelings for her in any particular way..or just back-away a bit and wait for her to reach out?

Thanks All.

**Miya** · 10-02-2009 05:36 AM

I wish you the best and backing away is probably the best bet for now. A lot of people have made a lot of good points strictly from an outsider point of view which can offer clarity otherwise not seen when one is directly involved in the situation.

When I was young I didn't really have many thoughts on things like this but as I've gotten older (and hopefully wiser) I started believing strongly that people come in and out of your life as it's needed to grow at that point in time. Take the good points and learn from them and what's perceived to be negative. As I believe we are all held by karma and that interactions have a karmic basis, I think we are with, at any moment, exactly who we're supposed to be with, even if that means by ourselves, with family, or just having friends.

In the grand scheme of things we can only try to enjoy what's given to us at the present moment and try to not hold onto those things/people. Nothing is permanent. Love isn't permanent, spouse, children, family, etc.

My general take on life and our encounters:

Try to be as a moving stream, constantly winding you way along every crook and bend, over stone, dependent on everything and everything dependent on you. Rushing and at some times and gently flowing at others until you reach the sea. Even there the journey doesn't end as you become indistinguishable from the whole, only to return as snow on the mountaintop, destined to become the stream, flowing to the sea again.

Be well...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2009 08:17 AM

No... don't affirm what you already have stated... She knows. Thing is, the more we know the more we "don't want", it's the mistery, does he accept this, oh no, I may be losing him....

If you stand by her and say I'm there, .... it's like " well how do you see me knowing I am in bed with him?" It doesn't make sense to the mind.

Get rid of the softeness about you it's showing, what you showed when you commenced this thread, was soul and strength.

I am however pleased your opening up and talking more and Miya, and others are talking to you...

Listen in addition to me, I struck 1 cord and 1 cord only.

Think about the above it makes sense, don't give her anymore cards to play and see, if he is already changing from it's okay to have him as a friend to grrrrr, then he is seeing a change in her and worrying, like I said, seemed strange....

Your in dangerous territory..........back off. and let her see what she misses whilst doing the honerable thing.

CW

**Akkiben** · 10-02-2009 09:21 AM

I already feel like i'm talking to my close friends here...thank you Miya and CW.

Miya- I totally agree with, liked the take on life you have:-)

CW- No more softness now :-P hahaha..

Don't know how to thank you all for taking time to speak your minds out and advicing me. I'm elated to hear from you ALL :-)

No bout the "backing-up-bit" do i stop hanging out with her. Next Sat'day we had some shopping plans, she was to get me a bag pack and so on...
And after long we've started jogging in the morning...what do you suggest i do now?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2009 09:30 AM

Man I keep saying zzzzzzzzz I'm going to bed it's midnight

K, going to bed.

Well, I wouldn't go shopping, I would pull an excuse at the last minute well a couple of hrs at least before, as first step... Tell her to go though, act nice, have fun, type of thing, family matters.

Jogging, for 1 week go.. then pull just one day, same, a reason, so she starts to 1) miss you and 2) your all of a sudden not always there.

I don't want to look like I'm suggesting a "game" plan to win her... okay.. cause she has a man. And, I'm a bit pertered on that.

But for your own self worth and for you to ascertain her true feelings....

So there is a sense of ahha...

CW

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